h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Posted May 19, 1999

 
I am in a low energy loop and I needed to talk. So here it is. The day is gray and I should have stayed in bed. I can feel it all way in my head. The total still that creeps in the dark. The stillness that infects your head right before you succumb to slumber, that stillness that stops all out side noise from delaying sleep. All pervasive stagnation. I am stuck. Stuck in a rut that I carved out myself, I can see the way that I wanted to go but some how I am back to the rut and I feel like I am stuck. Is there a ray of light to pierce the darkness that dwells in my damaged soul? Can there still be a ray of light like the love I thought I knew? I remember the who of that light the warmth of her love the sense of her soul surrounding and protecting my being. Gone away like the light of day,

I can sense the still of the day as it creeps in to every facet of myself slowing me down and carving out hollowness in my soul. As it creeps in to my soul it feels like a wood chisel slowly working its way in to the grain of my soul, carving out a hollowness. You know the empty feeling of being alone in a crowded room? I spend a lot of time in that void. I have known no constant in my life like the longing that comes from inhabiting the void. No matter how or when it always returns to me, my old faithful friend. Like an aching in my bones I know my old friend better than I know my self. Familiar discomfort to work from. I can sense the aching returning like dull throbbing that only the warmth of another's soul can ease. Please some one come in to my world and ease the pain away. I believed that the pain was gone when I had courted in a soul I thought that was meant to be with mine. Oh and it was divine, the bliss and blindness of love, fills your body and surrounds your soul with warmth and protection while simultaneously tearing out your eyes. That way you'll never see it coming, for the pain always returns. That's the scratch of it all. For all the desire, want and blind ambition all leads to the same end after love has played out its hand. I should have known the deck was stacked, why else would I be invited to play. Poor victim you say. Willing participant. Its like lotto, you got to be in it to win it. Strangely enough I think that lotto has better odds. I descended from my bed this morning, knowing that the throbbing in my head had nothing to do with the night before, but every thing to do with all the nights preceded by all the days of my life that came before. Again as it was before I am with myself. My own best friend and worst enemy. The joys we have shared the sorrow we have endured. I have always known in times of trouble that like all things this too shall pass. It is the point from now till then that I will have to last through to, so that I can do it all over again. It seems to be a little worse each time. I can’t imagine going through the whole thing again. This time it is just the hint of what could have been that I find weighing down. Oh that first sense of anticipation the hint of spiritual pleasure. Love, even the hint of it, dissolved in to friendship is still a diluted drink. I can’t stand to have my libations diluted. I need it full strength. Make mine a double, straight up, no chaser, and keep em coming. I will keep putting em away until I can’t see straight. I will keep throwing em back until they try to come back up, till I cant see, till I cant speak, or just till I cant feel the pain. I have never realized the duality between love and liquor, I can see now why love drives people to drink and how drinking drives people to love. Sick isn't it. When She left me, I drank. I drank allot, every day. I had to drown out the pain. It was too much for me. Eventually I sobered up and crept out of the hole I had dug. I wiped the crust from my eyes and peered out throughout he light of day, feeling disgusted by the warmth of the sun on my face. I was so cold that this warmth was not welcome. I recoiled from it, like a dog that has been beaten; I have become hand shy. Like the dog jonesing for a masters attention, we are too scared to reach out beyond our fears that we have learned so well through repeated beatings that the inability to over come our fear and feed our desire to give our selves over to another, our Master, will eventually just drive us to insanity. I guess that is how dogs and exlovers become rabid. They say a rabid dog doesn't know what's going on. They get crazy. I say we all get fuckin crazy. Maybe that way things will seem sane to me, for a change. How do you hold the door closed once it is open, or even just ajar? Do you stand back and run at it from a far. Muscle it closed and think that you should feel good about a job well done. Keep those feeling down; you have no choice cause you might drown. I learned to tread water; you can do that for along time. You don't really get anywhere, it keeps you from drowning fast but it uses all your energy, and lets you drown slowly. Seems a paradox. What if you choose not to swim? If you just stop what would happen? Would you float? Are you light enough to float? I am weighed down by all my own. When I stop swimming I can feel myself descending. All the waters around me welling up, quieting out the larger world. Now it is just myself in the water, surrounded by the enticing temptation that the silence brings. Finally I can drown it out. I am drowning. Drowning in a sea of my own self. Could the morrow be sweet I would embrace it. Bitter sweet at best awaits me with the dawn. This day as all to come greeted only by the cat at the end of my bed. I know her sense of desire her need for attention. I think some times that she and I are not so different when it comes to wanting. She exemplifies how I could beg for attention. Of course I can not deny her, any more than I could deny my own desires. So again I greet the day, with hopes that some one will say, hey Man, I am here to stay.

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