h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Having read all about Buckie on your page, I was very intrigued by one of the results in the Scottish FA Cup today: Buckie Thistle 2, Hamilton Academical 0.
Are Buckie Thistle named after that fiendish brew you've written about, I wonder? Or do they drink it before their games, come out for the kick-off completely and then incapacitate the opposition by breathing on them?

Alas no. It is Hamilton who are deep in the heart of Buckie country. I fear it may be the influence of the pre-match breakfast affecting their performance.

Last year Hamilton players went on strike as they hadn't received their liquid allowance for weeks, with the result that they were docked 15 points and consequetly relegated. Let this be a warning to all team-owners in West Central Scotland, the Scottish League take a dim view of you not paying your tithes to the monks of Devon for their fine brew.

Buckie Thistle are mere impostors who prefer the delights of inbreeding to the holy brew.....and if you think your babelfish is struggling with Glaswegian, it would fillet itself in Buckie. Thus the inbreeding, no one else can understand them.

I see.
Well, Buckie Thistle have been drawn away to Ross County in the next round. From what you've been saying, I guess that'll be a real family affair.

...more like two tribes go to war

I've looking around to see if I could find any examples of the unintelligible doric of the north east for you, but you seem to have escaped lightly. All I can find is a list of words at [URL removed by moderator]

Check out "All positions" it gives the word "sheep", I kid you not.

Thanks for that!
I notice that when explaining the use of the "u" sound it includes "drunken" and "bum" one after the other in the examples - and that one of the examples for the "oo" sound is "coont".
Don't you think it's time that h2g2 had a "sheep" smiley for the benefit of Researchers from rural areas?

I missed the bit about drunken bum, but I think they may have resorted to importing exotic Canadian animals for their domestic gratification. It all depends what "scoor" means:-

"hoose, moose, scoor, coont, droop, oot"

Yeah, that's a good idea about the sheep. Let's see, if we get all the Scots, Welsh, Aussies and Kiwis together, we can form a pressure group KISS - Kindly Introduce Sheep Smileys

Hey, we have sheep here in Yorkshire too, you know, out on the moors!
Lovely, fluffy, cuddly, warm sheep...
Er, excuse me, I'm just nipping out for a while.

Aha, so it's true what that Barnsley player (Hristov?) said about Yorkshire women then?

No, but it's true what the Vice Squad say about some Yorkshire men.

I have in my sweaty hands a copy of Monday's football pull-out section from the Scottish Sun, and under a picture of two players whose team is sponsored by Keith Builders Merchants there is the headline, "Bottle of Buckie". Are you a sub at this august journal?

...and did Keith Builders Merchants supply the parts for Mr Chegwin?

My journalistic exploits are currently confined to the "h2g2 Post" and the mighty "Bradford Telegraph & Argus"; but it's great to know that sick minds think alike.
As for Keith Builders Merchants: if they did construct Mr Chegwin, they supplied short measure in vital areas. I saw "Naked Jungle", and I'm still recovering...

Oh no, Keith didn't make a Cheggers Nasty, did he? "Cheggers Plays Hide the Chipolata"

If Maggie Philbin was involved I don't want to know, you'll spoil all my boyhood fantasies...well not all of them, there was also Lesley Judd.......

Don't you know about "Naked Jungle"? It was one of the most utterly bonkers things ever on TV! It was on Channel 5 in the summer, and it featured teams of not-particularly-attractive people playing "It's A Knockout"-style games in a "jungle" setting. Cheggers presented it wearing a pith helmet and nothing else! Honestly! Even in a very strange mood I couldn't make that up!

Here's some proof, sadly (perhaps) without nude Cheggers pics: [URL removed by moderator]

Egads!! They're even selling a video of it.

Nope, I'm very glad to say that I've never heard of it. A very major benefit of hardly ever watching TV now, I suppose.

It's a good job you provided proof or I'd have labelled Yorkshire as the drugs capital of the universe. Cheggers naked apart from a pith helmet, ugh!