h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You have some other arrangement with btinternet then, do you? I think surftime gives you an unmetered service from 6 pm to 8 am so I'd take the same dim view of getting booted out just after midnight as just before midnight. Actually, I had intended to chat with you a bit earlier this evening but for some reason our thread wouldn't load. It took an age and a half to partly load then gave some message about not being able to connect. It was in the time-frame you try to avoid - early evening.

Yeah, BUPA - you're right. My brother tried to get me to sign up for BUPA but what a bunch of shysters. I couldn't swear to being physically perfect past, present and future so they said they'd cover me for some whopping great fee and only for a limited range of ailments. I told them to stuff it. Time has proven me correct in that decision. All the people who work in my company and who subscribed to BUPA have paid a huge monthly fee and each year it's increased by an unbelievable amount. My brother's girlfriend was 40 this year and for no reason other than the fact that she hit 40, her BUPA subscription increased by almost 60%. One of the people in the scheme dropped out because the charge increased so much that it was just ridiculous. I think what happens is that the charge jumps up each year but the people in the scheme are like the frogs in that unpleasant experiment that was carried out some time ago where they found that if a frog was dropped into hot water it would instantly jump out but if the frog was dropped into cold water that gradually increased in temperature, the poor little devil would stay there till it boiled. So, to answer your question: NO! - increasing insurance costs are exactly what I would anticipate based on my experience.

Hey! Those burnt-out motor vehicles - weren't a huge tottering heap of burnt-out cars stolen from one of those modern art galleries, together with an artistically arranged pile of rusting cans and a festering half-a-cow? You'd better report it to the police. You could be up for a multi-million pound reward.

The faux pas you've committed on the 60's children's tv front are just breath-taking. You shouldn't waste your time trying to live it down. You must just face the horror of it all and move on. The Noddy and Big Ears PC issue was both sexual and racial then, was it? Disgraceful! Makes me wonder how on earth we managed to grow up into the well balanced people we've clearly become. Must've been the Magic Roundabout that finally rehabilitated us after the disgusting, anti-social, social engineering we underwent at the hands of earlier children's tv. In the immortal words of Bob Dylan (obviously referring to Dylan, the Magic Roundabout rabbit) "everybody must get stoned" - because you will then be able to take a laid-back attitude to any old nonsense the social engineers throw at you.

No offence taken regarding the comparison between my job and a job at McDonalds. I would view Ronald McDonald as a definite asset. You have it all wrong when it comes to resisting the urge to give Ronald a kicking. Just think of the frustration you could vent giving that idiot a very very severe kicking. That's what he's there for - surely! What else could his function possibly be? The HSE would have to approve. A safety valve like Ronald must save the innocent population from a bunch of unhinged maniacs that McDonalds would otherwise be turning out.

The Billy Connelly sketch on Bonnie Prince Charlie: he described the prince as a small French person (he may have called him a dwarf), riding a tiny pony like the Thelwell cartoon representations and the prince was prissy and over refined. BC did it all visually. It was funny.

No my aunt's only 79 and I don't think she wears a hair net. I'd like to see someone try to nick her hair. I think they'd leave her territory in the form of mincemeat.

If Dalmarnock's in the Guinness Book or Records as the site of the last lynching in Britain, the record people must've been looking the other way a while ago when a bunch of criminals tried to rob my neighbours. In fairness I'd have to acknowledge that lynch mobs normally hang their victims and this lot in my village got away with a beating and prosecution. But still - the spirit of the mob lives.

Are you going to put a link to your btinternet webspace on your homepage here so that interested parties can pop over and have a shuftie at your old neighbourhood 'photos?

I've been listening out for bimbo babble for several weeks now. I thought I heard some briefly in one of those "pro vitamin b6" shampoo adverts but then it all collapsed into plain English, just when I thought I'd spotted some material for my guide entry. It's very disappointing. Even the French accented sort of hyper bimbo babble seems to have disappeared. It's almost as though they anticipated my intention to come and take the p--s. Your tip about taping the nonsense seems an excellent idea. The brain is a delicate organ and easily damaged. I'll be careful.

Sorry about the delay, I knew btinternet didn't like Mac users, but I didn't think they prevented them uploading pages. The pics are included at [Broken link removed by Moderator]
Will reply once sobriety returns, tomorrow

My free btinternet connection cuts off at midnight, and because I paid a year in advance instead of monthly, I'm not allowed to upgrade to surftime. I've now swapped roles with you, as I'll be waiting on my next phone bill just to see if it's worth my while taking freeserve up on their £5 offer solely for midnight-8am.

Your insurance costs just went up again on Thursday. I heard a car doing kangaroo hops along the road outside and looked out just in nice time to see it roar into a corner and sideswipe another car that was using the street as a way to avoid the traffic lights. There was also the ritual throwing things at motors leaving the Celtic game, tho I doubt if that would affect the premiums unless someone arms the local young team with grenades.

I never thought of carhenge, but now you mention it two of the wrecks were nose to tail on a very steep slope and one was upside down as if it had toppled.

As for the kids TV, there is hope for the future as Channel 4 seems to have taken to resurrecting them. The only problem is that they're putting them on in the middle of the night at the weekend. Maybe they're trying to catch the kids switching over from the Saturday night soft porn movie on Channel 5?

I never thought of Ronald McDonald as a means of stress management. It's a pity really as there's a really good chance that my illiterate ex-workmate might end up working for them (well for at least a week before he gets sacked).

Definitely haven't seen or heard that Billy Connolly sketch. You've got me curious now. This calls for further investigation.

I'm probably going to add several more pages of ugly old Glasgow to that website and then transfer it over to Geocities as it seems much easier to get Geocities sites to appear in Search Engines. There's another page on that site featuring my New Year in Glasgow http://glesga.freeyellow.com/newyear.htm (take your babelfish, you're gonna need it!).I was just recovering from the flu, that's why I was sober enough to use a camcorder. Freeyellow seems to be tied up at the moment. I usually find it's best when the US is in bed. I might have some of that culture you yearn for, but I'll have to put the page back together. Appropriately enough for Glasgow, it's an exhibition of coffins!

Have you got cable or satellite? I suspect you might be able to find more bimbo babble on UK LIving or some of those cookery/home channels.

Well what did you get up to last night Wumbeevil? Well after the Celtic-Rangers game I retreated to the pub, well to two pubs to be more accurate. After a pleasant six hours I set out for the 20 minute walk/30 minute stagger home. For some reason I decided I would jump on a bus, and promptly fell asleep only to be woken up, somewhere I didn't know, by a fellow drunk sitting beside me and starting to sing songs about Ireland. The usual argument ensued (I'll let you guess the expletives), "If 8%£@$ like you cared less about @£$^£@*Ireland and more about Glasgow, this might be a @£$%£@ better place to live in." The only other people on the bus were three drunk women who also started giving him abuse. About 15 minutes later the women went to get off and one of them nicked this guy's litre bottle of whisky which he had only opened a few minutes previously. It seems he was stuck on the bus as well, as it toured the delights of North Glasgow. He was still there anyway when I got off, directly across from the stop where I had boarded two hours earlier. I had not only jumped on a bus and fell asleep, but I had jumped on a bus that didn't go anywhere near my house!

Stop Press!

Your insurance has just taken another hike. Five minutes after I posted, I heard a motor stopping and starting, and then the sound of a well over -revved engine so I looked out and a car was crossing the grass in front of the house. It circled the two multis and then reappeared where it had started from only to crash side-on into a parked car. It's still blocking the road out there.

Sweet dreams!

I've visited your pictures and left a couple of emails. If you're not the webmaster for those pages, the person who receives the messages is going to be wondering why I addressed him as Wumbeevil. Were the "play facilities kindly donated by Strathclyde Police", actually horse s**t by any chance? The bottle bank looked very colourful and quite pretty in the dappled sun light. I also thought the jungle of giant hogweed looked lovely - if you'd labelled it something like "Vietnamese Jungle" I wouldn't have doubted you (though I'd have wondered what it was doing in the Dalmarnock collection). Someone should tell that Socialist Worker that geraniums are already legal - what's his problem? I don't think the young lady in the bathing costume is checking out her hair colour. She may have been off crabbing. And, as I mentioned to Slarty, the buildings in Springfield Road would look very nice if the war-zone shutters could be removed. I also enjoyed your New Year snaps and understood most of the Glasgow-speak. It was a relief that the last one wasn't easy to make out because although you didn't say so in so many words, you seemed to be indicating that you'd caught someone in the act of vomiting. No one celebrates like the Scots. And I can't wait to see the coffin exhibition!

I seem to remember you did mention the Cinderella business with your btinternet service a while back. You'd think that in the interest of good customer relations, they'd try to be more flexible, wouldn't you? So now you've paid freeserve for their internet service after midnight and you might find you prefer them to bt. They could end up losing customers that way.

Do the attacks on the vehicles occur near to all football grounds? I used to live in Brighton and can remember visiting some friends who lived near the Brighton and Hove Albion ground and noticing cars covered in flour and paint stripper. The friends told us this was a fairly regular occurrence when the Seagulls were playing at home and they found it a huge irritation. They regarded the football ground as a pest hole and didn't stay there very long. If it happens round all or most football grounds, it must increase insurance costs for people who live in those areas.

It makes perfectly good sense to put kids programs on in the middle of the night. They no longer put opiates in the gripe water and midwives have made it known that they take a dim view of mothers giving their children gin to help them sleep. So obviously it must be a great relief, particularly to working mums, to be able to park the children in front of the tv with a family sized packet of crisps and a litre of lemonade and then fall asleep in a chair.

There was a program about Bonny Prince Charlie on a few days ago. They said all sorts of unkind things about him. They also said he was Italian. I'm sure Billy Connelly said he was French. I guess the Scots would have been happy with an Eskimo at the time - just about anyone who wasn't English in fact.

I have satellite. The cable companies dig up our roads and inconvenience us, getting their cables from Northampton to Leicester for example, but they don't actually provide us with services because we're just a pointless little village. I should have a look at UK Living et al. You're right. If bimbo babble survives anywhere, it'll be there. It takes self-discipline to force yourself to watch that stuff though. I'll have a go when I'm feeling stronger.

Sounds as though you had a real-life sit-com sort of evening after the match. You were brave to take up the issues with the Irish man. I've seen your posters. It's clearly dangerous to stray into politics and religion in Glasgow. You've said as much. Did you test him in some way first to make sure he was fairly harmless? Fancy that gal making off with his whisky. Did he notice? You should write a book Wumbeevil. Seems to me you have plenty of material in your day to day life. I've just been reading a book my friend lent me last Sunday. It's called "The Restraint of Beasts" by Magnus Mills. It's very funny and the characters in it are completely deadpan. Really, far less seems to happen in this book than happens to you on a more or less daily basis. If Magnus Mills managed to find the material for a very entertaining book in the apparently unpromising people and events he writes about, I'm sure you could.

By the way, have you been over the see the new Library and Museum yet at http://www.h2g2.com/A413290 ? Amy the Ant's been busy. It's very impressive. She's included a Natural History section and she said you could be in it if you admitted to being some form of wild life. I told her you denied being a vine weevil but if you're prepared to admit to being some sort of critter, you're in. They have dragons and all sorts so you can be legendary or one of a kind. If you'd like to be an exhibit, let her know.

If you decide to write a book, let me know. I promise I'll buy it.

The "play facilities kindly donated by Strathclyde Police", were horse s**t and what's more, they were still there on Sunday.
That Giant Hogweed is quite common around here, some of it must be close on 10 feet high. I liked the line about the geraniums, nice one.
Someone should also tell the Socialist Worker that Jack Straw has no power to ban geraniums up here.

I don't know about all football grounds, but I'd imagine the, "£1 to look after yer motor, mister" 10YO extortionists are pretty widespread, and woe betide anyone not paying. I do remember something about the local residents moving their cars when Celtic were playing at Hampden for a year, but can't remember whether it was to protect them or because of parking restrictions imposed when a game was on.

I think the new kids opiate is called Calpol, as every mother seems to use it, but I haven't a clue what's in it. Must have a hunt.

I always thought that Bonny Prince Charlie was Italian, I'm pretty sure that James III (as he liked to be known) stayed in Rome. I always thought it quite silly to say, "Och we dinnae want George as oor king, he's German, let's die furra power hungry Italian insteed."

I had a quick net hunt the other night to see if any of those bimbobabble magic ingredients appeared on any sites, but couldn't find any. Lots of strange ingredients, but no "moisturising cream with ??????". Still I did run into a few Korean sites, some of which have a really nice version of Korenglish. That made it all worthwhile. (Can you believe that? Me, talking about people using funny English!)

Bravery had nothing to do with pulling the guy up on the bus, it was all down to class 1 drunkenness/stupidity. If I'd been sober (apart from not being on that bus in the first place!), I'd probably just have ignored him or moved away. About the whisky, it was very strange. He did notice that it had gone, but seemed to give a metaphorical shrug of his shoulders, and thought no more of it.

I went over to the museum/library and it IS impressive. There's an awful lot of work went into it. I found the library entertaining and interesting, that's my fav bit so far. I'm not sure about getting a listing in the Natural History section as flora do not seem to be present, protozoans being the closest. I owe my existence to toxic amounts of plant products and, going by that, am probably most closely related to a triffid or something similar, tho the name sounds more like an insect or a marsupial. Decisions, decisions! OK I guess the name must have came from a spoonerism of Bum weevil so I guess that I must be a beetle, which doesn't have very good taste when it comes to selecting brood chambers for their larvae - yep, that sounds like me. Oh dear, now I'm getting pictures in my head of the young Wumbeevils emerging. Aaargh! Where is that Amy, I'll anteater her (only echidning Amy).

I just ran a check on Calpol there, when I reconnected. Check out section 11 especially [Broken link removed by Moderator]
Bring back opiates! Err, no on second thoughts, long live Calpol!

I haven't heard of Magnus Mills, but I've sent his name into work so I can hunt him down in the library when the weather gets too cold for cycling (c.8 weeks)

Re Books : 1 picture = 1000 words, and it's a helluva lot easier. If only I didn't keep shaking the camera or missing the pic. Still, the horsehit girl and the drunk were unexpected captures.

Well, I've prattled on that long that you appear to have seen sense and went to bed, I think I'll go and track down Amy to keep my mind off the
horrific images of young Wumbeevils.

Got your email and pics. They were much clearer than on the web page. I sent the first message to the excite address because, of course, that was at the bottom of the page. That was the one that went astray. Oddly enough, I said something along the lines of "a picture paints a thousand words" and blow me if you didn't just say the same thing. You can tell that the girl isn't checking for crustaceans after all. I can just make out the skid marks but, as you said, it'd been raining so it's not that easy to make them out. Is your building like the one opposite in that lovely red stone? They can't seriously be meaning to pull it down if so. I thought Glasgow council had stopped demolishing the red sandstone buildings.

You don't really need a tv with all the drama that goes on just outside your window, do you? There's some Chinese greeting or toast or proverb about wishing not to live in interesting times - you have the next worst thing - you live in an interesting place. I wonder why you have so much hog weed round your way. I think they made a big effort to get rid of it down here. It's still about but you don't see it often. The main focus for weed haters round here is rag wort. The animals don't eat it when it's alive but when it's in with their hay, they don't recognise it and it poisons them. It's growing all over the place at the moment. They class it as a "noxious weed" and it's illegal for farmers to have it growing on their land. It's suddenly become a big problem because of the "set aside" scheme whereby the government pays farmers not to grow anything.

Even though my English may have become slightly corrupted by an almost foreign language, I'm still as well understood as I ever was - hardly at all, as usual. It's a shame about the disappearance of bimbo babble. I felt it had the makings of a good target for hilarity and disrespect. I expect the Korenglish would have been fairly easy to follow if you're one of those people who tries to follow manual instructions. They all seem to be written in some sort of Oriental/English pidgin.

That chemical information sheet for Calpol was unbelievable. At first I thought I must be looking at the wrong page - must be on formaldehyde or ddt of something. I had to go up to section 2 and make sure it really was for Calpol - a substance that parents give to their kids. It's incredible. If I was a parent, I'd rather give my kids gin (and it goes without saying that if I was a kid I'd rather my parents used gin to pacify me). Did you notice the protective clothing recommendations? Good grief! Do you suppose the people who give their kids that stuff take the trouble to find out what it really is?

I've been watching myself closely since you said you only sorted out the Irish man because you were drunk. I have to say, I don't get any braver or more inclined to pick a fight as I get more sloshed and all the fracas I can remember being in, I've been sober. Some idiot out shooting pigeons nearly shot me when I was out walking my dogs a few years ago so I went flying over the fence (not a pretty sight) and tore the moron off a strip. He sort of waved the gun around uncertainly, denied all knowledge of the incident but also apologised and blamed someone else. So it's not just the chemicals you imbibe that have the effect of galvanising you into aggressive action, it's your own body chemicals too. Having 3 slugs (I think that's what they call them - I still have them) whistle past your head gives your adrenalin quite a boost. In any case, bravery seem to be chemically based (whether the chemicals are generated internally or externally) so maybe you really were brave.

Ah ha, so you are a weevil then! I shouldn't worry about the nasty breeding habits - look on the bright side: you could've been a liver fluke or a bilharzia fluke. There're worse things than bum weevils I'm sure. Amy must be a Truth Ant. Don't look into her eyes whatever you do, she'll know if you're lying.

Sorry, I just knew I should have replied on Thursday...
Greetings from the Crusade Against Temperance and Sobriety. At vast personal expense, we at CATS seem to have gone on a pilgrimage to worship the great God Ethan Oll by visiting as many of his temples as we can find since finishing work on Friday. Tonight the quest for redemption and enlightenment continues as I've to take some US tourists on a pub crawl around the student area of Glasgow. Tomorrow will be the first night class of the year, so that also stands a good chance of having the associated bonding rites. Wednesday is a problem, but I shall definitely complete my week's pilgrimage on a high note as there is a football match on Thursday. If only I could find some excuse for Wednesday this would be my longest pilgrimage for about 13 years. All suggestions gratefully accepted, as the only chance at the moment seems to be the TV breaking down and thus having to go down the pub to watch the football.

...and if someone tells me to get a life, next time I spend an evening on the computer/wagon I won't be responsible for what the pink elephants do to them.

I stay in a multi, not a red sandstone tenement, and the further away from ground zero the better. Some of the sandstone ones are also getting demolished, tho I'm not sure if this is partly due to the council employing El Heapo Cheapo Demolition Co. or not. These red sandstone buildings have a remarkable tendency to self destruct anyway. I remember two of them falling down, and I've been moved out of one as apparently someone had spotted the tell-tale kamikaze headband adorning the chimney. Still, there are also some 20YO Barratt houses about 1.5 miles away that have just been emptied as they have developed the same tendency.

I remember seeing a TV prog about giant hogweed, and how big efforts were being made to get rid of it, but they seem to have forgotten this area. Then again, I wouldn't be surprised if the council was planning some new botanic gardens as a tribute to our twinned city of Rostov. I was told about the set-aside policy when I went for a job at an Agricultural college in Ayr, they were wanting to see which species of grasses recolonised the fields. That was in 1993, so I guess this is the set-aside policy finally coming to fruition with masses of rag wort. Incidentally, I didn't get the job, but ended up working in the same place analysing buckets of pig slurry - not recommended for a good social life!

I hadn't spotted the protective clothing recommendations for the active ingredient in Calpol, but I have since read it again and yeah, it doesn't inspire confidence. I printed it out for the sis in law, who swears by it. Maybe she'll go back to feeding her horrors red wine now.

I was out hunting for lichens in the grounds of a pscyh hospital once (college project - honest), when I had to change my armour cos some nutter started blasting away at the wildlife, but that's the only time I've been close to a gun going off. Does half the rural population own these things? It seems that it's a necessary piece of equipment for farmers everywhere, if only to frighten off ramblers or shoot their own families.

Yes, now the truth is out about my insect origins, I suppose I'll have to do a picture of a Wumbeevil. Btw, what is the diet of Salamanders? I'm slightly worried here.

I seem to have a free weekend coming up, so if the pink elephants aren't giving me too much hassle, then I should be able to get the coffins together. Until then however, here's the best site for Korenglish I found. There's a brilliant bit at the breast pump "mothers milky"?!?!, but it seems to be down just now. So this is the next best page, tho there are nice bits throughout the site [Unsuitable link removed by Moderator]Until the next time, may the great god Ethan look over thee, and protect thee from the evil Sir Osis.
Now if that isn't what the shrinks call "projection", I don't know what is!

I was going to reply to your message this evening but I'm all worn out laughing at those astonishingly entertaining crap adverts you sent me to look at. Excellent!

Thought I should reply tonight because we were supposed to be having a big family do this weekend (starting Friday) with members of the clan coming from Brighton, London, Northampton, Nottingham, Stafford, Glasgow and even America. I was going to have the Glasgow contingent staying with me so I had days of preparation ahead (securing the booze and so on). It's all off now though because there's no fuel to be had and we don't want to be stuck with that mob of lunatics, possibly for weeks. One of my cousins has just emailed me to accuse me of arranging the whole thing just to keep them from coming down. I'm very fond of them really. I always end up with face ache from laughing when we get together.

Anyhow, I'll be able to reply properly at the weekend now that we have no chance of a knees-up.

Oh, and by the way yourself, you were right to be worried. Salamanders are insectivorous, but fortunately I find beetles a bit too crunchy for my taste, so you're ok.

Well at least you got your priorities right by securing the booze before it ran out. Now you can console yourself in style.

Someone was selling diesel from a lockup here during the shortage, and I heard at The Barras yesterday, that the people who had bought it were having engine problems!

I finally got round to putting up that page about the coffin exhibition in Kelvingrove museum. It's hard to believe, but they are absolutely genuine, tho the only one that is allowed in a church is the Bible one. They're actually from Ghana, but if the council want to lie about this place, then why can't I?

http://glesga.freeyellow.com/Coffins.htm

Ah well, back to my Birth of a Wumbeevil graphic, which ultimately you will be responsible for, having inadvetantly forced me to reflect upon my origins. I hope you can stand the guilt feelings when you see what is about to be inflicted on the world!

I've never been slung out of a place where I'm supposed to be welcome, so often. H2G2 is a real home from home! I'm doing this message off-line and, in all probability, once it's finished, it'll take the rest of the night to get it posted. I think all of h2g2's 61 - 62 thousand members must be trying to upload their research tonight.

So. Did you and your co-CATS enjoy your extended bender last week? Were the rewards of the great God Ethan Oll all you had hoped for? How's yer head?

Why were you taking US tourists on a pub crawl around the student area of Glasgow? Don't you have a red light district? Ah well, I expect it would be difficult to tell the difference in any case after a good pub crawl. What night classes are you taking? I was tempted to sign up for an astronomy class at our local Community College this term but then I remembered how completely unenthusiastic I feel about turning out in the pitch dark fog and rain in the middle of the winter, after a day at work. I'm impressed by anyone with the self-discipline to make themselves do it every week. Or are you teaching a course? I'd have to be impressed either way.

Did your TV oblige you by breaking down on Wednesday? And if so, (now be honest) did you assist its demise in any way? If I'd been a worth-while friend I would have put forward the obvious suggestion of saying "to hell with the dearth of excuses, I'm going to the pub to watch the football whatever happens".

Well, who would've guessed that those nice looking sandstone buildings were prone to collapse. What causes that do you suppose - poor building, subsidence, some problem with the stone or the occupants of the buildings?

What on earth did you do to upset those people at the College of Ag in Ayr so much that they would give you a job fiddling about with pig poo? Did you find anything interesting in it? I would imagine at that stage in your life, all your friends would be pig farmers and people who lacked a sense of smell. Hunting for lichens sounds a far more appealing job. And taking American tourists on pub crawls sounds better still.

Lots of people round here own guns and if they own one then they probably own several. One of my neighbours, who worked for the same company as I did at the time, had a row with his wife and started blasting away at her with one of those guns that sprays shot all over the place. He must have been out of his head because he totally failed to hit her and only succeeded in blasting through his living room wall and alerting the police to his dangerously unbalanced state of mind. Did I mention that the man who lives in the house behind me shot at my next door neighbour's son through his bedroom window? Ah, life in the country - you can't beat it!

I think I'm safe from the evil Sir Osis. I've just had 2 ritually purified gin and tonics with blessed ice and lemon. If the monstrous oaf approaches I shall fetch down the wrath of the holy ancestral liver upon him - then shall he know who's boss!

Are you still short of fuel? I think the problem's disappeared here, more or less. There was that big scare story about how it was going to take a month to get back to normal but I can't say I would even have noticed anything was different if the News hadn't been yammering in panic every time I turned on the TV. And, of course, all my relatives failed to come the do. You bike to work and I only work about 6 mile away from my house so don't use much fuel, so perhaps we're not the best judges of how bad it was. That person selling diesel with undesirable extras from his lockup had better keep a low profile for a while.

Had a stroll down the coffin gallery. You have to smile don't you? Some looked quite comfortable and I thought they might make good novelty beds. I sent Slarty an email expressing my appreciation of an exhibition well done. It's not just any entity that can make a bunch of coffins seem entertaining!

Now I'm waiting for the graphic representation of the birth of young Wumbeevils. My guilt knows no bounds! The world will get what's coming to it - if it didn't like nasty shocks it shouldn't have invented evolution. Good enough for it, I say.

Keep Weeviling.

I think you cursed me with your opening paragraph. I was going to reply that I'd never been slung out, which technically I suppose is still the case, but when I tried to call up the reply screen it wouldn't appear. As it's 6am, I don't think congestion can be the cause. I was wondering how many of the registered H2G2 members were actually real/active as I noticed the numbers given to new researchers had passed 150K recently.

My old body can stand these extended benders much more, tho it was good at the time. I regret to say, that Wednesday proved to be a day of convalescence. I had thought of joining in with the popular pastime of throwing the TV out the window, but I guess I've well and truly screwed up my chances of passing as a native Dalmarnockian now. No chance of a green card and free can of spraypaint .

You inadvertently gave me a good laugh by suggesting I take the US tourists to the red light area. I guess I forgot to mention they were female! Hmm, "and if you're ever running short of cash, you can always flog your mutton around here". They wouldn't have bothered much tho, I think there must be something about nurses worldwide, that gives them a different outlook on life from the rest of the population (and if that's not the politest euphemism for near-lunacy, I don't know what is).

I'm doing a course in Java at night classes. The guy who's teaching it is brilliant. He's zoomed thru the "this is a computer" bit, even had us writing HTML on the first night. I think this came as a shock to some, and may help explain the loss of a third of the class last night! He seems to be rendering my Thursday night course redundant, so I'll probably drop that before they want any money, and join my brother in his OU course instead. There's no great self-discipline required, apart from not bursting into tears when they demand payment, it gets me out of the house and gives my ever-decreasing number of brain cells some much needed exercise.

I think the problems with the red sandstone might have something to do with my weight! Every time we've stayed in a tenement there's been some sort of problem. I'm not sure if it's poor foundations, or the timber that holds them together has started to rot (the latter was the reason we got moved to delightful Dalmarnock).

Life in the country doesn't seem to be more exciting than it's made out to be. Seems like you've got a bigger chance of getting shot than me. Just give it a few years and we'll see these village green cricket matches turn into bloodbaths with live grenades for the seam bowlers etc. It's interesting to see what dealing with the revenue makes people do, in future I shall try and avoid them for health reasons. You hadn't mentioned either lunatic with a gun before. Is there a bit on the gun licence form which asks if you're mentally unstable, and anyone ticking "Yes", is automatically given a permit? No wonder the rural population is in decline, people are either getting shot or fleeing to the cities for safety!

Pig poo is wonderful, get a drop of it on your skin, and you can't get rid of the smell no matter how often you wash. S**t seems to have been the story of my life ever since I did the Jesus bit at an early age and tried to walk across a dairy-farming uncles cow dung pit cos the crust looked solid. Then it was working down the jobby mines with geriatrics who can perform amazing feats of artistry give five minutes and a handful of poo, and finall the piggiewiggies. I guess I'm fated to end up doubly incontinent. *checks trousers* Err excuse me, I' just have to ..err get changed for work.

It's strange about the fuel, I was saying to Wummenbeevil on Friday, that I thought they'd been exaggerating the effects, à la Drop the Dead Donkey. STV are prone to doing this, I don't know how many motoring news stories their grey Volvo estate appeared in - "Would that car get towed away Chief Inspector?". So I guess that around the country there would have been more than a few garage owners persuaded to close the pumps for filming. As for the pictures of empty bread counters in supermarkets, they're always like that when I go in, and they were careful not to give you shots of any other shelves in the background. Our local petrol station was open every morning, and it's on a main road into the city. The biggest queue I saw was about 12 vehicles and that was after the 'crisis' was over. Unfortunately, my boss managed his 120-130 mile daily drive in his 4WD gas guzzler every day as well. Have you heard from anyone who actually ran out of fuel?

I think the coffins were the bit I enjoyed most about our City of Architecture and Design Year. Now if only someone could explain their relevance to me...

Well if you can stand the guilt, you can see what you've helped inflict on the world at my home page.

Are you're relatives planning to come down this weekend instead? This is the traditional weekend for invading England, tho I think Blackpool's as far as most people get. Or have you scoffed all the liquid nourishment to console yourself for last weekend?

The number of h2g2 members displayed on the h2g2 statistics page is about 61,500. Where did the 150K figure come from? One of the figures has to be wrong unless numbers have suddenly rocketed or plummeted. Seems a bit odd that there would be any discrepancy at all. The figures must be generated automatically by the system. I can't believe they'd get someone to count them manually.

Ahh, there there! Couldn't even muster the will or energy to heave the TV out of the window. You must've been feeling poorly. Have you fully recovered now?

If your US tourists were women's institute members, they probably wouldn't be up for a tour of a red light district - but nurses ... well you said yourself, they are not as other women. And I happen to know you're right. That's what I did when I was 18. It's a horrible job so you develop this peculiar sense of humour to cope with it. Couldn't you tell?

Sounds as though you're really enjoying your Java classes. I'm envious. Still, I learn better on my own really so I suppose what I need is a good teach yourself book. You don't happen to know of one, do you? What's the Thursday night class you're about to dump? And what's the OU course you're thinking of starting. I was just thinking, you know this latest bit of news about lungs recovering after years of smoking, even if the smoker gives up after several decades of fuming away - well, maybe they'll discover that brain cells can recover or regenerate after all and that it's just a question of exercising ze little grey cells. Doesn't seem likely though does it? If you exercised your brain too much it could get too big for your skull - not much 'give' in a skull. It might start squirting out of you ear. Not much danger of that with mine. The worst thing about my brain is its nasty habit of handing over control to automatic pilot and my automatic pilot's a prat - it does things and forgets to let me know.

If you were heavy enough to bring down a tenement, you'd be too heavy to ride a bike. The rotting timber theory sounds far more plausible. It's a shame. When I was a kid, Glasgow looked black. Then they cleaned the stone and it changed to a lovely rich red. I suppose if it's the timber that's gone, they might be able to reuse the stone. Builders reuse old bricks and if old bricks are worth recycling then red sandstone should be too.

I've never seen a gun permit or license form but your theory about the mental instability tick box makes sense, now you come to mention it. I met the shootist from over the back, out with his dogs yesterday. I was disappointed to learn he's been shooting squirrels and magpies lately. He's also had the RSPCA round accusing him of shooting cats. When he blasted off at my next door neighbour's boy, the police confiscated 3 of his guns. They thought they'd got the lot, but evidently they were mistaken. The other one, who demolished his living room wall in his attempt to 'divorce' his wife, later took his gun up the High Street for a pint and got side tracked by the pub sign which, apparently, challenged him to try and hit it.

I'm almost afraid to ask what the "jobby mines" are. I've worked with senile old dears so I know what some of them are capable of. I was once offered a box of maltesers that ... oh, really, you don't want to know! Am I way off track? I hope so!

I'm sure there was a lot of exaggeration about the petrol crisis. Someone from the NHS was interviewed by some TV news guy and he said this official bod had come down to give them all a lecture on how they had to talk up the hysteria. The public, of course, willingly obliged by displaying all the hysteria that could possibly be hoped for and more. I don't suppose there would have been much of a petrol crisis without the panic buying.

So you think coffins aren't relevant to you, then. Is that a sign that you're in denial or that you intend to be cremated when that which we shall not mention (in case you're in denial), happens? Speaking of ways of disposing of the dead, one of my friends recently went on holiday to India. He and his girl friend took a trip down the Ganges in a boat. They had to get up before dawn for this trip - just him, her and the boatman. He said it was beautiful. The sky and the water were sort of pinky-golden and peaceful. She sat facing the back of the boat with her hand dangling in the river. He became aware that there were things floating in the river. As he squinted to get a better view of these floaters in the sparkling water he realized with horror that they were bodies and bits of bodies. That's how the folks of some religions deal with their dead: they sling them in the river. He wasn't sure if he should alert the girl friend and suggest she remove her mit from the river, lest she should get up and have a fit of the screaming heebie jeebies and tip them all into the water. What a quandary.

The young wumbeevil's quite cute. You see? It wasn't that bad, was it? Aren't you relieved to get that out of your system? (I bet that soldier was.) Now we all know your origins, so nobody's in a position to blackmail you about it any more. The host looked fairly relaxed about it all. Had he been doing breathing exercises in preparation for the happy event? It looked as though the community got involved and made a bit of an occasion of it: The Ceremonial Delivery of the Bum Weevil. Magic!

The family do has been cancelled until the Spring now. I don't expect the cousins will come down before that. There's still plenty of liquid refreshments in the booze cupboard, so if they do turn up unexpectedly, I'll be able to calm my nerves.

At Who's Online, we can see people who haven't gotten round to changing their names (with all the associated complications when it comes to pigeon-holing them for museum purposes!) marked as "Researcher 154603 *New this week*". I'm 37312, so it's not as if they started numbering at 50K or 90K, and the new numbers do seem to be sequential. I guess there are either a lot of people with split personalities who have registered more than once (can't see how H2G2 could tell unless it was always from the same cookied computer), it's only active members, or the statistics figure is well out of date. OK, what's the obvious reason I've missed?

I've just been to the stats page for the first time and it doesn't look as if it's the Out of Date reason as the figure has risen to over 62K. I see you have a claim to fame on that page, with one of the longest posts in the past 24 hours. How often do you have to replace your keyboard? I guess I might have a similar claim to fame by the end of this.

Not another ex-nurse! I just discovered late last week that a woman I had got talking to via email in work was also an ex-nurse. Is there anyone in the world who hasn't been a nurse at one point in their lives (and I include the inmates in the asylums), or is it just that I don't get talking to folks who aren't nurses? Obviously I can't tell nurses and ex-nurses consciously, but there must be some sort of telepathic bonding process that is gained from spending your formative years stuffing dead bodies and getting covered in geriatric poop whilst suffering with a hangover.

Australian footnote: this was where I stopped this morning, so we're now live, or as near live as I'll ever be.

That's weird, I crashed out during the Liverpool game and something has happened while I've been asleep. Every user page and forum in H2G2 has vanished. Am I alone in the world at 2.00 am? I shall continue replying in the assumption that they'ld interrupt the Olympic coverage to announce that the world had ended outside my house (yeah, I know that's one ENORMOUS assumption - sometimes I know how you feel when about sport when I'm stuck here in the early hours with a choice of either yachting or boxing). There's a rather obvious logic problem in that sentence, but I shall call on the help of a conspiracy theorist if challenged. Fortunately(?) I had a crash around three weeks ago, over an hour into a mammoth reply to a forum and have since done long replies in my emailer so I can save them from time to time. Ah, I'm not alone in the world, I'm now being hassled by a late night wasp....oh that's great, now I've got wasp juice all over my mouse mat and I'm alone in the world again. Right, on we go...

I don't know of any good teach yourself Java books. I've not really started hunting for one yet as we're still in the middle of a crash course in HTML which we shouldn't be starting until week 12 (and are probably going to be finished by week 6). However I was surfing around last weekend for info on Java and Javascript and found the following sites, but I haven't had a chance to check out any of the books/tutorials yet - [Broken link removed by Moderator]and http://code.box.sk/ The Thursday class that has now been dumped was called Publishing on the Internet, but it didn't look like it was going to contain as much design stuff as I'd hoped and the final outcome was only to upload a handcrafted five page website, which we've already done (albeit in a rudimentary form) in the Java class. I'm just glad I hadn't paid for the Thursday before discovering its true nature.

The OU course is BSc IT and Computing ( http://www3.open.ac.uk/courses/bin/p12.dll?Q01B13_computing ). Personally I'd prefer just to pick options from different named courses, which you can do and still get a degree, but know I've got a better chance of actually finishing it if I tag along with my brother. Sounds like your brain's autopilot is the same model as mine tho, the one that also can't tell the difference between food and drink, with the resultant coffee granules going into the casserole dish or the curry powder in the coffee mug.

The tenement we got moved out of was getting the timber beams replaced by steel, but that wasn't council owned. I think they're only knocking down the ones across the road because they installed central heating in them a couple of years ago, and it's official council policy to waste money like this.

I've noticed that there are a lot more magpies around than a few years ago, so maybe it's your 'friend' and similar folks chasing them into the safety of the cities. He doesn't shoot herons as well does he? That's probably a silly question as those folks'll shoot anything that moves, and probably anything that doesn't on the assumption that it's playing dead, even if 'it' is a pub sign. I saw a heron near the city centre last week and hadn't realised the size of them before. Taking your gun out for a pint seems to be an unusual way of attracting the attention of bar staff, tho I'd imagine it's probably very effective.

You're not way off track with the jobby mines of geriatrics, in fact you're dead right (if I can use that phrase), especially if the perpetrators are suffering from some form of dementia. I'll see your maltesers, and raise you drying jobbies on the radiator so they can be smoked! Damn, some long-suppressed memories of the jobby-eaters have just re-surfaced. Think I'd better have another coffee/curry to take the taste away.

Yeah, I'd a feeling you'ld pull me up about the coffins not being relevant somehow. I guess your friend avoided romantically kissing his girlfriend's hand or accepting any fomites from her for a while after their boat trip in India... or did he take her to Saudi and encourage her to shoplift? Throwing bodies into the river seems a much more ecofriendly idea than all the nonsense they go thru here, trying to stop the corpse getting back into nature's cycles for as long
as possible. I wonder if Billy Connolly's pal who peed into the ashes urn was actually an undercover ecowarrior and not just pished out of his skull. Must check and see if Friends of the Earth and the Angling Association have a policy on this! Personally I'd like to get back into circulation as soon as possible as the thought of some people quietly supping a pint not knowing that it contains atoms from my body appeals to me for some obscure reason. I don't think I'll bother extrapolating this line of thought to the local sewage works if you don't mind.

Hey! Thanks for the idea of the ceremonial birth of a Wumbeevil, wish I'd thought of that. I've now altered the heading to something about the pooping of the colour.

And on that tasteful note, I'll go and see if H2G2 is back in existence. You're quite often there in the early hours, I hope for your sake you weren't in the middle of a long reply when it vanished?

Australian Header: H2G2 finally reappeared sometime between 10am and 1pm.

I think the 62 thousand(ish) members on the stats page must be active. I expect anyone who hasn't signed in for a month or so, drops out of the stats. I've been trying to work out how the stats page works for the list of erudites. It's obvious that the longest posts are just based on a straight character count, the most recent is also obvious. I think they must filter the words through some kind of dictionary software for the erudites and pick out the ones with the most words that aren't in most people's everyday active vocabulary. Or perhaps it homes in on long words. What do you reckon?

It's been pointed out to me before that my name's shown up in the longest posts list. There are 2 threads I post long messages to, this one and Wazungu's. On the rare occasions when I send you and Wazungu both a message in the same 24 hour period, I've been listed twice under "long-winded gas-bags". I've also been listed under the erudites a few times but I've never been able to work out why. I have got a new keyboard, as a matter of fact, but that's pure coincidence! I've got one of those bent ones that are supposed to be good for touch-typing. It isn't though. I installed some teach yourself typing software last week for my friend's daughter (so my pal and I could have a conversation in peace). I tried out the typing speed test and it slows me down by exactly 25%. Think yourself lucky. If I could type faster on this damn thing, my messages might be even longer.

There are loads of people who haven't been nurses. It's probably just that you find yourself drawn to the horrible nursey sense of humour. It's very distinct and if you were paying attention, you'd probably spot it consciously instead of unconsciously. Anyone who's spent a few years being paid peanuts for a job that involves being up to their elbows in blood, poo and vomit all day but also carries a fair amount of responsibility, is bound to adjust their view of the world accordingly. It seems you've enjoyed the standard range of nursey-type experiences. Poor you. Keep those memories suppressed!

I guess you've confirmed elsewhere that h2g2 did indeed go awol the other evening. I have the impression that a lot of regulars got very twitchy. I did. It was quite surprising. I've got into the habit of checking in just about every night now. I've discovered (sad but true) that I've come to think of as many as 5 people here as actual friends - even though I haven't met any of them (yourself included of course). What the hell are you to make of it when you suddenly discover you've turned into one of those people you used to think of as computer nerds? Worrying or what?

Thanks for the Java links. One of them gave an error message but the other was interesting. Trouble is, I didn't know there were 2 things to be aware of: Java and JavaScript. Do you happen to know what the difference is? Did you use the info learned at your new class to make that excellent little Wumbeevil animation? You did well to dump the Thursday class before payment was exacted. That's one of the problems with evening classes: all ability levels get piled in together and the tutor's a bit limited by the speed of the slowest. It sounds as though the tutor of your new class is taking the speed of the fastest into account and working at the upper instead of the lower limit. The OU course looks interesting too but I agree with you about the mixing of courses. Can't you persuade your brother that he'd be more interested in some of the courses you'd rather do?

I noticed the bit of editing you did on your Wumbeevil birthing ceremony. Very nice. Very tasteful. Speaking of the birth of bugs, I've done my first guide entry on cicadas. If you like bugs you'll like cicadas. They're little poppets!

So far I've never put curry powder in my coffee or vice versa but recently my useless autopilot caused me to make tea and coffee in the same cup. I was making myself a nice cup of real coffee with one of those filters that sits on top of the cup but when I went to stir it, the cup had a tea bag in it.

It would be good to find out exactly how much of tax-payers' money national and local government waste. I have a very strong feeling it would turn out to be a figure somewhere in the billions over the course of a few years. I bet that knocking down a building shortly after installing a new central heating system's one of their least expensive bits of insanity.

You're right about the nutters with guns. They will shoot anything. It's actually illegal to shoot herons but that wouldn't stop them for a moment if they thought they could get away with it. Herons are big, graceful, fish guzzlers. There's one that likes to eat my brothers coy carp. He's had lots of offers from local gun-toting loonies to shoot it for him, but as much as he'd rather the heron would leave his fish alone, he's also quite fond of the old devil. I'd recommend waving a gun around as a way of getting the attention of bar staff. I've noticed that I get completely ignored when there's also a gun-man trying to order a drink - even if it's my turn.

Throwing bodies in a river might be environmentally friendly when you just have a few bodies to dispose of but when there are hundreds, it gets a bit unhealthy for the folks drinking and bathing in the water. A couple of days ago I overheard a couple of boys discussing how they wanted to be disposed of when the grim reaper had dealt them their final blow. One said he wanted to be buried shallowly near a path in a wood where he could offend passers-by with the smell of decomposition and dogs would keep digging him up. Don't you just love a corpse with a sense of humour?

Do you think this is long enough to get on the wind-bag list?

This is just a quickie to test a theory. I think the erudite is just an average posting length, but you must have a minimum of five posts. To test it, just post 4 or 5 one word replies here - I won't think you're nuts! The reason I think this is that I watched my erudite average slip down after that tome last weekend unti,l after 10 or 11 short posts, I fell off the bottom of the list.

Matilda told such dreadful lies,

It made one gasp and stretch one's eyes;

Her aunt, who, from her earliest youth,

Had kept a strict regard for truth,