h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

HAHAHAHA! YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS! YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS!



PS
I only react in this way as I am obviously suffering gross mental anguish from your deliberate snubbage.

good word snubbage.

is that why you're sulking?

Oh no, I just always get in a bit of a sulk when I visit here. Nothing personal against anyone in particular, even the large creature that gets knocked out of biscuits by hungry sailors (how does he hide in a ginger snap, that's what I want to know? It's like a fantastic feat of TARDISity).

Little B! You're back

Tefkat! Your front geroff, let me breathe.

I only have no friends because the ones I do make have got taste and some standards

For instance, I shall now exclusively reveal to you two that my botty has collapsed twice in the past twenty minutes whilst listening to the Blink 182 album the niece forced upon me.

One of you will laugh once, hunt out the lyrics and send me her rendition of Family Reunion accompanied by bagpipes.

The other will laugh twice, sign me up for their newsletter and send me a pair of tin foil Ys.

>I only have no friends because the ones I do make have got taste and some standards

I thought I were the oxymoronic one... i fink thisis wartha sed.

>For instance, I shall now exclusively reveal to you two that my botty has collapsed twice in the past twenty minutes whilst listening to the Blink 182 album the niece forced upon me.

Thanks for sharing. GUARD! GUARD! I think our time's up and he has to go back to his cell now, right?

>The other will laugh twice, sign me up for their newsletter and send me a pair of tin foil Ys.

Haha. Family Reunion's a splendid song - perfect for getting one up and alert should they be unfortunate enough to wake A.M. (or for playing when grandma visits). Consider the foily Y's to be in the post. You know, you may blame your petit foible's on your so-called 'niece', but I think perhaps she is an hallucination brought about by prolonged over-exposure to noxious hamsters.

Oxymoronic? Moi? I've never heard such fantastic rubbish.

Ha you're too late shouting for the guards, I discharged myself back into the loving arms of my chair on Sunday. I was worried about the hibernating hamster starving and had to go and leave him a nice bowl of homemade chilli in case he wanted to empathise with my antibiotic ravished botty....oh god is that a Freudian slip or what? I can't possibly delete that one.

As for the niece, she is definitely no figment of my imagination. I tried on her Docs at Xmas and they fitted me perfectly. And if she's a figment of my imagination, how do you explain my bruised condition after I tried to steal them? Careful with the accusation or you might receive a picture of her gothishness. I also confess to liking her Linkin Park album, so much so, that I gave her record tokens for Xmas so she could go out and buy me more music.

Anyway, enough of this happy families nonsense. I suppose you're going to stay in that sulk even after I put your name up, so I might as well grasp the bull by the horns and ask if I can list you amongst my friends. However before I do so, I'd just like to inflict some psychological pressure on the both of you....

*clears throat and drowns a passing rat*


I'm nobody's child, I'm nobody's child
Just like the flowers, I am growing wild
I've got no mammy's kisses, I've got no, no daddy's smile
Nobody wants me, I'm nobody's child

No mammy's arms to hold me
Or soothe me when I cry
'Cause sometimes I feel so lonesome
I wish that I could die
I'd walk the streets of Heaven
Where all the blind can see
And just like all the other kids there'd be a home for me

Would the two of you kindly permit me to add you to my list of friends, cos I couldn't afford friends when I was young. Mum always did her best and if she wasn't hiding me in the big dustbins to make friends with the dustmen, she would encourage me to "get good at sports and make lots of chums" by playing chicken 20 times a day, but I still have no friends.

Please, please will you two be my first real friends?

I can always dig out the full length Billy Connolly version of Nobody's Child if you want time to think

Why aye bonny lad



































...dig out Nobody's Child.

(Do you still go to Xolin's or the Cellar? - 'cos I've got an mpg that's right up your street. Or shall I just email it?)

I've got a friend! I've got a friend!

As for the mpg, I don't usually go to either unless I've received an email notification saying something has been posted (which I definitely get from Xolin). Whatever's easiest kat.

Oh I quite like this friends lark. I think I'll just add a few more and get them a bad name

Shirley's a bad name (if they're men). or how about Beelzebub?

No thanks, I've just had one.

I was foiled this morning by BBC error pages, but like Claire, I shall press on.

Speaking of which, http://tinyurl.com/yv6km

Was it a lemon one?

Hey! Nice name. I like it so much I'd to do some swift backtracking there and remove a certain unauthorised poet and terrapin-eater from my list.

Lemon? No, I prefer the dogfood scented ones - drives their owners nuts when I jump on a bus

--->

I changed the name before you added the small large one. Does this mean I have to change it again?

Ashley i meant your Cilla, Bub, but I s'pose it could apply equally to the tea.

Is that why always stick their noses there?

I'll just go and eat worms shall I?

(Is a Thai man like a leg man but higher?)

http://tinyurl.com/2fj75

Perhaps he's a green tea addict.

Is carrying £124 in cash illegal? Puts the kibosh on your meetup drinking doesn't it...

"Is that why always stick their noses there?"

No that's the new use for Bonio biscuits I've recently found - a gerbil marches on its stomach

Mmm, worms followed by poohding

What is it about Thailand? Is that why Oz was all set to fly to Bangkok on Sunday? I've heard about Geordie women, but never realised the menfolks had to fly to Thailand to get their hands on some undies.

He was actually carrying £3000, but he had to bribe the polis to drop the charges about stealing two bras as he couldn't face the shame of that.

Is that 'cos Bangkok's full of ladyboys?

What I don't understand is why the suits didn't just TELL him in the first place, instead of waiting for the elbow?

There's one in there somewhere about Dennis elbow, but my mind has given up. I think it's down to the excitement of having a friend.

they say a dog is a man's best friend, tho' in your case, at the moment, i'd say it would have to be a dyslexic one.

That's no way to talk about Wummenbeevil.