h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Gotcha!

Hope you haven't said the same to everyone else on that list or Gavin Merrifield is going to be one very puzzled researcher wondering why two people with funny accents are stalking him.

Excuse you me!!

He's the one with the accent!

No, wait. Intelligence sources suggest that you have visited Glasgow Uni and, knowing the kenocidal effect this place had on the Insidious Dr Munchkin's Ayrshire accent, I strongly suspect that you will have been contaminated with the GUndemic EMSA virus (Ever More Southern Accent).

Alreet pet? Divvint borra yur arrs abootit. It's wan o thae incoorabil disazes.

Nah!

Not this soldier, ...I resisted!

Oh good, I can drop the posh accent then, whatever it was.

There was a soldier a Scottish Soldier
Who wandered far away, away to Glasgow one day
And said, "Eff this furra gemma sodgers, ah'm away hame"

How could you resist the charms of the safest city in Britain? Don't tell me you weren't impressed by the fine displays of multiple urban deprivation in the Dear Green Phlegm Place?

I did wonder about your accent.

That sounds much more authentic, not to mention ethnic!

Nothing personal about your city, I just don't like cities, they're too big and busy for me!

Well it's a bit less busy now....there were four murders at the weekend. Much more of this and Scotland's health figures will be showing signs of radical improvement despite me doing my bit to keep us at the top of the ill-health league by drowning in snot.

Stay indoors and keep warm...

and keep away from nutters!

*looks at ticket for Liverpool game tonight. Decides to burn it and forsake the pub in favour of a few hot cocoas and an early bed*


*the sky gradually darkens as wave after wave of our porcine friends take to the air and perform aerobatics *

maybe they should have been on the pitch...

...but Hartson was playing

Ha! (as someone else once said) Beaten better teams than that this season. Just wait for the return.

Didn't get a chance to fall asleep on the bus tho, the scousers nicked it...no they were singing songs about Harold Shipman.

Glad you resisted the lure of cocoa and early bed...

When's the return, btw?

Just make sure and find a nice hurling game to get involved in next Thursday ya big teuchter, I certainly will.

Wot? No reaction for calling funny hockey the wrong name? I doubt if you're into the other teuchter pursuit and you don't want to emigrate to Glasgow and inflict funny languages like Gaelic and English on us?

J'accuse, you're not the part-teuchter you claim to be

You one of those French-Weegies, then?

I was actually away to my bed, being (a bit) sensible, for once!

Not a part-teuchter? I'm certainly not a townie, but you'll need to clarify the criteria for teuchterity, or else I won't know what I am!

Okay, you've waited me out!

I wasn't going to admit it, but I do have a thing about ...

I don't have the pic of the naughty Teddy and sheep that's on top of my TV, but this is sitting beside it...

http://glesga.freeyellow.com/Wuckfitt/ArgyllDoll.htm

Oh deary me, that's all I need, a cross between Shakespeare's puns and Imelda Bleedin' Marcos.

Mais wee man, Vive la France, egalité, fraternité et pissartistré. Vive le Chateau Kronenbourg.

OK, we'll apply the famous Teuchter test:-

1) Do you, or any of your family, dress like this?

http://server3002.freeyellow.com/glesga/TeuchterTrews.jpg

Teuchter Test 2

Is this you on your visit to Glasgow?

http://www.scotweb.co.uk/underthekilt/images/pics/p8.jpg