h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Why 'tis verily an honour to be referred to in a poem regarding bowels and methane expressions. Oh yeah. Thanks.

Little "is it A)sarcasm B)irony or C)genuine appeciation?" B.

Where's the Nun of the Above option?

Oh there you are *waves nervously at the leather habit-clad figure*

If you force me to pick one (and I can see by those thumbscrews that you intend something like that), then I must opt for BC. The answer lies somewhere in between the two.

You and Draeven have the misfortune to be the only two people I know who write serious poetry, so I thought I'd give you a plug *hands over bathplug before she gets the wrong idea*, by contrasting you with McGonagall and myself.

I was intending to link your mentions to your sites, but haven't got around to asking either of you if that's OK yet. *Swallows a bottle of generic aniseed flavoured alcohol* Is that OK, or do you want removed from the illustrious company you currently find yourself in?

Look blame the Beeb, they asked for Vogon poetry, and I thought, "Now's my chance. I can go to another place and proudly shout, 'I'm a published poet, just like Little B' ". Alas, over a week after submission it appears my first effort has failed.

Be honest, did you cringe at the "first" in that last sentence?

And well, you might. I am going to go back and study McGonagall's other masterpieces looking for tips, so I can suceed in my ambition....if I live that long.

Wum "The Bruce" Beevil

Hey man, personal expression is a soulful and beautiful thing Feel free to link to my website in a hoopy and groovy interest flow kind of way (that looks more heidi than zen if you ask me...). Everyone is welcome to gaze fish-tank-like at my scratchings (not itchings and not pork ones either.. I am still a ruthless vegetable murderer ). You should be warned though that if you keep penning such masterpieces, within no time you'll be wearing a polo neck with compulsory starsign medallion and smoking Gitanes in a dingy Continental bar... Ooh, do you see the little dancing lights too, or am I having another Absinthe flashback?

Little "Om" B.

Ooh! lots of new smileys. I in' hate that motherin' of a smiley. It just encourages s like me to swear all the in' time.

Have you been watching Woodstock or something? Didn't I warn you about Snoopy's jealous rages?

If you've read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle maintenance then you'll know what happened to 's ears. His crash helmet was too tight.

You've now got me paranoid, the fish-tank is behind me and I can feel its watery gaze on the back of my neck. It's sending a river down my spine.

"Dingy Continental bar" , sounds like a step up in the world from the one I usually frequent, which was last done up in 1846 when the owner returned from Ireland with 3 million tons of potatoes he'd bought off the back of a cart (OK where's the potato smiley?). French fags I can handle. I'm not so sure about the medallion and even less so about the polo neck though. Wear one of them and people always think

If you're expecting an Absinthe pun, I've been tipped off that the hart grow fondue one is a cert to get censorred.

"Personal expression is a soulful and beautiful thing", that was so lovely.

Wummmmmmmmmbeevil

Wondering why we have three smileys for a class-ridden minority sport like tennis and no sign of football, rugby, cricket or rounders. 's first against the wall come the smiley revolution, or as the smiley would say,

's gonna get your in' kicked in.

...and there are still no in' sheep!

If they gave us a smiley, people would be sure to use 'em in nefarious ways, plus the fact they would have probably appeared in veritable flocks during the unhappy farming debacle earlier this year. Hence no Barleymow or Mr Bluesuit too, one might presume... (Hey it was the closest livestock I could find)

Anyway, I forgot to mention, if I didn't point you that way before rahnd the fire loike, check out the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (deets in the MR on my site). I think it's the kind of thing that you would excel at, Sir

Little "GM Smileys for a Grue tomorrow" B.

YOU

How dare you sir! As an esteemed writer of note (well OK a letter to the Topper when I was 22), I take grave offence at the insinuation that I should raise my standards to those of BLFC entrants in order to earn critical acclaim. Hrrmph. We're not all in it for fame and fortune you know. The fortune maybe, but I don't want the fame and nudey pics of "Famous Author and BLFC winner Wumbeevil" appearing all over the net. I'm sure you agree with this sentiment.

Besides I'm gonna get on that BBC Vogon Poetry site or get my homepage barred for crimes aginst humanity. Now is my next effort going to be the bogey in my left nostril or a tale of unrequited love between a Peruvian llama and a Tibetan lama?
Dial 0874 555 0001 for the snotter and 0874 555 786543902137532764876410 for the dallying lama.*

*calls cost £300 per second, use someone else's phone.

Mr Bluesuit , but wait! Couldn't this be a Mr. Bluesuit?

The next time I'm grovelling for my life, remind me to offer you a banana. Apparently it works.

Wum "not long 'til the toy ads appear now" beevil

Now you've put my nose out of joint! I'd better try some freckles


. . .

Well the deed is done. No need for golden shower review or whatever they call it.

Infernal Bogey has now been submitted to the Beeb for their delectation with "snotter" substituted for one word to increase my chances this time.

I'm now feeling new poetic inspiration coming on. Thank you Glenn Miller and Little Brown Jug. May I make a one word alteration to the title?



You never told me writing poetry was such fun Little B. I could get hooked on this ....

.....unless offered a large bribe to desist.