h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

AC-1D? Your javascript is really freaking me out, man! I feel like I'm under surveillance...wow; I AM!
Nice page though. I'll never get the hang of those things...javascript features tens of thousands of buttons and knobs that I will never understand. Tough titty. Who told you of that indian tribe? I thought I was the only one that had gotten out of that place alive. Oh well, I reckon the web is big enough for the both of us...you just stick to your story, you fiend!
Q.

Okay Lacerda, you've got a deal. But listen man, if I catch you messing around with those indians anymore I'll have to have my attorney rip out your pineal and feed it to the mice.

You don't understand; you have to keep a b s o l u t e l y quiet about those indians, there's no telling what they'll do if they suddenly turn up in the middle of new york and go on a vengeance trip across the country, looking for, exactly: US TWO!
("I don't know anything about any indians, honest!")
If your lawyer comes after me, I'll have my lawyer obtain a ruling that all further proceedings will be held in the local dialect of the aforementioned indians, of which I have no knowledge of at all, of course.
Gawd, I'm glad I got out of that place. How did you manage?

...in retrospect, think of what a pineal gland would do to mice?

Luckily I had seven Pounds of marijuana in a garbage bag at the time and managed to get them so stoned at the cannibal feast celebrations that they all passed out in a stupor. I then crawled through the jungle for four days with no food.

Seven foot Mickey with horns and a 37 inch penis. My god, man, what was I thinking???

Not to talk about six huge hairy tits growing out of their backs...and someone has to push the bastards around in wheelbarrows!
Four days without food, really? Then again, who said that mescaline doesn't contain the necessary nutrition you need for a day on the move? You're a living proof that drugs can save lives.

You said it, man.
Who invited all these drunken fishes??

Oh sorry, that would be me. I thought you wanted them here, I found them in George Washington's mouth this morning and they seemed like they had nowhere else to go.
Was that wrong?

No, but we better make sure the cops don't see them. They might twig to who we really are and you know what kind of chaos that could result in!!

Do you think they know who we really are? At this point, that could prove to be helpful as I have only a hazy recollection myself...
Is this bag of animal tranquilizer mine or yours? Who am I?
Oooo...little tiny indigo-coulored dots...

Keep quiet about the dots, you fool. Everyone will want some and we don't have enough of these pills for everyone. As for the animal tranquilizers, I say we use it on the fish and sneak out before the cops find out.

Little singing fish on acid could really help us blend in, I see what you mean. I think it's ok with the dots, I made sure to bring enough for everybody...What if we train the fish in hand-to-fish combat and send them after the narcotics agent on our tails?

Good idea but those Narcs carry harpoons as part of their standard equipment. The best idea would be to make a few PHONE CALLS to the right people and have them sort this mess out. If I could just remember the phone number. Damn this acid I'm thinking 2222222222222222222222 but that can't be a phone number. Maybe the Swiss bank account of the sinister man who rang me on thursday... Or was that some kind of intricate flashback/dream?

If those twos had been ones, it could've been binary, but now it's only a scrambled mess. Maybe it's morse? Or a phone number to someone in Kenya. Maybe the number to Arap Moi's inflatable personal guard...THEY could take care of this, couldn't they?
It's common knowledge that narcs fear inflatable bodyguards.
JesusGod! Keep quiet about that man with the swiss bank account; he's working for the indians!!

That's what they'd like us to think!! But do you really think a bunch of square government jocks with harpoons are going to be worried about a pack of blow up dolls?
I say we put these crazy fish on the payroll!!

The fish can be useful, I'll grant them that. If they only could stop singing "it's a small world" over and over agian.
If we send them after the narcs they'll go crazy within a day!
And oh yea; is it ok if I send a couple of them over to your place? I think some of them has ate my mexican carpet...Inflatable bodyguards are very underestimated these days, who do you think was the second gunman that killed Kennedy?

I thought it was Dr Benway.
Don't go sending me any fish. I know what you're thinking, you filthy swine. The trick to getting them to stop singing is to teach them how to play twister. That should take their mind's off it.

I didn't get them to play twister, but we have a nice game of monopoly going here, and they're shutting up quite nicely. I slipped them some of your animal tranquilizer too, hope you don't mind. I've been getting sms messages on my cellular from a guy calling himself Brown talking about "a deal". Is he one of Yours?

You want to know about Brown? Have you any idea what I've BEEN through these last 3 weeks. My god man, put that cellular away. Are you trying to call in the goddamned Nazis????
Just pretend Brown is a pair of corduroy socks you've had for years - nice and comfortable and don't make any kind of sarcastic replies to that SMS. Remember he's an animal but he can be useful when you're dealing with rampant hush puppies after 3 week long trip through hell and the burning beaches thereof ! ! !