h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So.

I've been to Prague twice, once in 19992, once in 2003. Much has changed!

Last time I was speaking at a conference. I flew out via Amsterdam and, since I had a stopover of a few hours, I figure I might as well take a taxi to a 'coffeeshop' and stock up on supplies. After all, a guy in a business suit with a letter of introduction from their government is hardly likely to be stopped.

Anyway...one evening I went out with some other delegates. Because I'd been to Prague before, I was volunteered to take them around the sights. We finished at a nice restaurant and afterwards I put them into a taxi with the intention of walking home. I got a couple of blocks and came across a tiny, interesting-looking bar and decided to have one more beer. I went in, sat down and noticed a familiar aroma. So I pulled a mutant cigarette out asked the barmaid if it was OK to smoke in there. "If police come, is your problem", she said. I took that as a yes.

Anyway...as I sat there feeling mellow, I overheard an argument about the Iraq war and joined in and passed the mutant cigarette around. One of the guys was American, and I got talking to his British business partner...who was rather drunk. After a while, I asked him what business he was in. "Porn", he said. He told me all about his philosophy of 'ethical porn'. He said that he and his partner don't exploit people. Firstly, they won't ask anyone if they want to be in a film, but people who know what business they're in have to come to them. Secondly, the only sort of contract they'll have is a fifty-fifty profit split between the two partners and the 'performers'. Thirdly, they won't tell the performers what they should do. So...say a girl comes to them wanting to know how to make money. They'll say "If you want, we can film you fully-clothed, maybe smoking a cigarette or taking off your shoes . We could sell that. Not for much, though." So she'll say "OKaaayyy...so what if I were to..." and obviously profit levels increase depending on what she's willing to do." So - that was my insight into the Czech porn industry. I don't think there's much money in it. Later he got into a fist fight with his internet techie over some missing money, and I worked out they were fighting over €15. I think he makes more money teaching English.

However...he introduced me to his flatmate Veronika (also a teacher - not in porn) and she and I discovered a mutual love of Anthony Burgess. We got on really well and agreed to meet up the next night. (btw - I left the bar at 4am. I was speaking at 10!). She took me around all sorts of bars and I met philosophers, artists, 'escorts'. One guy was a huge, amiable Russian. I don't speak much Russian - only what I've learned from A Clockwork Orange (which is a surprising amount, actually) - but we got on great. After a while, she said to me "This is the guy who's got permission to kill for the mafia." When I went to the toilet in the back room later, I saw a pile of dollar bills and a gun on one of the tables. And my hashish was declared by all to be the best ever smoked in the Czech Republic.

And that's the condensed version!

Same trip: I was walking through the Old Town Square on a beautiful May night with my erudite Italian friend. We were ogling the beautiful buildings and the beautiful women. He turned to me and said,
"Why was Kafka depressed?"


btw...my favourite ever New Yorker cartoon:
A tourist couple have stopped to ask directions from a 'typical' Irish gentlemen. He's pointing over yonder and saying,
"...riverrun past Eve and Adam's..."

btw(2)

1. I see you've quoted the opening line to the prologue of 'Slaughterhouse 5'. The opening line proper is better:
"Listen! Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time."

(And the closing line: "Poo-tee-wit.")

2. The opening line of 'Under The Frog' is one to look forward to.

I have an October 1971 Dell Book. It might be different.
Here are the first 4 pages:

Slaughterhouse-Five or The Children's Crusade a duty dance with death by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. A fourth-generation German-American now living in easy circumstances on Cape Cod (and smoking too much), who, as an American Infantry Scout Hors de Combat, as a Prisoner of War, witnessed the fire-bombing of Dresden, Germany, 'The Florence of the Elbe,' a long time ago, and survived to tell the tale. This is a novel somewhat in the telegraphic schizophrenic manner of tales of the Planet Tralfamadore, where the flying saucers come from. Peace.

For Mary O'Hare and Gerhard Müller

The cattle are lowing,
The Baby awakes.
But the little Lord Jesus
No crying He makes.

ONE.
All this happened, more or less.....etc.

Curiously there's no mention of your opening line. The last line in my book is:
One bird said to Billy Pilgrim, "Poo-tee-weet?"

Ah, I'm a Dumkopf, I've found you're opening line, you are right, but in my book it's Chapter 2 and it's on p. 23.

You had a 'curious' time in Pargue. Kafka would've been proud of you.
Our visit was tame by comparison. I went with my girlfriend on the train from Vienna where we live and booked into an hotel near the station.
We seemed to spend our time walking around cobbled streets, going back and forth over the Wensceslas Bridge, sitting in various coffee house, exploring the castle and environs, looking at a strange clock, riding our 3 day tram ticket to death, visiting the Kafa museum, the Smettena Hall, attending a concert, an art exhibition, bit of shopping, strolling by the river, and looking for decent places to eat. Neither of us smoke, roll ups or the other kind, but we always like to relax with good healthy beer in a clean smoke-free environment! We're a bit militant in that respect, always badgering doormen and waiters for the no-smoking section!

Lovely image - that New York cartoon!