h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've been up since 6pm yesterday (I had a lye in so nurh).

I've arranged for my sister to come round tomorrow to spend the day watching firefly.

Was bought a jayne-esque khaki green shirty thing.

Broke my 'mobile phone promotion' record.

The record stood at 5 minutes, mainly because it happened on monday and I wasn't prepared. Not only that, but I couldnt remember the last call I'd had from the mobile phone promotions people (you know the ones, they offer a promotion about a contract phone..).

Anyway I gets one today, but after lack of sleep and the giddiness it induced I launched into it with full gusto!

The initial foray was.. awkwardly clumsy. I've found that the best tactic is to absorb the promotion and reflect it '500 free texts you say?' is a good starter.

You then need a kicker after a good three minutes of explanation, mainly because you need something to keep your interest and sitting there is far too easy. In this case, the kicker was 'Can I ask your name?', as an interuption.

This then gives two options - the first is easy. You let the tirade flow with regular 'whats your name' interuptions, or you can get angry. Not violent and not offensive - that wouldnt be proper.

So I did 'Excuse me, could you please be quiet I'm trying to speak and you are not listening. What is your name'.

Now you've interupted him/her more sternly. Quiet rude indeed! This invites the other guy to either calmly tell you his name (alias - Rooney Wells.. actually called Adam although no surname could be gained) or he continues his tirade. He chose to continue..

Your back up plan is to ask for the manager AKA the guy sat next to the one your speaking to.

Anyway I goes back to the original guy and we get talking. He mentioned something about me and my soverign (what the hell the goblin king has to do with all this I dont know).

It got to 17 minutes and 45 seconds - I'd crushed my previous record twice over! I told the guy 'Look I get these calls all the time and it gets frustrating. I like winding people up. To be honest theres no Mr Macgee* and I'm not interested in getting a contract phone now or ever'

Now thats what I'd call an amicable end. He's made the hard sell, and I admit I was more then impressed he clearly dealt with my like before. But something wierd happened. In a sly double move, he started to open up about his family in Sri Lanka who would benefit from me having a contract phone. I went from being the King** to his Brother.

But the clock was still ticking.

I could see the thirty minute mark looming but could I make it?

I invented a sob story - I was 21, a law student with a child living on so little money that sometimes she'd have to starve (that was a slip up, I did correct it, but.. well.. I like my food what do you expect).

It finished at 27 minutes and 2 seconds with me hanging up - only the second time I've ever hung up if I'm going for the record because I simply couldnt carry on. I was on the verge of bursting into laughter all the way through and I just couldnt carry on when I noticed the time.

To be honest, I've had worst phone calls with parents. There were no raised voices, no swearing (although he thought I did - somehow - when I said 'whats me and my sovreign got to do with anything?') and it turned out be quite a pleasent and enjoyable conversation.

I had to give him respect for continuing the sale though even after I said 'Look, mate, I'm being serious, I'm taking the [bodily fluid]'. Not one has ever pushed that hard. Not one. It even got to the point towards the end (the last few minutes) where even he was like 'you know what, I know you dont want to buy this phone but you've been so polite today and its been a pleasure speaking with you..' and off he'd go.

Now I've never hyperventilated in my life. I've never been dizzy and naucious from laughing so hard that I couldnt breathe, but the moment i hit that off button...

As a point of interest, he said he was working on behalf of Advance Mobile Company on a promotional offer for 3G (He might have meant that he was working for the advanced mobile phone company 3g however).

So there you go folks, 27 minutes 2 seconds. Thats the time to beat. You get a point for each of the following =
- The name of the person you were speaking to
- Getting there real name..
- Their age
- What network are they working with
- What company are they working for (thats a bonus point)
- Every FULL 5 minutes you spend speaking to them
- Getting them to admit its a sale call, not a promotional offer
- Speaking to the manager (+1 for every five minutes, as your tying up two lines!)
- Give the single most bizarre fact about the person your talking to
- Make a snakes on a plane referance in a natural way...

Swearing or raising your voice in a deliberately aggressive manner loses you a point each time.

My score is a hearty 12 - mainly due to a lack of snakes on a plane, and not getting him to admit it was a sales pitch despite numerous attempts. If anyone has any points thingies that should be added then they shall be added. In fact, I'm going to make this into a new club... with a guide entery and everything!

If nothing else think of it this way - by tying up that salesmen for even 5 minutes, you're saving someone else from being bothered. If we all did it, maybe they just wouldnt do this anymore and we could all have some piece in the world.


* - My mothers surname is Magee and is the only person living at this address. Unfortunately computers are stupid, so they inset a 'C' and then give my mother a random sex change.

** - I did the whole 'customer is always right' thing. It back fired, although did give me a good line to use when the conversation was veering off too much.