Journal Entries
The Crocodile
Posted Sep 26, 2003
The Crocodile
By Tom Barker
Fred was a bit of a wanderer, and it's often been said,
he's rather go a fishing, than lay at home in his bed.
He'd get his tackle ready, and chucked it all in the ute,
then with a nod and a whistle, off to the creek he'd shoot.
The water was quite cloudy, and the day was really hot,
and Fred was not the only one, who fished upon this spot.
Just across the muddy creek, and basking in the sun
a ruddy great salt water croc, and Fred had forgot his gun
Fred knew he was being watched, as into that muddy creek,
he slung his hook with a worm, his supper so to seek.
He watched to see the crocodile, as into the murk it slid,
so he took off leaving his line behind, and into his ute he hid.
The sun went down that evening, and it became quite dark,
Fred thought," I'm going to give up fishing, stuff this for a lark"
And glancing out of the window, he saw that toothy gape,
of that enormous saltwater crocodile, as it thwarted his escape.
Fred thought of all his past mistakes, and knelt in prayer to God,
"please forgive me all my sins, I know I've been a sod.
But God just wasn't listening, perhaps he'd gone fishing too,
so since he got no answer, Fred had to think of something new.
He could not go forward, or he would be in the creek,
sideways was out the question, because the ground there was too weak.
The only way was backwards, but the big croc lay in his path,
and now in his own perspiration, Fred was having a bath.
The moon and stars were shining, and to Fred there was the rub,
all his mates and his missus would be suppin' down at the pub.
"I wonder where is old Fred tonight, it's not like him to be late"
barkeeper's sigh, it's time he were nigh, he's got a pretty full slate.
Fred fell asleep in his utility, because he was all tuckered out,
but as he felt the truck lurch , he awoke with a yell and a shout.
"Rack off you ugly back stud I'm not your midnight snack",
but looking in the rear view mirror a view of the croc it did lack.
So starting up his engine, with a sigh it coughed and caught,
and Fred thought stuff the fishing line, another one can be bought.
So spinning wheels and flying mud, out of the mud he crawled,
when he got home and told his wife, she hugged him tight and bawled.
Years passed by and Fred got older, and in the hospital he met Tam,
and the tale of the salty croc came out, while sharing sandwiches of Spam.
Then orderlies came and with a heave, to the trolley they had him pinned
but just before they wheeled him off, Tam held up his hand and grinned.
"I wonder why in great letters, someone in white paint for a lark"
"has written so neat on the trolley, Property of Crocodile Park".
Poor old Fred turned quite pasty, and looked at Tam a little odd,
"shute" he said in a whisper, so this is how they get rid of a bodd".
The End
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Latest reply: Sep 26, 2003
Seductively, she reclined in front of me.
Posted Sep 26, 2003
Seductively, she reclined in front of me.
Now. you do not recline in the Purchasing and Procurement Department. You stay erect appearing alert and productive - even when you're dozing off.
This good looking young female didn't. She draped herself - languidly - and gazed steadily at me with large laser blue eyes.
I wouldn't have minded but she'd chosen the file disposal icon on the new TFT flat screen of my personal computer to recline upon. She seemed unconcerned that this was my office, my computer, my file bin and she was occupying it all completely uninvited. However, it was just 11 o'clock in the morning and the worst of the day's email horrors had been identified (and some even dealt with) and I was ready for a distraction.
"Hi!", she said. The words appeared in a bubble above her head with a cursor that blinked as if the remark was unfinished. After a suitable pause, I reluctantly acknowledged her through the keyboard.
"Who - or what - exactly are you?"
"I'm Livvy."
"Livvy?"
"Just Livvy," she replied, smiling brightly. Her long fingers playing with the silky folds of her ankle length dress. "It's short for 'Living Icon'!"
"What are you doing in my computer?"
"Anything you want really - look upon me as your little helper!"
She didn't look the part. My little helper was in the office next door. Originally brought in to supplement my small knowledge of computing, she was not little at all. Her daily routine seemed mainly to involve talking to her boyfriend on the telephone - until things got really busy - then she would go sick. This Livvy person didn't look like that sort of helper at all.
"Helping with what?"
"All the things that bug you really! For example, what about those time-consuming follow up emails that everybody sends you? Give me the details and just forget them. I'll keep them busy until you've got the problem sorted.
I looked at her disbelievingly. My list of excuses and reasons for not having what people wanted when they wanted them was extremely long and well crafted. It was not something that could be delegated except to a properly trained and qualified expert in Purchasing and Procurement - with years of experience of dealing with insurmountable delay, of course.
"Or if you want to find something? she purred. "Tell me - I loooove finding stuff." The words seemed to slip deliciously past lips that were uncomfortably large and alluring. However, I was rapidly concluding that she'd been programmed in the likeness of someone who was not only overendowed but also decidedly too optimistic for her own good. Probably the result of some machiavellian new management training scheme.
However, I did have one problem that was as yet unresolved. I had ordered some new stress reduction software. It had all the advantages of a week away 'bonding' with colleagues without the cost. The big selling point was that employees could fit the stress relief course into a spare lunch break. My annual bonus merit review was coming up. I needed to be able to show the savings. But, following delivery, it seemed to have sunk into a large dark hole without trace and I needed it - fast!
"Easy," she said, tossing her silky-blonde hair, nonchalently. "Frosty Nosedrop in Accounts who should only have received the Delivery Note also received the software. You want me to email him?"
The email message system sprang open before me, unpleasantly blinking in over urgent readiness.
"No!" I replied edgily, "I'll get it myself - It'll be a pleasure to put him in his place - if you're right!"
She was right. Nosedrop, a slightly built, nervous and mildly unassertive man claimed to me that he had been waiting months for Purchasing and Procurement to arrange him a stress relief course. And when the software had landed on his desk, he'd thought it was for him. Unfortunately, he had little knowledge, training or practical experience using computers and despite working long extra hours into the night he'd completely failed to make it work. The effort had left him shattered and even more disillusioned than before. Naturally, I made sure that my complaint considerably added to his distress and, by the time I left, he was visibly shaking.
Now I've never been one to hold a grudge and in consequence of his discomfort, when I got back to Purchasing and Procurement, I brought his case right to the top of my pile. The course I chose was brilliant. It was just right for him and met all his needs with an immediate start date. What a stroke! The course was to take place in a beautifully restful, if mountainous, terrain. By day, he and his fellow students (mostly from the military admittedly) would be living off the land survival training amongst rock strewn crags. At night, huddled in a small shared log cabin, they would sharpen their programming skills with an advanced course in UNIX. Invigorating, bonding, motivating and mentally toughening. He'd live again!
And then, when he got back, I reflected happily (if he got back), he'd be all primed up so that he'd be able to get stuck into the software stress package again. Sometimes days just go so well that life feels great!
So it was with an inner feeling of warmth and bonhomie that I dropped the order into the Director of Purchasing and Procurement and strolled, at an appropriately leisurely speed, off to lunch.
Later, when I returned to my office - my little blonde helper was gone. So was my desk and computer. The office was empty apart from a note pinned to the notice board from the Director of Purchasing and Procurement. It congratulated me for locating the lost software and:
"In view of your interest in computing and stress relief, I've put you on the same course as Nosedrop! See you next month - enjoy! Signed The Director."
I tried to get in to see him but his computerised diary noted in large letters that he was unavailable for the next few days ... and the source of the message ... LIVVY!
The End
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Latest reply: Sep 26, 2003
Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?
Posted Sep 26, 2003
Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?
So they have some place to put their feet.
Discuss this Journal entry [2]
Latest reply: Sep 26, 2003
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
Posted Sep 26, 2003
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Sep 26, 2003
wwe latest
Posted Sep 26, 2003
THE GOLDBERG ERA BEGINS
Sept. 22, 2003
The capacity crowd nearly blew the roof off the arena in Washington D.C. when the new World Heavyweight Champion, Goldberg, made his way to the ring. With the gold in hand, Goldberg was there to tell everybody to believe the hype. Before, Goldberg could get very much out, however, Eric Bischoff came down to personally congratulate the new champ. Bischoff then took credit for creating Goldberg. Needless to say, Goldberg didn't take to kindly to Bischoff's comments. The champ let the boss know he was upset by Spearing him to the ground.
The new World Heavyweight Champion didn't have long to celebrate his victory, as he was then slated to defend his title against Chris Jericho. To make matters worse, Eric Bischoff served as the special outside enforcer. With the numbers against him, Goldberg's chances of victory dwindled. But like a true champion, he fought back and defeated Y2J.
RAW cut in live to the red carpet of The Rock's new movie "The Rundown." An emotional Rock thanked his fans for making him the man that he is today.
At Unforgiven, Shane McMahon risked life and limb in an attempt to defeat Kane in their Last Man Standing Match. Unfortunately for Shane, the risks he took landed him in the hospital. RAW cameras caught Shane resting in his hospital bed. From there, he had a message for Kane. But before he could finish it, Kane appeared in Shane's hospital room. The Big Red Monster then tore an already weakened Shane McMahon to pieces.
Also on RAW, an upset Triple H told the fans that they need him more than he needs them in a rather cryptic message.
Match results:
Rob Van Dam def. Christian via DQ
Mark Henry def. Tommy Dreamer
Lita & Trish def. Molly & Gail Kim
Hurricane & Rosey def. Rene Dupree & Rob Conway
Evolution def. Garrison Cade, Mark Jindrak & Maven
Goldberg def. Chris Jericho
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Latest reply: Sep 26, 2003
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