h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A shadow envelops the horizon. A giant, walking castle is seen coming over the line of visibilty. Small objects flit about around it and larger ovals float silently beside it. Suddenly the first shots are seen. A burst of light, then a second and a third. Screams of terror are heard.

The TV blares, "Unknown assailant strikes h2g2! The Technicians' Commonroom building was the first of many buildings attacked! Now, we have a reporter on scene. Chip, what's going on?"

The screen flickers as the voice of Chip Ofablok resounds from the speakers, "It's horrible all I can say is gosh. THe building is now nothing but what seems to be a giant mink coat."

"What about the Technicians?" Asks the in studio reporter.

"Not sure casualty reports are still coming in. The castle seems to have turned its attention to the spy society headquarters. Oh my.........!"

"What is it?" Demands the studio announcer.

"The headquarters has just turned into a giant fur coat!"

THe reports continue through the night. Emergency sirens went off; people run from the fighters, blimps and the castle. Finally the morning sun breaches the eastern sky.

A TV flickers to life, "This just in the Random Quotes Guild headquarters have just been coated."

"That's right, Marsha," says a man, "Now to recap for those of you who luckily were not awaken by last night's commotion. Late last night unknown forces breached h2g2 territory. It's initial attack was against the Spy Society and the Technicians' Commonroom the first and only known defence for h2g2, but the surprise attack seems to have put them out of commission. This begs the question will nothing stop this onslaught?"

Suddenly a picture cuts in, "I am the Masked Ermine and I claim all this territory as mine! Nothing will stop me, nothing! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Suddenly, Sting theme music is heard reverberating through h2g2, culminating in a massive cliffhanger.

(People are running up and down the street in blind agony until suddenly one stops and points in curiosity.)

Man: A cliff-hanger? I may be an extra in this scene withj nothing more than a walk on bit as a runner but even I know there's got to be a full episode and then there's a cliff-hanger.

Woman: Oh yeah, folks. He's dead right. I feel cheated out of an episode.

Man: So unless this is a ludicrous concept by the management I'm not taking part.

Woman: I'm with you. It's moments like this that takes the food and fun out the mouths of people here. Are you with us?

People: Yeah!

Man: What do we want?

People: A full episode of plot, sub-plots, incidental music, character development, drama excitement followed by a cliff-hanger.

Woman: When do you want it?

People: Now!

Man: So until that time we all go on strike!

Woman: Yeah strike, that's the way forward! Strike! Strike!

People: Strike strike strike strike strike strike strike!

Narrator: The strike lasted for a long time, containing all the people you wouldn't necessarily find: A handful of Latex Clad Sparrows, A Kiwi called Clarence, the internet Gerbils etc etc. And as night fell the crowd swelled with an alarmingly large pile though as their strong courageous cries echoed into the night they were so pre-occupied with their noble crusade that the failed to notice an advancing foot....

Woman: Hey, hey shoosh, what's that up there?

Man: What? Oh look in the sky! Perhaps it's a sign?

Woman: No it looks like a foot to me.

People: Oh no oh no Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh SPLAT!

Narrator: For the sake of the viewersstill watching an 18 certificate moment in the first Mike Mills story ever, the stain was pressed far into the street but for the masked villain it was only the beginning.

Masked Ermine: Bwahahahahahahaha!

Minion: Order sir?

Masked Ermine: I did say Bwahahahahahahaha or weren't you listening to me?

Minion: But you said we shouldn't laugh, it's not in our contracts or anything.

Masked Ermine: Just laugh at the chaos I am creating.

Minion: Um, Okay. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Masked Ermine: That's far too much from you!

(He casually shoots the minion.)

Minion: Hey, what was that for?

Masked Ermine: For upstaging me and besides you're just in the scene to show how evilly cruel I really am. You're just an extra, you're expendable!

Minion: But you told me to laugh? My name's Bill I'm twenty-seven, I have degree in theoretical studies and I was supposed to go on a super-model's bed at the age of ninety-seven.

Masked Ermine: Well now you're going to die here, so I order you to die!

Minion: Yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir.... uuuhhh!

Masked Ermine: Behold my carnage! Nothing can stop me know!

(There is a muffled cough from behind him and turning he spies Tempus standing not too far away.)

Tempus: So you're new kid on the block, Not much room for development and besides this place is taken.

Masked Ermine: And who are you? Some cliched dressed in black sneering villain?

Tempus: For the record this suit is dark blue and no I'm not cliched, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tempus Corruptus, heir to the Tempus Organisation of Professional Intelligence Counter-attacks also known as TOPIC and you're on my patch!

Masked Ermine: You're a hasbeen just like Lord Ike and Stefan Fjord.

Tempus: No they are the only fools in the villain hall; myself, Lady Marion, Absoluta Rubbish, Llance Byouliss are very near near the top, well I am actually. And you come across no less than a rank amateur no, more of a novice!

Masked Ermine: How dare you! I've invaded h2g2.

Tempus: Snap, so did I and Lady Marion, Llance Byouliss, Lord Ike, Stainless Steel Rat, Stefan Fjord etc etc. Also I was the genius behind the Board Wars and ABD. I do hope you know ABD is since you're using a lot of it?

Masked Ermine: Of course I do it means.... um A Big Doom thingy?

Tempus: Absolute Board Destruction, a chemical explosive capable of blasting a hole through the boards as we know it and you're turning h2g2 into Swiss cheese.

Masked Ermine: Tell it to someone who cares!

Tempus: Fine so it's just me and the whole of Switzerland against you!

Masked Ermine: Oh just get out of my way you're cramping my style!

(He pulled a lever and a trapdoor oppens beneath Tempus.)

Tempus: Amateur! This isn't over yet!

(He falls back into the darkness as Masked Ermine laughs out loud for no particularly reason.)

Masked Ermine: Muhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

As the masked nare-do-well laughes there is a poof of smoke and a man dressed in a Pertwee cloak and dark purple velveteen shirt.

Masked Ermine: Your like cockroaches! You're every where.

Cloaked person: Is this all you've got, a fleet of air ships and a walking castle? Amatuer if I ever did seen one!

Masked Ermine: Why, why is this so amatuerish? I'm not losing, not being thwarted, and not even getting resistance, so what's this big problem?! Who are you anyways?

Cloaked Figure: I'm Emperor Martin, and the reason is that you have no plan you're just going willy-nilly across the board blowing things up, not to mention the total lack of ingenuity, any fool can go and blow things up it takes a real villain to formulate a clear cut plan to subvert things!

Masked Ermine: PAh! No, wait! You may be right, how would you like to teach me?

Emperor MArtin: (taken off guard) well, umm, I suppose, what do want to start out with?

Masked Ermine: Let's start with the legendary Millsmanor.

Emperor Martin: Down the street, the one with the cane's over the door.

MAsked Ermine: Target, that building and fire!

Emperor MArtin: (Watches in horror as the Millsmanor turns into a mink coat) Y-you can't do that!

MAsked Ermine: Strange I just did. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Emperor MArtin: All that work, all those monthes of preparation of vendetta wiped out in a few seconds and by a newbie! (starts to cry)

Masked Ermine: Oh, grow up! You shouldn't have pussy footed around the issue, if you'd of been direct you could've done this at the beginning!

Emperor MArtin: That's not how things work around here, you have to set plans into motion and then watch as they set things into motion and slowly reach their conclusion!

MAsked Ermine: THat all good and well, but your way fails and mine works!

The MAsked Ermine pushes a button on his captains' chair and a large glass globe entraps Emperor MArtin.

Dah dah dah!!!!!!

Cliffahanger!

Narrator: Wait a moment! You can't order a cliff-hanger yet, we haven't even been given a decent plot, where are the heroes? Come on, two regular villains and people being trampled on hardly stands for an episode!

Masked Ermine: He is right and I hate being corrected! Minion charge the correction beam! Minion? What are you doing down there coughing up blood for? Come on, getup! Don't you dare roll your eyes at me I'm not that way inclined...

Minion (Weakly): But sir you...?

(BANG!)

Masked Ermine: That will teach you to mock my word and I'll have to correctionalise the narrator myself!

Narrator: Oh no you don't because I can quickly change the scene!
It was a warm night for Sir Lance as he sat in his Donald Duck slippers and brightly striped pyjamas as he read the paper.

Sir Lance: Ah, peace at last, now to go and get my milk before I go to sleepy bo bo's and after that I'll go to bed.

Narrator: As Lance looked around him he realised something.

Sir Lance (Interrupting): Hey something's wrong but I wonder what?

Narrator: That's because you didn't allow me to finish.

Sir Lance: But you had a full stop at the end and everything, didn't you go to school like me?

Narrator: No Sir Lance I went to a proper school and besides it was a dramatic pause.

Sir Lance: Well you should have said something?

Narrator: He looked around him and noticed that something was wrong...(Better?)

Sir Lance: Yes thanks, much better.

Narrator: Sir Lance was not in his house and Lord Mike was no where to seen!

Sir Lance: Oh no, I appear to be in the wrong house but how did that happen, I came home crossing the river climbed up the first tree on my right and down into the river drowned until Nibbles saved me dragged myself across the road and into this house. It must be my house otherwise why would I be here?

Lance's Brain: Oh God he's started using logic. Everyone hit the dirt he's started to rationalise things!

Sir Lance: It's true so Lord Mike is missing rather than being in his house across the way. There I'm right!

Lance's Brain: Well done, the cleverest thing you've ever said and no one heard you.

Sir Lance: I heard me. Does that count?

Lance's Brain: What do you think? No, wait don't you dare!

Sir Lance: Um I think I'll go out and see if I'm in the wrong house or not?

Lance's Brain: But you're hardly dressed for it!

Sir Lance: Ah yes thanks for reminding me.

(Sir Lance grabs a Deer Stalker crossing the room but the the hunter clips him around the ear so he quickly pops on a power who kicks him down before popping on a cap and off he goes into the biting wind!)

LAnce quickly rushes outside after being assaulted. It's cold and windy.

Lance: Hmm, that's abit odd h2g2 is usually a nice, warm, fuzzy place.....

Lance's brain: You're getting very observant

LAnce: I know, scary isn't it?

LAnce's brain: Very.

Lance: I think we'd best get Lord Mike; he's better at this clever thing than I am!

LAnce rushes off into the forest.

Int. Forest

Lance is trundling very quickly when suddenly a giant furry thing jumps out in front of him.

LAnce: Was it a lynx?

Narrator: What? No, let me tell...

Lacne: It wasn't that Exmoor creature was it?

Narrator: (angry) NO it wasn't now just.....

Lance: Well, those are the only things I can think of that could suddenly jump out of the forest!

Narrator: FOr crying out loud!

LAnce's brain: (Laughing) Welcome to my world narrator!

NArrator: It was a wolf you twit!

Lance: Great googily moogily!

Wolf: And I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!

Lance: The hunter's house is down the road.

Wolf: Thanks!

Lance: No problem!

After that little jaunt down fairy tale lane Lance continues on his way to the Millsmanor.