h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi there!

I've just read your page with interest. It ails me to find that mushrooms are low on your list of favourite foodstuffs, as I now feel I have little to offer you in the way of fungi. The only recourse I have is to invite you to share my Athlete's Foot next time I have an attack, but I fear that not only will that be sometime in Summer 2004, but it would also make a very unsatisfactory meal.

So, I am left thinking, what else could I be said to have in common with you. I read that you have sometime given birth to a kitten called Pud. Also, I have given birth to a kitten called Pud, only I chose to do so via the means of a willing donorcat deep in the Vale of Glamorgan. Suffice to say, it went well, and the forceps were only used as a means of incentive.

Further to this, I see you're a homo, a writer, fond of Virginia and her woolf and several other points of interest which may be of interest to a very many, but not all at once.

Oh, and you're a miner. Hmmm.

I can only deduce that we must be the same person, and that I suffer from a bizarre disorder, in which although I have two personalities, they are the same. Welcome to my world, little fish.

Fatty



The above was composed without recourse to dictionaries, thesauri or associted paper products. All rights reserved for a period of twenty-eight days upon receipt of a valid ninth class stamped depressed envelope and deposit of money, goods and/or services totaling not less than £73.50. Euros will be accepted, as will any currency suficiently colourful to provide an interior decorating orgy. Should you wish to contact us, please call any old number, as we are not accesable by phone. Have a rice day.

And might I add, though praps I say it as shouldn't, but you do have an extraordinarily nice bum.

Fatty

Look what I did with my name!!!!! Do you like, or should I alter myself? Give me assistance, woman, haven't you embarrased me enough?

Oh no, don't change a word, I love it! I wish I could think of a good tag, but I'm no good at that sort of thing.

Wanna tag me?

Well, what are you looking for? Something matching? Something different? What impression do you want to give, and you are fine at that sort of thing. Honestly, comes to something when you're looking for a boost.

Have a larf, baby. It's autumntimne after all.

Fatty

something that's really really ME!

You know me so much better than I know myself. I am but a pale breakfast fisk basking in your reflected glory.

Since I'm two years older I claim the right to be the senior personality. or possibly signior.

I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking about.


PLEASE don't read what I'm posting as I'm writing it. It spoils the fun for all of us, or at least for me. And I think I should be taken into consideration.

And the reason that I don't know what you're talking about is that you seem to be coming out of thin air, and I don't know if you're refering to a previous post, a three second conversation we had last Michalmas. Please clarify, or I'll have to ????????????????????????? and you don't want me to do that.

Fatty

Aren't I supposed to be the one with a 3 second memory.

You were speculating: 'I can only deduce that we must be the same person, and that I suffer from a bizarre disorder, in which although I have two personalities, they are the same'

I repeat, I AM the older and rightfully dominant personality. And I'll thank you not to slander my good name.

Oooohh, I see.

Prove you're worthy, and I'll think about it.

What priviledges go with being the dominant personality? Is it so you can crush me?

Fatty

There are, I fear, more responsibilities than priviledges. I have to look after you, a thankless task, and always talk to strangers for you.

Really I don't know why I even want to be in charge.

It occurs to me that everyone who reads this will be terribly confused, and probably half convinced that we really are one person with less than one person's sanity.

You dooooo do make me laugh. Just because I don't make a noise, or indeed any outward signal of mirth, does not mean that the funny button has not been pushed. Especially when I am engaged in personal activities, like reading. How very often do you hear me laugh, even when reading excruciatingly funny things. Murder on is a litle different due to our crony's needs, if you like. He's another who doesn't understand the internal nature of my combustion engine. Do not take this unresposivness to be a sign of unamusedness. It is not. It is just how I work. And anyway, wouldn't do to have a mad fit, and burn off those precious calories. Every wriggle in point three calories, remember. Now get me several dozen s and a .


Oh, and a housecoat.

Fatty

My next post will deal with your previous post, so hold your Morses.

Any terribly confused people will live. You don't always have to talk to strangers, and anyway, who has a strange reluctance to answer the phone? You do. And you don't always look after me. It does go both ways. but if you want to be in charge, my love, then you be in charge.

You make me sound like no fun, and not in any way the bargain of a girlfriend I really am.

Want to do anything particualr this evening?

Fatty

My reluctance to answer the phone is not in any way strange. When it rings before the sun is over the yard arm it is NEVER for me. It's usually your spawner, as you note in your PS. So there.

What to do tonight? I was going to do dinner: wedges, gammon for me and our dear husband, bacon for you and assorted veg for all. You get to do the growing mound of dishes. Then we can kick back, watch tv and be as dissipated as you like.

Sounds good, and I wasn't refering to any specific incidents of phone, nor those when I am sitting right next to it. In those circumstances, of course I should answer it. However, should it ring and I not be in the vicinity, you tend not to answer it. And who knows who's on the blower in those instances. Could be an official someone, could be YOUR godamn spawner. Was last night, and I had not been there, and all of us in a different room, you'd not have leapt up to get it. In fact, I was at my toilet not so very many days ago, and you were at a disposable task, at least. The phone rang and rang and rang and rang and rang, a very long time you can see, before it was answered. I think you did answer it, not John. But here is an example of you not answering the phone immediately, almost not at all. Many would've hung up, were it not my family with news.

Anyway, ignore the slightly frantic rant, but absorb the gist. Hah! I outexample you!!!!!!

Yes, I'd like to do all thse things. I'll start the dishes while you cook, as long as you promise not to sully my area. Then tv sounds nice, but I'd like to not have to watch substandard tv or a film. Can we try to perhaps take it over for this evening. I'd like a little more fulfilling viewing.

Fatty

Oooh, get you. Miss moanalot we shall call you.

And to think I gave you some of my drink and bought 10p worth of affection from you.

You did buy it. You wanted to know what you could get for 10p, and I offered you some water or a cigarette as well. You chose lots of lovin' from your list.

I likes you

Fatty