h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Cheers Webbie

- atm my PC is still...mucking about. Its OK for surfing, but it doesn't like MSN one bit - I glimpse my e mails, but it cuts out half way thru any new mails I try to send. Very frustrating indeed.

Soon as Tom's new PC arrives and it gets plumbed in I shall certainly be in touch off lineI've a feeling you and I may have a lot more in common than we first realised. It would be good to talk.

I'll in in for some time tomorrow (I hope. Sometimes I can only "see" the site, the PC Blits off as soon as I try to sign in) but probably won't be sentient until Wednesday at the earliest. Out patients tomorrow, and then Day Surgery Tuesday. I doubt anything major will occur with Mother for a while yet.

It's an odd feeling, this not feeling alone any more; I find it hard to accept and believe all the support I've been given, both here, and off screen, despite the fact I know it's sincere. The most unlikely of people have been in touch by phone, or here (not so unlikely,"here", I know, - but you know what I mean!)or by text or in person to say much the same thing to me: Keep going; you're doing alright.

I'm not ungrateful - just surprised and touched. And I have a feeling that this time the goal posts *won't be moved as I'm used to them being. It'll be so nice to have a familly I can relax with "now" rather than wait for the lads to settle down and have their own that I know in the fullness of time they'll ask me to share.

today and tomorrow. Hope all goes well.

Websailor

What a great post to read, Ev I'm so glad that things are taking shape and that you have been able to be a positive influence on your mother's life; albeit behind the scenes.

Do you think your confidence will increase as a result of this? It seems to me a real boost to your self-belief should be the least of the benefits of tackling your fears head on. Good for you


Fb

>>Do you think your confidence will increase as a result of this? It seems to me a real boost to your self-belief should be the least of the benefits of tackling your fears head on<<

I had to laugh when I read that Fb! All my life, it seems to me, I've been tackling my fears head on, from learning not to vomit with fear or allow my parents to see me cry when they bullied me and presenting a silent defiance to ensure they couldn't tell *when they'd hurt me either..

all the way thru to in my twenties tentively admitting I probably *did need to attempt an assertion class to learn how to speak to people. Up until then I had 2 modes - aggression and sarcasm OR mumbling doormattedness; very little inbetween. I certainly wouldn't show anything about me that was soft or gentle ...or vulnerable.

Though oddly enough I wrote some cracking poetry in my teens. Writing was the only way I *could express myself, and then only at school and in very carefully hidden diaries.

The list goes on and on, as I've worked on Myself, with Therapy, Councelling and ultimately an amazing course of Hypnotherapy, over the years.

What's fooled most people was that I always presented a very confident Front - more Front than Harrods, as a friend remarked. I've invariably appeared calm, capeable and in control of my life to Outsiders. My friends know differently. They *know I'm soft as grease really and loathe fights and confrontations and under that great hard shell I present I'm pretty gooey.

I've just stood tall, stared hard, and bluffed most of the time in pre-emptive self defense. And as I got older - especailly once I'd left home at 17, and mixed a bit more with People generally I watched how the ones I approved of behaved and copied the skills they had that I felt I needed.

I'm still struggling with this concept of boosting my self belief though; I've just done what was needed despite the fact I was frightened to do it to begin with. I knew I *could do it, but I wasn't sure *when I'd gather up courage or indeed *how to go about it. Once I'd found out those things I didn't have any excuses left not to act.

Isn't this just normal behaviour for everyone?

Oh, I recognise the sarcasm and aggression. Bite before you are bitten, hit out (verbally) before you are hurt. When that eventually went, in my mid forties, I found that most of the time people were actually quite nice, but bullying leaves its mark doesn't it?

I think you have made a lot of progress since we first talked. Keep it up. You will get there.

Websailor

I really hope I do Webbie - I've been working on myself for longer than I can remember - and I *know I've miles to go yet.

But it's fun getting there, on the whole.

And you're right, people generally *are nice.

Apart from the few who arn't!