h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...or are there son temporal disturbances a foot? Like I was reading this history book and I had the vaguest feeling that Boothe wasn't supposed to shoot into thin air. It's just a feeling.

Well I do vaguely remember seeing a Volcano beside Big Ben but every time I try to focus on the memory my mind hurts and in between these flinches of pain I swear that Could see a world of darkness around me and the next I was just walking down the rubble strewn streets on my way to fish down by the tar pits for scraps since the Dinosaurs are so thick they can't see the puddle.

You're right, there is something wrong with time! And we haven't seen nor heard of Lance or Mike today, something tells me that some deranged genius with a timescope is affecting all of history!

Or is that the plot from that dramatic reconstruction of how we suddenly live in a half modern/ half prehistoric age?

If your referring to Improbable plan: 100, then no, we never purged the time lines beyond a year ago.

It's getting worse! The cult of Demros keep talking about an idiot PM! I just don't get it!

Look it's quite simple Super or it's worse then that a freak drilling platform has struck green oil that rains down on the population turning them into brutal killers, remember; the military got their hands on it to create the ultimate soldiers.

A group of shape-shifting bulbous extra-terresetrials are reconstructing the Phillipines, tomorrow is the celebration of our triumph over Culloden which will be celebrated by his great, great, great, great Grandson King Pike in a day of plunder on the high seas for all.

They found some evil, xenophobic metal clad creatures on the Marie Celeste and first contact failed miserably when we were invaded by a force of scaly monsters from Mars in winter!

It's that simple, now if you'll excuse me I've just received word through the mail that I must attend selection for robotising to serve our glorious masters of the Earth.

Now, do you understand?

Holy Mary Celeste we're being invaded by gigantic talking toasters, or the more reasonable but less humorous, Holy Mondas; we're being controlled by the cybermen!

Or maybe it's those ferrets from the year 25000. The Galeks, no too much garnish on tv as it is! I can't believe it! Is there no hide out; no resistance? Is Lindburgh scheduled to fly or is Ethel in the shadows!? Is it real time or turn based I 've lost track can't remember, losing temporal continuity, time lords, time cops, thyme machines, DeLoreans, Professor Brown!


Twirling and whirling I certainly feel like hurling it's getting worse! Hey some took that woman's purse! I talking in rhyme and all common sense is worse less than a dime!....................

(Suddenly an old man appears before Super Bufanda and grasps his lapels proudly.)

The Doctor: It's quite simple young man, time and space have been pulled inside out by a twisted meddler with an eye for crime. I blieve that I... destroyed the Dalek Invasion of Earth, yes yes that's right. I also met Marco Polo, stopped that mad computer in the Post Office Tower and unmasked Koquilion, halted Tegana and scattered the many keys of Marinus. This peril can be stopped but only if you want it to be stopped... hmm, so what's it going to be then?

(Super Bufanda looks confused again as he stands in the swirling madness around him.)

Super Bufanda: But you can't be here? You died at the South Pole.

The Doctor: Hmm yes that may well be... yes true. But I am here now my boy and without me you could be in serious trouble, yes trouble!

(He beckons to a shabby battered looking blue police box standing not too far away and as Super Bufanda glances around him he sees Daleks gliding the streets of the Cities of the world: Tokyo, Los Angeles, Moscow, London, Paris.
Mondas now mechanised and standing in Orbit of Earth, while zombified robo/ Cybermen stalk the streets around him.)

The Doctor: Are you coming my boy? The ship will not hang around forever!

Super Bufanda: Yeah, sure Doctor I'm coming.

(Hurriedly he tears over to the box and hurries in as the wheezing starts, the blue box vanishes out of the chaos just as a patrol of Cyber/ Robomen appear!)

Super Bufanda: Oh, it's one of these.

He walks around the TARDIS consul room

Doctor: One of these?

Super Bufanda: That's what I said. You know whose done this, don't you?

Doctor: Hmmm, aahhh, yes. He calls himself Tempus I believe. Used to be Master wasn't he?

Super Bufanda: Err, right.

Doctor: Well, we haven't much time. THe temporal disjunction is disjoining from the rest of universe!

Super Bufanda: I don't understand why he's doing this!

Doctor: Of course not! I think he is disrupting time by allowing every force of Nere duelity to gain victory over my attempts to stop them!

Super Bufanda: Oh, dear.

Doctor: What?

Super Bufanda: (watches as the Doctor fizzles twice now three times. A young lady is with him) What about...

Doctor: (tall man with a Edwardian jacket and scarf with wide brimmed hat) Quite. Hmm, that's odd that I'd say that for no reason... Hello.

Super Bufanda: Hi, more imporantly...

Doctor: I know Tempus has already done it!

(the young lady fades from existence)

Doctor: Ah, bye Sarah.

Super Bufanda: Well..

Doctor: Earth's in cinders, Mars too, it's spreading and to think he's just stretching his legs, Europa, Titan, Alpha Centauri.

Super Bufanda: Gallifrey?

Doctor: They don't have a chance!

He hits a button.

THe view fades as the TARDIS enters the time vortex.

Ext. MArs early seventeenth century.

The TARDIS lands.

Doctor: THe only chance is to pull the pyramid up in tow!

Super Bufanda: Couldn't we..

Doctor: Just ask the Ice Warriors, no, they won't listen to me!

Super Bufanda: Oh.

THe TARDIS dematerialises with the pyramid.

Doctor: Now we need to find a suitable singularity.

HE smiles.

Doctor: Obviously.

Super Bufanda watches as the dials all slide to zero.

Super Bufanda: I thought event one was pretty crowded, with yourself and Terminus and what not.


Doctor: Physics, and Temporality break down at event one, everyone is existing in different time frames of the same instance, or something like that!

Super Bufanda: Quite.