h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi Little Bear,
I read both Chapters and I'm impressed. Some very small points though re the mechanics of it - first para of Chapter 1 repeats words such as 'water' and 'ship' which could be recrafted. The diologue bet John & Gavin should (in my limited experience of writing) be seperated, occupying different lines. A number of typos stand out especially the question marks that are probably intended as speech marks etc (particularly Chapter 2). There, thats the bad bits... the good bits eclipse the bad by far.

The story flows well. You clearly have a good grasp of writing and have a nice literary style. I liked the decandence of the city (post nuclear war or natural catastrope?) forcing its survivors to return to nature and farming (not that the two are compatible). You show much sensitivity too towards the John and Gavin relationship and the suggestion of loneliness and a search for a better life (it seemed to me). In short Little Bear, I thought this was good stuff and I look forward to the next chapter!

On a seperate note: I medically retired after 19 years (Met) injury on duty and after a long slog at Uni. I've just got a degree - God knows what I'm going to do with now though. Currently in limbo. Where are you?
Regards
Fox

Hi Fox,
Thanks for the critique much appreciated. I understand what you meant about the conversation, still trying to work out the best of doing it. I hadn't thought of your suggestion (and it makes sense) so I'll try it when I start to revise.

I thought I'd gotten rid of all those pesky question marks. It happens when I convert from Microsoft Word to the website. I like the idea of exploring an environment that is known to us but in an imaginary (well somewhat) future. I have written some background material and history about what happened in the world, and use that as the framework for my story. You could say it a a combination of a number of factors, more realistic in my opinion than just global warming or nuclear war (and thats been done to many times already). I'm glad that you picked up on the search for a better life, as that is an underlying plot of the story. Thanks for the encouragement, your feedback encourages me to keep on writing

Likewise on a seperate note, I'm a police officer in N.S.W, Australia. I've only been in for a few years, but we are a fairly junior force overall. I do a combination of general duties and domestic violence work. Makes for an interesting variety of work but it keeps life interesting. It's always good to meet other people who are in the job. We have a bloke at work who transferred from the Met but I forget where he was stationed (All I remember is that they had big race riots there in the 70's, we studied it at the Academy

Regards,
Little Bear

Went to Perth (have relations there) around 1980, but not N.S.W. Yep, I'm familiar with the riots during the seventies. It's always interesting to 'meet' job colleagues although most of my aquaintences have dwindled over the years, still keep in touch with the odd one or two. I was general duties too, much of the time - then an AFO protecting various bods. Bit reluctant to 'talk' too much on a public site though. Nice to meet you. Keep in touch.
Fox

New submission 'Night of Icarus' may be of interest.