Journal Entries
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Posted Apr 28, 2003
just posting this to see if it brings my old journal entries back on to my page.
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Latest reply: Apr 28, 2003
sat/29 mar/03
Posted Mar 29, 2003
i've come to the conclusion lately that somebody outhere for some unknowen reason has decided to curse me 
as just when i thought things could'nt get any worse they 
ing have! 
god why me! i mean what have i done that's so wrong that i constantly feel like i'm being punished for something as that's the way i'm feeling at the moment,due to the fact that i'm having major money problems i was forced to give up smoking which is my only pleasure in life as i don't go out and i have'nt seen any of my best off line m8's in months coz i'm always stuck in and as of wednesday i have'nt had a cig and it's killing me not only is it killing me but i've also turned into the 
s daughter due to the major moods swings i'm getting with the nicotine withdrawal and i've never ed so much.
also over the last 3 days my illness had gone into major hyper drive and i've been in total agony so at the moment i'm not a nice person to be around 
during those long 3 sleepless days i've been doing alot of thinking aswell and i've come to the conclusion that i'm really lonely,i know i have family and friends that are there to turn to if i need them but i'm still lonely as i don't have anyone special in my life and i've never had that even though i've though i may have found them i never really had and that is a sad thing to realise as i'm 32 now and never knowen the love of a boyfriend and i doubt i ever will now.
well time to go again now as can feel another bout of ing coming on
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Latest reply: Mar 29, 2003
life sucks at the moment
Posted Mar 25, 2003
yesterday was not a good day for me,actually in all honesty the last few weeks and days have'nt been good and god i feel so low and 
and all i seem to be doing is ing all the time .....i knew this day would come one day were i just could'nt hold it together anymore and i can feel the cracks in my mentality beging to show.
do you ever sometimes wish you had never been born?....well i do and god forgive me for saying that as life is a precious gift that we are all given but i just want out of mine now as had enough. ....after reading that bit you might be wondering why i've said that and i have my reason....there's many factors as to why i feel like this as nearly lost my mum to breast cancer 5 years ago and then last year i nearly lost might dad to a bad stroke,thankfully their both still here as without them i'd be lost but the fear is always still there....i know one day i will lose them both and that will be the day my life ends for good as without them i'm nothing.
for many years years now i've always put on a brave face an a 
but inside i'm dying and each day i become more and more tired of this world so much so that i pray for death but saldy my prayers are never answered and i have to go on in a world that i don't belong or fit into and because i'm not beautiful and slim i'm deemed to be unworthy of love and respect which is so wrong as i have a heart that's full of love for the right person but no one takes the time to look at the person i am inside.
another factor in the way i'm feeling is because i've been having such a bad time of it lately with my illness which is something called hydranitis,i've had it for many years now and over the years it has gotten worse as i'm no longer able to work because of this as it can leave me unable to walk or move my arms and neck at times and it's also extremely painful and very unsightly as i have it all over my body ly,they don't know how i've got it as it's a form of bug that attacks the sweat glands in the human body which causes the glands to become bloked and infected (and no it does'nt mean that i don't wash before you think it 
) there's no cure for this illness so basically it's soemthing i will have to cope with for the rest of my life
anyway i'll end this journal entry for now as i can feel the tears starting to well up again and i've more tears in my lifetime than anyone my age should have to.
Discuss this Journal entry [15]
Latest reply: Mar 25, 2003
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