h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Duke,

I was most distressed to think that my virtual eating of the fresh oyster caused you to tremble. I write to assure you that I have no wish to upset you - or myself for that matter - so I've but the blighters back in the deep blue yonder. I am sure they suffered not one bit as I threw them over the cliff - it's a sheer drop of a few hundred feet, but so long as they avoided the rocks surrounding the rock pools, I am sure they will be happily doing whatever it is that newly reprieved oysters do.

Yours, the Chelsea Scarletness

My dear Duke,

I got your reply too late! Fear not - I shall scramble down said cliffs in the dark with not a thought for my own safety and find the little darlings - sprinkle them with condiments and....BITE!

I am uncertain as to whether I know your Fenella. If she's on the game - very probably. I wonder if she is one of my own 'girls'. D'you know my establishment, The Quiet Night Inn? An unusual house run by myself and a Yak or two.

Dear Lady,

Please let me apologise for not replying to your missive sooner than this. Regrettably, there are times when I am so pickled that I can barely raise my head from the carpet, never mind log in to this execrable website.

I think I should make it quite clear that when I mentioned your being "on the game", I should of course have said "EATING game". God forbid that you or anyone else should have put a more vulgar interpretation upon my clumsy ejaculation.

My dear neice Fenella Sodleigh-ffrench is an infrequent visitor to the "Questions, Questions" board. She is currently a pupil at St. Comminatus' Academy for Vacant Blondes, but seems (to my mind at least) to spend much of her time amongst the fleshpots and nancy-boys of the Chelsea Road. In my brief moments of sobriety, I do find myself worrying about her future rather. I shall encourage her to call in upon you - perhaps the influence of well-educated totty such as your good self will aid her in her half-hearted attempts to reform.

I am rarely in the Town, and must confess I have never visited the Quiet Night Inn. The furthest I usually get is The Splintered Truncheon in Lower Eastpolstead. Could you send me some directions ?

Oysters are a particular favourite of mine. I love to slurp the little rascals. Have you sampled any of our products ? If not, I shall send you some; the Mole-nose Farcie is particularly lip-smacking this season. Yaks I am unfamiliar with. Large hairy smelly things, no ? Do they make good eating ?

Must run, but hope to hear from you soon. I remain

Your Faithful Servant,

Perry.

Dear Duke,

Please don't concern yourself about the little misunderstanding as to the 'game' I'm in. Eating I do well, for pleasure. The other is business. My establishment is very select - indeed it only opens a few times a year on the MC-H board. The Yak get's pretty fed up with all the mess and, of late, a little concerned that so many posters seem to have an eye on his hide for a BBQ. He would not make good eating - though he is very well hung.

I too must run,

Yours, Scarlet