h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oh that's nice, a demonstration. Cars tooting, students holding banners, Oh yes I like this. Will I sign the petition? Um…should a grown up who is going to be a teacher sign petitions I wonder? And wear a sticker? Well I suppose it is pink and it would look rather nice against my black jumper. Allright so it's not Prada. Students don't do Prada, trust me I know; even black and stylish is borderline. Thank goodness Emily lent me her Peruvian coat of many colours. It may be a little loud but it screams 'student'. The gorgeous George, our tutor has already laid claim to it.

Half eight, oh good I've got time to go to the Ref. Rather an odd name for a restaurant I think, 'The Ref.' but it does do a very nice line in mocha cappuccino, or is that choco express? I really can't see which button I'm pressing at this hour. Did I really stay up 'til half past two? And sober? Thank goodness for preparation H at least the damage is minimised.

Brrrrrrrrr Brrrrrrrrrrr

'Morning Patrick'.

'Where are you? I've been calling on your land line for ages.''

' Excuse me Patrick, I am a student now. Students have to go to college and do student things, I'm not quite sure what they are but I'm working on it.'

'Did you do your homework?'

'Of course I did my b****y homework! I was up till two b****y thirty doing my homework.'

'Just checking, there's no need to be rude. What's the matter?'

'Nothings the matter. Everything is fine. There's a demonstration going on and it's proper student land.'

'You've got teaching practice today haven't you?'

'Shut up!'

'Uh uh that's why you're in a funny mood. Catch you later byeee.'

It's only teaching practice, practice, remember? It can't be that bad.

***********************************************************************************************



'How did it go? Oh my g*d you're eyes are all red you've been crying. You look appalling! Tears don't suit you!'

'Patrick I was dreadful!'

'Don't be silly you can't have been dreadful, you don't do dreadful, you don't even do average.'

'Trust me sh*t doesn't come in a larger size; I was pants!'

'Shall we go to the pub? We could? But you mustn't tell anyone or I'm dead! I promised Angela and Baleesha that I would let you study and I wouldn't annoy you for four weeks.'

'I can't go to the pub. I've got an assignment to finish and teaching practice to prepare for tomorrow and as for the b****y grammar what the hell is a modal auxiliary when it's at home and quite frankly has it got any friends at all? S*d it let's go to the pub!'

****************************************************************************************************

Brrrrrrrr Brrrrrrr

Ohhhhh my head hurts!

Brrrrrrrr Brrrrrrr

Where's the phone?

Brrrrrrrr Brrrrrrr

What time is it? Six thirty!

Brrrrrrrr Brrrrrrr

Dear god I only crawled into bed at four.

'Hello? Oh Hello Malcolm how's Cambodia? …Well I told you, you wouldn't like it, you are so not a backpacker…I know you're not backpacking but I suspect Five star Cambodian hotels lose a little in the translation, hang on I've got to find the Berocca…No I did not get rat arsed! I went for a drink with Patrick and Chloe; two glasses of wine that was it, but I've been up all night studying…what's the weather like?'

Derr! It's hot you stupid cow what else would it be?

'Anything I'd like? Where from? Do they have shops in Cambodia? Oh you're off to Thailand today are you? A watch would be cool, I need one for teaching practice…Yes I know I hate watches…Yes I know I can tell the time by the sun but that's not going to be a lot of use when I'm stuck in the b****y Rainforest! Speak to Amanda? Oh OK, I'll just put the kettle on. Hi Amanda… Well that's just terrific. I can't tell you how thrilled I am that you are tanned to perfection and totally rested…What? Oh the watch. I don't care what make it is…Don't be daft I can't afford a Rolex! …..…No, not even a copy, I can't even afford a box of matches! Just a watch that goes and is big enough for me to see…Oh Ha b****y Ha, Big Ben, very droll. Allright, yes it would be nice if it went with black. Listen I have to go or I'll be late for college. No it's fine, piece of cake, I'll speak to you both tomorrow, bye.'

Where's the tea? Where are the mugs? What's all that paper doing everywhere? The kitchen is a disaster zone. When did the children come back? Oh my god they didn't! This is all me. I don't do mess, I do tidy, I do show house and white cushions, I'm going to cry. Don't be silly you're going to have a cup of tea. That's what you do in emergencies 'have a cup of tea'. Milk? Fridge? No… On top of the cooker. Of course, silly me, where else would it be?

It's off! It's worse than off, it's Camembert! Oh dear god I really am a student!

You'll be eating cold baked beans straight from the can next

What do you mean 'next'?
take care
boots

Oh dear, now that won't make a good cup of tea. Not left the milk on the cooker before but I did once absent mindedly put the kettle in the fridge.

Iced tea? Sounds good to me! Really do have to go to bed now. Have a mountain to climb tomorrow and need to start at 5! Bizzarely teaching practice the day after the pub outing was the best one yet. Somehow I don't think it should become habit forming or a blue print but it took the lid off the pressure cooker!
take care all
boots

Hi boots! I hope the TP is going well? I'm afraid the late nights are part of the job at least at the start.

I've often thought that what h2g2 needs is a virtual staff room. There are lots of teachers of all varieties here. Of course it would have to have pigeonholes with junk in, lots of unmatching mugs in a kitchen corner, a very tatty notice board with out of date information about courses and some chairs with webbing missing and rather mysterious stains.

Hi Coelacanth *waves* what a good idea! Am half way through and the pressure is horrendous! The grammar is beyond me and as for ideas for TP well? What can I say? I feel like Valerie Singleton. Only positive thing is we are all feeling the same and are either going round to each other's houses or on the phone to share the pain!
take care
boots

Often your best resource will be other teachers so I'm glad you have a support group going!

My very first teaching job was with what would now be called "special needs" children in a mainstream school. Well, for them, E might as well have been a FL for all they could manage of it. This was in the days before the National Curriculum and so it was much easier to custom design lessons just for each class. In despair after finding nothing around for 14 year olds with a reading age of 5 (except stuff for 5 year olds eg "I can run. Look at me run") I went to my local library and discovered all the EFL books.

You might find it helpful to look at the online staff room on the tes site.
Main site http://www.tes.co.uk
Staffroom http://www.tes.co.uk/staffroom/
EAL threads http://www.tes.co.uk/staffroom/list_threads.asp?id=18111
From there I also found a link to http://www.esl-lounge.com/

You are doing TEFL? I did read it somewhere I think! Or has the brain gone?

Thanks for all of that C. This brain has definitely gone. Yes I am doing the dreaded TESOL. It is fab but oh so hard. Grammar is my weakest link - amend, grammar is my broken link, the others are just holding together by a thread. Am battling with assignment and have to do teaching practice tomorrow too. Think I am going to call it a night but will go and check our those sites first!
take care
boots

I am sure you'll get in to the swing of it all before long.

I know that when I have done OU courses they seem so overwhelming but as my brain cell gets to the idea of having to think again, things get easier to deal with.

Don't forget is good brain food, well, that's what I tell myself anyhoo

Hi Caerwyn *waves* Suspect there is not time to get ino any kind of swing. It's only four weeks and I've never seen so many vegetables piled into a pressure cooker. We have two teachers, (one who teaches special needs, Coelacanth), one criminal solicitor,An IT something or other One student on gap year, one ex publisher, a retail store manager, a graduate just back from gap year and a weight watchers devotee who really should know better! Even the teachers say it is the hardest thing they have ever done.
Have just put one of my student's letters through spell and granmmar check (am supposed to compare and contrast something and I don't think it's beauty products). Have to do 2500 words and it came back with not one error!!! P'raps I can tell them how attractive his handwriting is?

P.S game site is great! Thanks for that
take care
boots (off to bed with Mr Oh so sexy Learner English)

Glad to help! I thought of something else too. It's worth checking out the BBC learning zone programmes. You might find something you can tape and use in a lesson even f its from the GCSE English programmes.
Learning Zone home page: http://www.bbc.co.uk/learningzone/
Learning Zone languages: http://www.bbc.co.uk/learningzone/langtravel/

BBC World Service English looks really useful ("Practise your English with the BBC.": http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/index.shtml

Also, this is a link to the online versions of newspapers from all over the world. How about a lesson looking at the English version of a foreign newspaper. http://www.vilches.com.mx/extra/main.htm

I don't do special needs any more, it was just my starter job to get my foot on the first rung. For the last 11 years I've only taught 16+ A level courses and I can't see me doing anything else. I certainly wouldn't tackle what you're doing! Good luck with the TP.

Final link. A page written just for you by the look of it!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/grammar/index.shtml