h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Lord Mike and Nibbles were driving home after a heroing day of well, heroing. He was driving around when suddenly a giant wind came up.

Mike: Hey, it wasn't that loud.

(shush you, I'm trying to narrate)

Mike: Well it's a pretty poor job, like I said you're blowing things way out of proportion, I didn't eat that much of my curry today.

(Arrrgh, will you please, I wanna do this, I only have thirty more of these things to do before I can retire.)

Mike: Oh, well congrates. The big six O eh?

(will you shut up. Now..)

A slightly noticeable wind came up.

Mike: much better.

(WILL YOU PLEASE!!!)

Mike loses control of the Millsmobile and swerves and spins before being launched into the sky.

Nibbles: EEEEEEEPPP!!!!!

Mike: Great Galloping Gallopers.

suddenly they come down with a crash and the air bags open sufficating Mike whole heartedly killing him undeniably....

(what, right, stick to the script)

Mike, steps out into a blaringly lit landscape.

Mike: Nibbles I don't think we're in Wales anymore.

Nibbles: Eep eep!

Mike: My thoughts exactly, Nibbles.

(No they weren't)

Mike: Yes they were.

(No they weren't)

Mike: WERE

(WEREN'T)

Mike: Uh Huh!

(NUH UH)

Mike: Oh crackers, fine they weren't.

(told you, na na nyah nyah)

Out from the shadows stepped little people.

Mike: Holy cheese, sentient rat people. (Mike starts whacking them with his cane.)

(No they aren't. Will you wait.)

THe little people now holding their heads run away back into the shadows to say their parts away from the maniac.

GArdenkins 1: We are the Gardenkins, you must be a most prolific wizard to have killed the witch.

Mike: Yes, yes I am.

(no you aren't; stick to the script)

suddenly a cloud of perfume appears and a woman, looking a heck of a lot like Lissa appears next to Mike.

Woman: I am the the Good witch of Cosmetics. We welcome you stranger to the land of the Gardenkins. And thank you for killing the Wicked witch of Hardware and Power tools.

Mike: What witch.

Nibbles: (points) Eeep!

suddenly two socks roll up under the Millsmobile leaving behind Purple workboots.

Good Witch of Cosmetics: These will be your reward.

Mike: But I wanna go home and get away from these rat things.

(I TOLD YOU BEFORE THEY AREN'T RATS!)

Mike: I Want to go home and have some tea. That's it. No more.

Gardenkin 2: Then you must follow the Maize colored linoleum squares to the magical Chartruese City of Tesecos to see the wonderful wizard there.

Mike: Oh.

The Good Witch of Cosmetics: But beware the wicked witch of Crafts and Home Decorating will be vengeful of her sister's death.

Mike: YEs, beware, maize colored linoleum, come on Nibbles.

Our two heroes walked off down the maize colored linoleum and past the racks of stuffs. They walked all day and into the night and finally came to a rest. Two figures sneeked up on them and pounced.

Figure one: We got one, We got one.

Figure two: QUAck.

Mike: (struggling away) What the heck is going on.

Figure one: I'm officer Ford we're security guards. Except we aren't very good, the crows aren't afraid of us.

Figure two: and I'm Officer....

([in a whispered voice]Bayliss)

Figure two: What?

(BAYLISS)

Figure two: what about him.

Officer Ford: He's you.

Figure two: No he's not he's the narrator.

(FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!!!)

figure two: No I'm pretty sure my name's not Pete.

The narrator throws a hammer that he palmed in the hardware section thwakking figure two in the head.

Figure Two: Oh yeah I'm Officer Bayliss.

Mike: Ahhh.

Officer Ford: We are security officers, but since we have no brains we don't scare the crows.

(crooks)

Officer Bayliss: Them either.

Mike: Ahh, well I'm lost here but I'm going to the wizard. Maybe he can help you.

(doubtful)

Nibbles: (nods) Eeep.

Mike: I know but this plot needs to move.

So now Mike and his new found friends walked down the linoleum walk....

(And finally they got to the Chartreuse City, and the story was over.)

Lord Mike: Hey, wait a second!

(What's the matter with you?)

Lord Mike: I say, you are being difficult today, aren't you? The story isn't over yet!

(Well, all right. But don't say I didn't warn you!)

Officer Bayliss (unable to resist): You didn't warn-

(At that moment, a girl with braids and a blue-and-while checked frock stepped out of the forest.)

Marian (for it is she): Hey, you started without me?!

Lord Mike: Marian, I didn't know you were in this story!

Marian (huffily): Well, apparently I'm not!

Officer Ford: Ho, what's all this?

Marian (glares): Don't ask stupid questions.

(The officers look at each other in dismay.)

Officer Bayliss: But we don't know any other kind!

Lord Mike: Go ahead and be the main character if you like, Marian. I don't mind... much.

Nibbles (jumps into Marian's handy basket): Eep eeeep eep!

Marian: Oh, it's all right. Only, there aren't any other girls to be excapt the main.

Officer Ford: Really? I thought I remembered someone with a green face... You'd do really well in that part.

(Marian whacks him with a collectors' edition book containing all the original illustrations The W***** of O*, and stalks off down the Path of Maize-Coloured Linoleum Squares, closely followed my Mike.)

Lord Mike: You know, we're going to see the Wizard of Great Meals in Less Than Five Seconds; maybe he can get you a part!

Marian: Yes, I know all that stuff already. Come on crew! By the way -- nice footwear there, Mike...

Nibbles: Eep.

Marian: Not you, Nibbles.

(They walk away cinematically into the distance, leaving the clowns behind.)

Officer Bayliss (to Officer Ford, who is just sitting on the grass stupidly): Don't you think we ought to follow them?

Officer Ford: Follow who? What for? I don't think so.

Officer Bayliss: Well, they're two highly suspicious... suspects. We're supposed to follow people like that, right?

(Recieving no answer from Ford, who appears to be asleep, he walks off down the Linoleum Path after the suspects. Officer Ford, waking up 10 hours later and having nothing else to do, goes along too. And, through the magic of Boardywood, he manages to catch up by the next scene.)

As Steven stumbles into the scene some great CGI effects take, umm, effect and a horrible woman dressed in a tight fitting work shirt and overalls appears in front of the group...

Mike: This would be the Wicked Witch of Crafts and Home Decorating?

(More than likely, yes)

Marian: Ahh, She looks like....

Lance: Like that one girl we know.

Mike: Yes, quite.

Steven: Are you sure, I think she looks like that other girl we know...

Lance: Nah, that one has a bigger nose.

Mike: No; she doesn't, you're thinking of the other other girl we know.

(OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!)

Marian cries out loud....

The guys look at Marian.

(so help me; if you don't move this along I'll quit. I really will.)

Mike: And lose your pention?

(Somethings aren't worth it)

Mike: Ahh, true.

(Yes)

WWoCaHD: EEEEheehee! I'll get you my pretty and your little Nibbles too....

Marian: Actually, it's Mike's Nibbles.

Mike: Strange that last set of dialogue I thought Nibbles was...(Marian slaps him) Ow....

Marian: Keep your eyes on the target...

Mike: I try to but you slap me.

Marian slaps him again.

Mike: OWww, See!

Nibbles: Eep.

Nibbles jumps up at the wicked witch but she shoots him with a glue gun.....

Lance and Steven step in front of Marian and draw their ummm, things that security guards have...

WWoCaHD: batons?

(Yes, thank you)

WWoCaHD: No problem. Now Michael give me my sisters magic boots.

Mike: And if I don't?

WWoCaHD: I-I'll make your house all un Feng Shui-like.....

Mike: Egads she's evil.

(explains the wicked part of her name twit.)

Mike: Not really, You could of named her the Evil Witch of Crafts and Home Decorating.....

(You know more and more I am finding myself rooting for the witch here...)

Mike: Well, this scene is getting no where...

Steven: (who after his semi-heroism, is now found picking his nose.) What do we do?

Mike: RUN AWAY!!!

The group runs away until they run into a stooped figure. It's all shiny and pink..... and looks like a Power Ranger.....

Mike: Could it be.....

Stooped figure: Mmmmph mmph.

Mike: What?

Steven: He wants his oil.

Mike: How'd you.....

(He speaks moron you twit.)

Mike: My you are malevolent today aren't you?

(Yes)

Mike oils the figure and it jumps.

Stooped figure: Thank you, I was getting worried. I'm the Tin Pink Power Ranger, though Andrew would do.

Mike: And what is your problem...?

Andrew: I lost my hair clippy. So now I'm sad....

Marian: We're going to the Chartruse City to see the mighty wizard...

(Ahem, the Wonderous wizard....)

Marian: What ever..

Lance: (Who'd gotten a cramp from standing without speaking for so long) Quack err, Ow....

Lance's Brain: I get a cramp too for putting up with this twat.

Lance: Shush you...

Everyone: Who are you talking to....

Lance: This tree that's throwing chessy fish and bananas at me....

(Argh it be's cliffhanger time... Mwahahahahaha.....)

Mike: This is an odd one isn't it....

Marian: YEs, they are just accepting any applicants now adays...

(No talky talky, it's cliffhanger time....)

Marian: Oh right.. (screams)

(Much better)

Marian: Thanks

(Now shush..)

Ending Credits roll... For now.,... OR do they... Mwahahahahahaha! No actually they do.... Sorry for the confusion... Umm...

Mike: Shhhh

Andrew: Yes this is starting to drag....

(FINE!)

Mike: Fine.

(You really must have the last word don't you?)

Mike: Yes.

(GRRRRRR)

Mike: Hehe.

The narrator grumbles as the commercials snap on to end the scene quickly.....

Interior Evil Castle of WWoCaHD

WWoCaHD: I want those boots!

Figure: Mmmmhmmm.....

WWoCaHD: Shush you, you know your big wind has really fouled things up... You over shot and got Marian here too, Stainless Steel Rat....

SSR: Vell, you vin zome and you loze zome...

WWoCaHD: Well, you lose more than win.

SSR: Yez I deed notize zat.

****

Ext Dark Forest....

Officer Fordsinging) Fukai Fukai Mori no oku ni ima mo kitto....

Officer Bayliss: Dear, me he's lost it...

MArian: Welcome to the world of the living, Officer Bayliss..

Mike: It's Japanese.....It's a silly joke referencing the setting....

Everyone looks at Mike.

(I must admit I'm even a bit shocked at this one)

Mike: Nevermind... My it's gettting dark....

Marian: (Still gaping a bit) Yes, it is getting nasty dark out..

Kookaburra's sound off, as does the sound of nasty nasty things...

Officer Ford: (shuddering) I'm scared to death...

Officer Lance: Where is death; I have always wanted to know...

Mike whacks him in the frustration of making a successful joke this post.

SUDDENLY, a big angry guy dressed as a lion jumps out and roars at them....

Guy: RAR

Everyone else: (Unimpressed) Umm, yipe?

Nibbles jumps the lion costume guy and beats the tar out of him.

Guy: Hey! You can't do that I'm the King of this here jungle for I am the Guy in the Lion Costume of Tescos! My not real name is Simon.

Mike: Ahh, well it's bound to happen isn't it..

Marian: Yes, yes it was.

And as the day fished on to this thoroughly uneventful post we ask the question Why? So I will as well, Why?

Announcer Type: We interrupt this amazingly well-written and terribly acted broadcast with a very important special news bullitan:

Last week, a small chicken sat on a pickle.

And today, someone ate a potato.

Experts think these incidents may be related. But it isn't likely.

We will now return you to your irregularly scheduled programming for this morning/lunchtime/afternoon/evening/night/Outside of Time and Space/Whatever time it is/Who cares anyway?

(Well, actually, not NOW-Now. More like, in-the-next-few-days-cause-I've-been-really-busy-Now. )

Mike: Simon, Aye?

Simon: Aye....I used to be a psychiatrist on this boat...but then they made me king of this jungle...little did I know I'd have to where this hot lions' costume.

Marian: I wouldn't call it 'hot' seductively cute maybe.

Mike shoots a look at Marian; who shoots back striking Mike in the heart and he falls backwards clutching his chest...

Mike: (gasping) I've......been.......sh.....ot...... (hits the ground)

Simon: Oh dear, is he?

Marian: Dead? No, he's just gurning for attention...isn't that right Mike?

Mike mumbles something in Welsh.

Steven: What was that?

(I SAID HE MUMBLED SOMETHING IN WELSH!)

Simon: My you need anger management classes....

[The narrator throws a stray prop at Simon beaming him in the head]

(Who the heck are you?)

[I'm the narrator's narrator]

(I know you! You're that guy at the Christmas Party!!! You ate all the peanut brittle!!!)

[I did not! It was ummm, someone else *flits his eyes guiltily*]

*both narrators look at me the narrator's narrator's narrator* *err....Hello*

Mike: (jumping up) Wait wait wait... One narrator was enough, two was crowded but three.... and we aren't even near the end of this story...

Officer Ford: French fries are good when they are fried.

Everyone looks at Officer Ford and lifts an eyebrow and then they all pounce Officer Ford beating him.

While they beat on Officer Ford little do they notice the on coming WWoHDaC

Mike: Yipe the well, villainess by the name of the Wicked Witch of Home Decorating and Crafts...

WWoHDaC: WEEEHEEEHEEEEE!!!! I will get you my pretty and your...

Marian: We did this all ready; and I told you it's not my Nibbles it's Mike's Nibbles...

Mike: Strange that line still makes me think you two are saying nip....

Marian slaps him harshly

Mike: Owwww.

The witch flies away for no apparent reason other than the author can't think of a way our heroes can escape because he's a jolly big idiot....

&HEY! Now seeing as I am writing you. Can't you be nice...&

(No you Jolly big idiot)

&Oh&

Officer Bayliss: This is going to be one of those posts.....

Mike: One of what post?

Officer Bayliss: (clutching his ears) NOOOO! IT HURTS IT HURTS!!!

Brain: Oh dear Grape Jelly he's going critical... eject eject!!!!!

Officer Bayliss runs about in circles befor crashing into a big rock that had been placed there to specifically stop idiots from running in circles...

Mike: These guys think of everything. (looks at Marian...)

Marian slaps Mike again.

The Tin Pink Power Ranger known as Andrew walks out of the foliage holding a doughnut.

Mike: (rubbing his cheek) And where have you been?

Andrew: Err..... I went to get me a doughnut...

Mike: Did you bring one for everyone?

Andrew: Umm, no...

Mike: Then no pastry for you!

Mike yanks the doughnut from Andrew and throws it into a bush.

Andrew: Now that was rude.

Suddenly, they find themselves in front of the gates of the Chartruese City of Tesecos...*insert name of local department store here if you can think of one*

Mike walks up and knocks on the door. The masked face of a guard appears behind the slide panel.

Guard: What do you want!?

Mike: (looking at Marian) To enter.

MArian slaps him again. (this is getting very innuendo laden isn't children) Children nod (Holy fish and crumpets!!!!)

Mary Whitehouse: I shall smiteth theee!!!!MWWWWWEEEEEEEECOUGHHACKSPUTTERHEEEEHEEEHEEEIHATEDOCTORWHOITISEVILANDDEADLYASSASSINWASBADFORCHILDPSYCHOLOGY!!!!!!!

Officer Bayliss: Great Ferret Gum Drops! We're dooooooomed.

Mike: No, not really, our ratings just increased by fifty fold.

Officer Ford: Awesome.

Mary Whitehouse looking downtrodden and defeated walked off in the sunset..which was odd considering it was noon and that they were inside...but I'm not willing to change what I just said...

Whitehouse: I will be back....

Andrew: I never knew Whitehouse did an Arnold Schwartzenager impression....

Mike: You learn something new everyday. (turns to the guard) NOW LET US IN OR I SHALL ENVOKE THE POWER OF HOOBLY HOO ON YOU!!!!!!!

Guard: No, not.......Hoobly Hoo!!!!

Mike: Yes Hoobly Hoo... and if I envoke it you'll get a jolly good smack bottom!

Everyone looks at him oddly.

Mike: Err, I'm not that way inclined...MArian shall administer it and we shall supervise...

Marian slaps Mike again for the now sixth or seventh time this post....

Marian: Let us in guard or I'll sick Simon on you...

The Guard let them in to the city but first made them put on sunglasses tinted purple.

Marian: Why purple?

Guard: To keep the bugs out....

Boomtish

Mike: Nibbles what have I told you about playing strange drum sets in foreign multicolored faery lands?

Nibbles: (looks down) Eep eep...

Mike: That's what I thought. (turns to the guard) Now take us to the wizard!

Guard: No...

Mike: Hoooobblyyyyyyy

Guard: Alright Alright.......

As the Guard leads them away Marian walks next to Mike...

Marian: (whispering) What's Hoobly Hoo?

Mike: No idea, made it up off the top of my head.....

Marian: Right...

What will our heroes and heroine find in the palace of the wizard...Will we find out more about the WWoHDaC and her allegience with the Stainless Steel Rat... Will a monkey appear in the next post.....Find out next time on A-Team....

Mike: WHAT!!!!?


Oh...umm... On the Lord Mike Saga.....

Announcer: We take this break in transmission to bring you the news that Mike Zigrosi the notorious mass-jokes-murderer and psychotic pseudonym has posted on this thread. Although the exact location of Mister Zigrosi's post is not, as yet, known the police have released the following statement in which they state their shock and alarm at this turn of events.

Policeman: We are shocked and alarmed by this turn of events

Announcer: We will keep you updated on the state of this urgent emergency of certain urgency. But now, a whimsical adventure in time and space featuring that adventurer in realms of sillyness and enigmacy, Lord Mi-

The Guard walks up to the palace doors.

Guard: Little pig little pig let me in!

A slide panel opens and another guard peers out.

Guard2:Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin.

Guard: Well I'll huff and puff and blow your house in.

Guard2: I will talk to the WIZARD.....

Guard: You must wait for the Wizard's decision.

As the Guard was walking away...the WWoHDaC flew over on her floor polisher and wrote in the sky...

"I'll get you all of you Mweeeeheeeheeee....."

Mike: Well that was, umm, interesting.

Guard2: I have returned. Unannounced....

(Sorry, busy with the Witch thing...I can't be everywhere you know)

Guard2: The Wizard will see you, but only after you've destroyed the witch and taken her golden hammer from her belt.

Marian: what has she done to any of us?

Mike: Yeah. Sure she has been...making idle threats and saying Mweeeheehee a lot but other than that she's rather harmless...

Guard2: Harmless! She will turn the entire land to home decorating and DIY!!!!

Officer Ford and Bayliss: Nooooooo!!!!

Andrew: Yikes

Simon: That's just tacky.

Marian and Mike: It is evil and we must fight evil where ever it spawns....

Our heroes quickly rush off to the WWoHDaC evil land of DIY with her subjects the Dyikies... Will they be able to defeat her.. what evil plans has she gotten hidden amongst the power tool forest and the apoxy glue lake....find out next time..

Same Lord Time Same Mike channel...more of less.....