h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hiya,

I`m here at last! I`m hoping that the subject line will leave you in no doubts that its me.

I shall just have to wait and see.

Jane

Tally ho Lingulaca!

It is an honour to see you in public at last.

With or without a squiggle.

With time and practice I am told that you may master the usage of squiggles, accents, italics, umlauts, lions and tigers and bears.

Oh my.

Welcome to King Ruprecht's GHQ where quid animus esse animus esse is very much the order of the day.

Yours in faith and folly,

Good day Sire.

I trust no aftershocks have left their impression on your otherwise impeccable self.

In public at last. For how long I know not... it all depends on how long my courage holds out.

I fear that I shall have to unplug the digibox and disconnect the computer if I get into the or the `gold armoured ones`. If I don`t, who knows WHAT will emerge, so for safety`s sake, I think that`s best!

My squiggle is definitely missing but I shall take hope from your message that I shall find one at last.

Your `here`s hoping that I don`t make a fool of myself` friend.

Jane

Good almost afternoon my dearest Lingulaca (squiggle in post).

It does my heart good to see that you have become bloody, bold and resolute and have laughed to scorn the power of public chat forums in order to continue our debate.

I recall that the King of the Britons was mentioned at some length within LD, along with Galahad, Lancelot et al.

Are you of the mind to explore this dark age of pre-chivalry at greater length?

The myth and reality of Arthur make for some interesting and surprising comparisons. It certainly shows 'Excalibur' as being the greatest work of misrepresented fiction since, let me see now, Braveheart.

Or shall we leave the English Monarchy as it is, content in the knowledge that self destruction is already assured?

Yours in the sincere hope that you have not gone back into hiding,

Good `well into the` afternoon my dear friend,

As you can see, I have not, as yet, gone back into the dark recesses of my hidey-hole, but give me time.

The hidey-hole in question is at present being renovated and made comfortable in preperation for my winter hibernation.

Ahhhh, the dear old Telford Journal has just sprawled itself through the letterbox and all over the passage floor! What would we do without these regular visits of local news.
Of course, had I been given the choice, I would have much preferred to have had the postie deliver my squiggle. Alas, this was not to be today, so I shall await it in anticipation.

You did indeed receive rather a large bombardment of messages in LD on the subject of King Arthur and various other topics. Something akin to three and a half pages I believe.

As with most historical figures, there is a lot of myth surrounding this particular person, but I still believe that he did, in fact, exist.

On the subject of Excaliber. There is a certain shop in Wellington, the window of which I cannot go past without stopping for a gander.

They sell replica swords etc. One of said swords being Excaliber!! Now, how could they possibly know that?

Unless of course, they have beaten us to the time machine.

As regards other subjects, all I can say is, bring back King Arthur.

Oh dear, I fear lingulaca has struck again so I shall be gone for now.

Take care.

Your `talkative` friend

Jane

Good definitely morning my dear Lingulaca.

The tried and mistrusted Telford Journal sits here beside me, that valuable tome of learning and wisdom that scales the heights of professional journalism and brings home the news and views that are vital in maintaining an up to the minute, finger on the pulse attitude to the hurly burly rat race that is life.

Hmmm.... Traders split over new market plan. LSD Promotions hope to relocate Oakengates Market from Lime's Walk to a new outdoor locale in Market Street.

Inspired. It was worth getting out of bed today for that particular gem.

I do wonder, however, who LSD Promotions are and whether their advocation of acid breaks several trading standards rules and regulations. I also wonder if I can find their telephone number and score a few tabs for the weekend.

Never mind. Page two may prove better reading. And lo, a breastfeeding support group meeting in Wellington to which fathers are also welcome. I can look at interesting pamphlets and view a lending library as though there will not be more important distractions wobbling about the place.

Alright then, how about page three? Surely page three will have something to offer the hapless readership.

Except that I find a large photograph of that grinning quasi-celebrity Craig Phillips sporting a hard hat and rope and tackle. At the risk of appearing coarse I would venture that someone on the editing staff may have misunderstood the request for 'tits' on page three.

And into the bin it goes once again.

I have seen the sword of which you speak in that darling little gift shoppe along Crown Street. So who let that miniature Chinese proprieter in on our little Time Machine venture?

Upon thinking about it for a moment, it could well have been me next Wednesday. Still a few paradoxes to be ironed out there methinks.

Regarding Arthur himself, I have just laid claim to two new books regarding his better publicised adventures. Should I ever find the time to read them I shall pass on any choice snippets of knowledge that manage to penetrate that grey organ that skulks within my skull.

Sad to say but I seem to purchase books and films with the sole intent of inserting a demented royal fish into the framework these days. This Sunday I should finally receive delivery of Jules Verne's Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea which is most assuredly next on the hit list.

I shall take my leave for the moment. There is still much to be done before dawn and my inclination to perform it waxes thin.

Take extremely good care of yourself my friend,

Good `a kind of dull grey colour outside` afternoon my dear friend,

Apologies for not getting back to you sooner. I came across some information yesterday that unsettled me for a while, but I am now recovering.

I shall send you an email with more details.

Ahhhh yes..... the good old Telford Journal. An absolute Aladdins Cave of awe and wonder that inspires all who read it to head straight for the wheelie bin.

It makes the mind boggle to imagine how many of us poor souls complete this task, this exciting venture into euphoria, every Thursday.

You could not bring yourself to get past page 3!! The disappointment was too much for you I see.

Craig Phillips is not much consolation for the prize you sought I do admit.

Had you been able to force yourself to get as far as Page 11, you may have seen the little snippet about the PR and their new x-ray machine.

And what about the absolute GEM that are the 10 rules for revellers!!

RULES for revelling?! Priceless! And all these years I`ve been under the mistaken impression that if one wanted to revel, one simply DID.

The support group for breastfeeding! I have a vision of a huge pile of `feeder` bras!

Ah well, I am certain that should you decide to attend you will enjoy lending a helping hand.

I cannot believe that next Wednesday, you are going to let that little proprieter in on our time travel venture!!

DON`T DO IT!! Wear a gag for the day, do anything you must, but DON`T DO IT!

Imagine.... we could save Charlemagne from all his marriages, we could visit Mu (preferably before it is swallowed in the deluge), we could see the pyramids completed and beat the tomb robbers to the gold, the list is endless.

Just think my friend... does the gag not sound tempting now.

The little green-eyed monster that is jealousy has snared me for a brief moment as regards your new books.

However, it is already abating because of your promise to furnish me with details. I look forward to it. I rely on the fact that when you do eventually start to read them, you read fast!!

Twenty thousand Leagues Under the Sea. A classic which will be made even more endearing by your remarkable attention to it.

I feel I should depart for now my friend before I realise that the afternoon has departed and it is now midnight!

Take great care of yourself.

Be well and be happy.

Your `lingulaca - squiggle in the post` friend

Jane

Wednesday, October 9th 2002.

Today is the day my friend. The day that I betray our secret of time travel to the Seven Crowns shopkeeper.

However, I have excellent news. I have been stung by a rather unfortunate vomiting virus that will see me confined to quarters for the remainder of the day with a large bottle of paracetamol. I shall not rise until at least five of the clock, at which point I shall be making good my escape from the marital home in a bid to transmit said virus amongst the patients of PRH that they may have as much fun as myself. In essense, our secret is safe.... for the time being.

I have drawn up a preliminary flight plan for our inaugural retrochronological journey and would seek your consent on a few trifling details.

With your permission I should like to pop over to Troy at about 1200 BC and sell Achilles a pair of armoured wellingtons.

I would also like to add a trip to Dallas, 1963 to the itinerary and hang a large 'Closed Due To Forseen Circumstances' sign on the front door of the Texas School Book Depository.

Next I should like to make a brief stopover to Roswell, 1947 and just sort of hang around for a while. You never know.

I also fancy a flight to our very own England in 1649. A quick word with King Charles to the effect of 'For God's sake man, recognise the authority of the court! It's not worth losing your head over.' may just prevent the odd spot of unpleasent regicide.

Of course, if you have any destinations of your own in mind I shall be more than happy to join you. Particularly if there is a large sack of priceless gemstones involved.

I am reading as quickly as possible in relation to Arthur. It seems that archaeologists have found an enscribed slate at Tintagel that states Artognou built it. The 'it' is presumed to be a building that this slate plaque was once mounted on. The slate is in a sixth century layer, giving a plausible date for King Arthur but Artognou is not a previously known root source for the name Arthur.
However, the inscription describes Artognou as being a descendant of Col. This may well be Coel Hen, who British medieval royals claimed as proof of ancestry; the fellow who we now remember as Old King Cole.
The inscription fails to divulge whether or not he was a merry old soul, nor any accurate data regarding his choice of musicians, bowls or preferred method of tobacco inhalation. Come to think of it, if tobacco was introduced by Sir Walter Raleigh then calling for his pipe would have met with some bemused looks from the fiddlers.

Well, once again I beg your leave and retire for the night/day. Twenty Thousand Leagues has been safely transported, although in the form of the Walt Disney cinema version that appears to have been abridged, edited and only vaguely waved at the original novel. Ah well, with at least thirty fledgling projects in the 'ideas' stage, something is bound to crop up sooner or later.

Happy Wednesday. May all your deeds be great and stay well clear of Crown Street.

Good, `the day after the night before` day my dear friend.

I fear that guilt has took a hold of me since I discovered that in order to preserve our most treasured secret, you were afflicted by such a dreadful and nauseating melady.

Rest assured that it was not necessary... a gag would have been ample but I do appreciate your determination not to reveal our secret and your loyalty to our project.

This being the case, I am extrememly pleased to tell you that I wholeheartedly concur with your choices for our proposed journey.

Troy and the armoured Wellingtons of Achilles would be a sound idea.

However, I would also like to suggest that we pay a visit to Thetis as she is dipping her son into the River Styx.

Maybe we could suggest to her that she remember to do his heels!!

How many of the mortals to follow would be saved the pain in that area if only she had done it right?!

Dallas 1963... agreed. Let us hope that THAT would indeed do the trick.

However, if the conspiracy theories are to be believed, it may not!

Our visit there would give us an excellent opportunity to discover the truth of that day.

Ahhhh, Roswell. We could sneak in and witness the events for ourselves, then, before anyone else were to arrive, we could gather evidence and bring it safely home to do with as we will.

Not so keen on 1649... it is royalty after all. However, I would dearly like to see you complete your task, so I wholeheartedly agree to go.

As for myself, I would like to visit the Library of Alexandria before the first major fire of 97BC and rescue all the wonders of literature and history that must have been found there.

I would also like to go back to the 16th century and maybe `nab` the Aztec gold that Cortex was transporting.

And still in this mode of thought, I feel we should warn Montezuma of the upcoming betrayal. (After we have procured the gold of course!)

Then there would be the absolutely irristable opportunity to go back to around 60 AD and see Boadicea in her prime. Did she, or did she not have blades on the wheels of her chariot.

Penultimately, I would like to visit the Knights Templar and the Priory of Sion just to see the truth of the Holy Grail.

Last but not least my friend, we would surely have to visit King Arthur.

Are these suggestions agreeable to you?

Still on the subject of King Arthur.... your books.

I have been scanning through my own information because I felt absolutely sure that I had heard `Artognou` before. Unfortunately, I have found nothing, which has been extremely frustrating!

There has been a very interesting programme on this week discussing this very subject and according to said programme, Camelot was actually a Hillfort and was constructed of roughly raised timber.

(Possibly Cadbury Castle. I have heard this theory before as I dare say you have too.)

Oh to know the truth of it all - what a blessing that would be.

(Maybe Old King Cole was calling for his pipe in order to smoke something other than tobacco.)

Before I forget my friend, I would like to ask you where I can find your stories.

Point me in the right direction and I shall read away. With thirty fledgling projects in the pipeline, I shall have to read fast.

David was at the PRH on Monday night. X-rays for his wrist etc.

Thankfully, nothing was broken but he has torn ligaments and tendons so is having to rest it for a week and wear a support.

Well my friend, I think it is time for me to disappear once again.

I truly hope that you are fully recovered from your bout of vomiting and are as fit as a fiddle once again.

I look forward to hearing from you very soon and in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Your friend as always

Jane

My dearest Jane.

The Time Machine is almost complete. Just a few minor adjustments to the dials, a wee tweak of the retrochronological measuring flibberty jibberts and one last screw on the adjustable leather swivel chair.

I am glad that you approve of most areas of the flight plan. The relevent coordinates shall be fed into the machine just as soon as I work out which part of the machine is responsible for relevent coordinate feeding. I also question the function of the large red 'Warning! Do Not Touch' button. The use of a large claw hammer has proved most effective as a divining rod by which to locate expensive and delicate electronic circuit boards that reside adjacent to the parts that are meant to be struck. I have a few concerns regarding one General Failure. Who on Earth is this man? And how is he able to read my hard disk?

Suffice to say that Dallas 1963 is almost within our sights.

Now all that remains is the location to make touchdown.

The junction of Houston and Elm Street seems favourite from a participant observation point of view. The Grassy Knoll near the Railroad Overpass may call for some protective headgear. The Texas School Book Depository, on reflection, probably affords a poor view of proceedings and will not reveal any data concerning the truth behind the matter. A seat within the Presidential limousine has been considered but may very well interfere with the results along with giving a pointed example of the frailty of human anatomy.

After weighing up all the pros and cons I suggest the strategy of standing directly in front of Abraham Zapruder wearing a large hat and carrying a selection of state of the art camera equipment. In this way we stand to make a right royal mint and get on the cover of Time magazine.

In the same manner a trip to the Aztec Empire in 1521 with a smallpox vaccine and a Spanish dictionary may just even the odds for Motecuhzoma. A crafty currency exchange of parrot feathers and sparkly seashells could keep us in gold for the rest of our natural lives.

Hmmm.... this is all starting to sound a little mercenary. I do hope that the worlds first time machine is not going to be used to cash in on our ancestors. After all, a fool and his money are soon parted.

I wonder who got mine?

The Knights Templar would prove a distracting aside. Travelling through Palestine and Syria with the cream of Europe, taking vows of chastity, poverty and obedience and maintaining at least one of these vows through a very real sense of necessity. To discover why the French order had to spoil everything in 1307 would be very high on my itinerary, as would be their penchant for wearing a bright red crosshair about the chest in order to encourage the efforts of Saracen archery fire.

For now, I shall leave you with these thoughts and the two emails that I hope managed to find their way through the digital traffic.

Your partner in time,

My dear friend,

I am here at last.

Your message was received with great delight and I am so pleased to know that our Time Machine venture is getting nearer to completion.

I have a request as regards the last minute adjustments to our vehicle.. PLEASE ensure that the last screw on the adjustable leather chair is of good quality.

It would be a travesty, a disaster should the chair in question not be strong enough to take on the inevitable shakings of our adventure.

As regards the Warning. Do not touch button... I would advise hitting it with the hammer.

Do Not Touch can only signify that it has to be!!

I agree totally that we should avoid the Presidential Limousine. I feel that my `life-force` would prefer to stay inside my veins rather than on the seat of said limousine!

A fool and his money are soon parted! Absolutely.

This is one reason why I shall personally never amass a fortune. I am so glad that I am in good company.

The Knights Templar! Ahhh... those enigmatic Knights who have touched my soul for many a year.

There is one particular monument that is not far from our place of residence that is an enigma!

`The Shepherds` Monument` at Shugborough Hall.

It is an eighteenth century copy of Poussin`s "Les Bergers d`Arcadie` REVERSED, mirror fashion.

The inscription on said monument has never been disciphered.

I shall put here what I can see on said inscription...

O.U.O.S.V.A.V.V
D. M.

I am assuming that they are abbreviations for a Latin phrase or words and also, that there is a possibility that said `phrase` or `words` run from right to left!!

Far more to all this than meets the eye, which of course, is what inspires curiousity.

The `regression` that I mentioned to you once before has also prooved to be of significance for me, but I shall say no more for now.

The emails you mentioned have been duly received and appreciated.

Unfortunately, I have been unable to retrieve them in order to respond properly.

I tried to forward them to the Telewest accounts in the hopes of answering them from here, BUT, that was an extremely optimistic thing to do!!

Telewest do not appear to be able to cope with anything above 2k!

I shall bid you Adieu for now my dear friend.

I shall respond to your emails as soon as I am able.

In the meantime, stay well and happy.

(All Hallows Eve. Wonderful.

I wonder what delights I shall come up with TONIGHT!)

Your `trying to resist temptation` friend

Jane

A little extra!

On the inscription, the latter two letters are not together as it appears in the message.

The D. is bottom left and the M. is bottom right.

I thought I should clarify this.

Your `looking forward to our adventure` friend

Jane

Good morning to you dearest Jane.

Contrary to popular demand I have once more set sail upon the good ship h2g2 in search of truth, justice and a half price discount for children under the age of five.

This is my first correspondence on this site for some two weeks. The reasons for such are rich and varied but mostly involve the human liver. An explanation may or may not be forthcoming.

As promised I have investigated the mystery of Shugborough Hall and the enigmatic Shepherds Monument therein. This has been a most unusual exercise as it is one that has actually borne fruit. The letters that you mention (O.U.O.S.V.A.V.V.D.M) do appear to have a rather Roman flavour, but that horribly inserted 'U' gave me a few problematic moments. That is, until, I had a shuftie at my limited sources on Roman history and discovered one Alicia the Shepherdess who lived among the seven hills of Rome and sort of herded sheep. There is a poem that goes with the shepherdess that rambles on and on at length and tends to bore the reader into submission. However, one line that leaps straight for the jugular is:

"Out of Your Own Sweet Vale Alicia Vanish Vanity Twixt Diety and Man, thou shepherdess the way."

This appears to fit the majority of the characters upon the monument apart from that impertinent 'U'.

Drat, I may have said.

But then salvation arrived in the archives of Shugborough Hall where a certain letter from Margaret, Countess of Lichfield in 1987 suggests that the U is probably 'lovers code' for 'you' as in I L U. At the time when the monument was erected, gentlemen were prone to scoring the bedroom windows of their intended with a diamond to this effect. Admiral Anson may well have dedicated the monument to his own wife, as at least one contemporary painting depicts Lady Anson in the garb of a shepherdess.

As for the spacing of the letters D and M, I presume that this is meant to demonstrate the vanity betwixt Diety.............. and Man.

Why Les Bergers d'Arcadie is reversed I really would not wish to speculate. Perhaps the forger was a particularly bad one?

Of course, this is mere speculation, what with Admiral Anson being dead and all that. The chances are that the whole thing is a carefully encoded device that once unlocked with the correct incantation will render the entire northern hemisphere an apocalyptic wasteland of Canadian proportions.

On the whole, the latter theory would be wholly more entertaining if first given a pair of opera glasses and an adjacent planet to observe from.

And so into the night I return. There is unattended mail to reply to and only five hours til dawn. Not to mention a complete overhaul of armed conflict from Balaclava to Bosnia to put through the wringer.

Kushti Bok and a big black candle,

Hello there my friend,

Apologises indeed for the delay in my response... I can only hope that my oversight shall be forgiven.

You are always in great demand my friend.

I found your delvings into the mystery that is Shugborough Hall most enthralling. It all makes sense.

I cannot say that I am not just a trifle disappointed that the mystery was less to do with the Knights Templar than with a ... romance... albeit of immense proportions.

All romances begin as this do they not?!

I truly thank you for your exploration of this subject. I needed to have an explanation and I am so glad that I could rely on you to furnish me with one.

Ah... "the vanity twixt deity and man"....

I`m actually not sure that there is that much difference. Some gods would like to think they`re of man and some men would like to think they`re gods.

I`m not counting women in this equation of course.

As an extra little afterthought, I have to say that I have now browsed or read a couple of other things recently that have set me back upon the quest of 12,000 years.

A programme I saw the other day actually suggested that Atlantis was in fact, a community not unlike our own!

A capital and boroughs! There is a place in Mexico that is very compelling as the `capital` of Atlantis... everything fits. All the descriptions of Homer, even down to the wall surrounding the main city. Even the measurements are accurate.

The surrounding boroughs of course, were engulfed.

The time period for this deluge was put down to 12,000 years ago. Curiouser and curiouser.

I wish that I could be more informative, but unfortunately, until I get settled in my new found role, I shall be less than so.

Truly hope that you are well, safe and happy.

Your friend as always.

Jane