h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Lousie

Posted Mar 1, 2003

I was 30years old wen i had my first baby(n reached that age thinking i wasn't going to have ne children at all.....until i found out i was pregnant).
I had the most beautiful baby girl, only 5lb 7ozs full term but soooo beautiful n we called her Louise Marie
because we thought it suited her!
we were so proud of her and were only too willing to show her off wen asked.
Then one saturday afternoon i went to wake her for her feed and she wudn't wake up. Like neone else i suppose, i panicked n neighbours called the ambulance n the crew went through the motions, although we all knew it was futile. No one could see nething through their tears, even the ambulance crew. She was only 9weeks old and .although was putting weight on
normally, was still pretty tiny!
We were taken to the hospital where i worked in the A&E dept and i was met by the sister, (a friend n work collegue)who couldn't say nething for crying and just hugged me. It was only weeks before she had visited us at home to see Louise and bring her a gift!
The baby had been examined by a doctor and pronounced dead so i asked if i could see her and wen i did she was so tiny all wrapped up lying on an adults bed; i picked her up and held her for the longest time! I never made
any noise but tears were blinding me
all the time i was there,I was eventually coaxed to put her down by someone, think it was the hospital chaplin,n THAT'S when i fell apart!
it was then i also had an 'out of body' experience!!
it was so weird, i was near the ceiling watching myself crying in the corner and a lot of other faceless people milling about not knowing what to say! Then my husband arrived,he'd been out somewhere and was told on route to the hospital what had happened and he was staggering as he arrived in then room becaise he was also blinded by his tears!


Days afterwards the coroner phoned me to tell me unfortunately they could find no reason why my baby died and had to class it as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (Cot death).This to me seemed to be the cruelest twist of all!!
I might have been able to accept it better had they FOUND a reason for her death but the news only seemed to twist the knife in an already gaping wound in my heart!


However, this horrendous experience has taught me NEVER to take things for granted!
I went on to have two more beautiful n healthy children and although they r now teenaares i STILL go up to their bedroom every now and then when they r asleep and just listen to see if
they are breathing. If i can't hear them breathing i lick my finger and hold it under their nose just to feel their breath.
My friends laugh at this n try and make a joke of it,n i laugh with them, but i will never stop checking on them while they are in my care!
And there is not a day goes bye that i don't tell them i love them or give them cuddles n hugs at every opportunity i get, (even if the atmosphere's not very warm after arguments or disagreements) i will make a point of finding a space to either apologise or just say 'i love you' to them. they are my world to me
and i will never let them forget they are loved by at least one person everyday.

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Latest reply: Mar 1, 2003