h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

right, if this story goes on long enough I'll create a guide entry for it, giving full credit to all contributors. anyone care to start?

once upon a time there was a young gentleman of infinite proportions. his name was Ronnie and he came from Holland, but he didn't live there. his favourite food was beef flavoured speedy boil noodles. he had a pet moose called Elk and a dog called Green. one day he went to the shops to buy some fudge. no sooner had he entered the retailer when...

.....he realised that the confectionary shop was not, in fact, a confectionary shop, it was merely a front for the dutch mafia! luckily for Ronnie, the mafia bosses were out, but unluckily for Elk, their grandmother was in, and she loved to hunt.....

for mousse at the supermarket... after apologising to Elk over the mistake Granny vowed to find her spectacles, which she had lost whilst on a skying trip in Romania.

Looking at Green, she exclaimed in delight, 'Is that a seeing eye dog?'

"no," replied Ronnie. "unfortunately Green lost his sight in 'nam"
"oh!" Exclaimed Granny, "Vietnam?"
to which Ronnie replied......

...moosi. she pulled out her weapon of choice and aimed it right at the harmless antlered beast. now in the many years they had lived together in a household of three, and Ronnie was often out making it one of two, the dog and moose had formed a strong relationship which was something between love and lust, so it was that Green jumped into the air as the old woman fired and took the bullet for Elk. how sweet. Ronnie stooped over the inert body of his four legged friend and the door opened...

'nam...did I say nam? I meant ham... he lost is sight when a ham sandwich fell in it, terrible accident.'

'Oh!' Exclaimed Granny again, 'I feel quite faint.'

Granny collapses onto the floor as Ronnie hears the door opening and to very deep male voices say, 'Granny, we're back...'

thinking quickly, ronnie stripped the granny, dressed himself up in her clothes and hid her body in the cupboard. he climbed into the nearby bed and pulled the covers up to his head. as the men entered he realised he'd forgotten to do anything about Elk. "why granny, what a big moose you've got" said the larger, hairier and obviously stupider of the men...

Ronnie made his voice sound female and old and shouted, 'What I do in my own bedroom is non of your business young man!!'

......"oh, errrrr... sorry Granny. Erm, well I'll leave you to it then. 'Bye!"
Ronnie breathed a sigh of relief as the door closed, but , as the saying goes, you should never count your chickens before they're hatched, because just as he relaxed....

A huge vamparic Cockerel entered the room with a blood-lust in it's two beady little chicken eyes.

unfortunatly ronnie had left his garlic in his other coat, as he racked his brains for another solution he tried the best he could to hide under the covers, secure in the belief that if he could not see the monster, it would not be able to see him.

Ronnie lies in a terrified huddle under the sheets as he hears footsteps approaching the bed, suddenly the covers are ripped away to reveal...

....a rather nude and disgruntled Granny.....

whome he had mistaken for a cockeral, due to her feathers and umbrella. she didn't seem to see him however and climbed into bed and promptly started snoring. unfortunatly Ronnie was pinned down because Grannie's elbow was lodged in his navel...