h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have a question with regard to a strange invitation I received for a party of sorts, which took place last weekend.

A cousin of my husband has recently announced that she’s pregnant, and a family friend apparently was hosting a “baby shower”. I received an invitation in the mail, but it was addressed only to me.

Setting aside that the hostess lives in rural Indiana and there’s no way I was going to trek all the way out there without K (that would involve taking an hour + train ride, then waiting for someone to pick me up at the train, which is a pain in the ass on a holiday weekend)...

I have only been invited to one other baby shower in my adult life- mainly because I can count the number of RL friends who’ve had children on one hand. Any family members of my generation who have had any are sufficiently distant not to warrant an invitation to such events.

The invitation to the baby shower I did attend was addressed to both my husband and me. The party was attended by couples, men, women and children. There was good food, wine, music and conversation, and a short period of time spent opening cards and gifts. It was a nice party.

But this last invitation, as I say, was addressed only to me. I found this odd, as this is my cousin’s husband, not mine, so if only one of us was to have been invited, it would make more sense to me for it to have been him.

I’d mentioned this offhandedly to my uncle and husband over brunch this weekend, and they both indicated that “traditionally”, such events are usually attended only by women. I’d expressed my surprise- that seems terribly sexist to me. Neither was able to offer any good explanation, other than that “traditionally”, it’s women who were interested in babies. That may be so, but "traditionally", women had *no choice* but to make babies, but a lot of them worked and fought long and hard to get things to the point where there are other options available. Some of us find those options as or more fulfilling than the "traditional" ones.

If this was to be a girly-girly sewing-circle type get-together, though, I am even more confused as to why I would have been invited. I’m not into girly things at all. I haven't worn pink since I was six- and no one who's seen me since around age 13 has seen me in any color other than black, unless you count my orange rain boots or blue jeans.

At brunch, when I mentioned how odd I thought this was, K got all defensive about how his family and his aunt’s friend aren’t sexist people… and I agree that they probably don't intend to be. But when you get down to it, determining your guest list based on whether they have innies or outties... if that's not sexist, then what is it? I'm genuinely curious.

Any thoughts on why, in the 21st century, people are still making these kinds of assumptions about people, based on which genitals they have? Does anyone think there is a way to avoid invitations to gender-specific parties? Or is it better to just decline the invitation (and lie about why you can't come, of course. I'd never actually *tell* someone I didn't come to their party because I thought it would be boring. )?

* Full disclosure- several of you already know that in general, I'm not that huge a fan of kids. That of course makes me less interested in baby showers and in going glassy-eyed over someone else's sonograms, etc. But- I'm still happy enough for the parents! I'm just curious as to why in this day and age, anyone thinks that (a) it's just women who are interested in the kid(s) and (b) that all women are inherently so.

I'll take your place. I like babies.

In honesty I wouldn't take it too much to heart, PC. I don't think it was intended as any sort of insult.

I can see that baby showers are generally organised and attended by women and this is probably because women have the babies and know what mum and baby will need by way of gifts. I can also see that it can be beneficial for an expectant mum to hear stories of other pregnancies and how they're all different but equally exciting. I don't believe you have to be girly to know a thing or two about babies. The fact that you're not into babies probably didn't come into the organiser's head - they've probably just sent invitations to all the women in the family and friends circle.

Why does this still happen in 2012 - I guess it's because women still have the babies and have the best perspective and knowledge to share with the mum-to-be.

Only my

Of course women who have had babies are in a good position to discuss those things- after the mother's OB-Gyn, of course, who knows best. But... it if the purpose of the party is to discuss lamaze classes and swollen ankles and suchlike, all the more reason not to invite someone who you know has no experience with it.

I had no idea that was the purpose of a baby shower- I've only attended one, and it was just a bunch of adults chatting, listening to music and enjoying good food, and wine if they wanted. A handful of kids playing in the backyard. I didn't notice any deep, advice-giving going on. The mother (one of K's bandmates) spent more time talking about the band and sharing recipes for the food than talking about the coming kid.

But I think you you hit the nail on the head, Fizzy, when you said they probably invited all the women in the family and friends circle and it never occurred to them to exclude those of us with no experience or interest. It's the same question I have when I receive a wedding invitation to a distant third cousin's wedding, when I've never actually met them and they barely know my name. If you don't know me well, why feel obliged to include me in your party plans?

Ed... if K would have been invited, we would both have gone. The point was that men were deliberately excluded, and women invited purely on the basis that they were women. You wouldn't have been allowed. That didn't make sense to me. Even the *father* was excluded- it's his kid, too. Surely he needs to know what to expect.

With regard to women knowing better what a mother would need for her children... I'd guess most experienced fathers also have a pretty good idea what new parents would be needing. I'd personally have no idea... when friends have kids, I usually just send them money, if anything- but it doesn't take a genius to figure that out. It's not that I associate being girly with *knowing* about babies (my Gyn is a man, after all)... it's the idea of sitting around tittering about them that's too girly for my tastes.

I have to admit, I have trouble getting to grips with the idea of a "baby shower". I first heard the phrase from a friend who lives in the states, and I didn't understand what it meant, so I asked. The explanation was "if you're expecting a baby, you invite people to your home to get them to give you things." - from what she said, it sounded a bit like begging to me. It all sounded very acquisitive!

Here's another example (just so no one confuses the issue of me not wanting children with me not liking gender-specific party invitations).

When I got married to my ex, his aunt hosted a shower. My ex and I were *both* the guests of honor, and *all* family and friends were invited. But when K's two cousins got married in recent years, they invited only me (I declined both times, for the same reason as this time- and as I say, I typically only offer regrets without any reason beyond "I can't make it"). Why??? Both people are getting married, so why exclude the male half of the couple? And if it's because it's going to be a girly-centric party... why invite me? I'd rather hang out with the guys, if that's the case.

Well...they probably didn't invite you to annoy you. And they probably won't be too offended if you decline.

Point taken that society is sexually bifurcated. It makes no sense - it's just...a thing. Some people are cool with this, others not. I wouldn't be so keen on an invitation to go watch the footie with a bunch of guys...and I tend not to be invited.

@KB:

I don't think it's pure acquisition. I believe there's also a lot of cooing over cute ickle booties.

KB, like many things, I'm sure the traditional reasoning wasn't be to acquisitive.

But these days, you even have people hosting their own showers (tacky!). Or throwing showers for a couple's second (or subsequent) child. So for some people, it is kind of acquisitive.

Like my sister's wedding shower. She sent a link to the registry in the invitations, to ensure no one got her anything she didn't want! I wasn't invited to the shower- my sister lives in Florida and I in Illinois so there's no way I would have been in attendance. She did send me a link to the registry and boy, was she asking a lot. She got all ticked off with me for sending something I thought her husband would enjoy, too (a Godzilla DVD set) instead of the overpriced ($40 each, and she wanted 12) glasses, etc, on the registry.

But then I hate gift registries because they take all the fun out of giving. I also think it's rude to "expect" gifts from people. If you only want to invite people to get money out of them, charge a cover.

Oops, I got off on a rant there...

>I believe there's also a lot of cooing over cute ickle booties.

In the UK, or perhaps more specifically Belfast. If someone has a baby - visitors swarm in the days that follow bearing gifts. It has to be said that it is mostly women in attendance but that's not to say men are excluded although they will mostly end up in the kitchen drinking and discussing football.

We also practice hen and stag dos which mainly consist of a group of the brides friends/family (all women hence 'hens') doing something nice dinner, drinks, even short holidays and usually a measure of raucous behaviour thrown in. Stag events are much the same on the men folk do that particular show. Perhaps this sort of event is making it's way to USA and that is why you were invited to the cousins event - where they female?

I don't know. I'm not in the least bit girly and have a limited knowledge of childbirth. The only real comment I'd have about baby showers ... because they'll surely land over here someday soon ... is that the do seem to be a bit previous given that baby hasn't arrived yet.

@PC:

My intuition is that you probably wouldn't be grateful for an invite to a kids' birthday party, either. This doesn't matter. People do different things. To be honest - few parents relish them and they're grateful that it's only their turn once a year.

Recently I was supposed to be at a formal, official dinner with various formal people, almost certainly mostly men. Not my thing at all! Where would I have found a suit, for a start? And would I *really* be expected to represent my company and drink at the same time? (The very thought of doing it sober...) It would have been pretty close to my idea of hell. They even had a guest speaker! I would have had no option other than to simply not show up.

(in the end I didn't have to go for other reasons)

@Fizzy:

Surely nowadays, thanks to St Michael of Leary, the traditional stag night involves a trip to Dublin, The 'Dam or Prague? (a friend in Prague says she won't go near the centre of a weekend because of all the guys who think she'll be remotely interested in practising her already perfect English with some eejit who's forgotten how to speak it).

In Glasgow, hen nights involve women staggering around in raunchy nurses' outfits with stetsons and inflated condoms.

I wind up at kids's birthday parties all the time- nieces, nephews, and a handful of kids's friends. There are usually plenty of adults present, as well.

I'm typically not pleased at invitations to any formal events, or to work parties, especially if alcohol will be served (I'm not a big drinker in general, but I have a strict policy about not doing anything in front of co-workers that could get me fired).

There are similar things to hen nights, here. Called "bachelorette parties". I've never been to one myself, but they're pretty common.

Their purpose, at least the ones I have heard of, seem to be about getting shitfaced and having one last chance to cheat on one's soon-to-be spouse.

Hah Ed,

Belfast on a Friday night has more than it's fair share of nurses, nuns and cowgirls courtesy of the orange airline, I assume. Those outfits appear to be unisex although the men seem to prefer to wear them.

Haven't we been through enough?

I expect our tourist board is delighted to welcome one and all - I'd prefer they were more selective.

Years ago, about 9 and half in fact, I was invited to a girly party by my work colleages. I didn't really want to go, although I daren't tell the hostess, and everyone was saying how good it would be.I thought I'd make up some silly excuse on the day and not have to go. My partner (now hubby) insisted I go ' You've not been out for ages, I'll take you and pick you up later' said he. I reluctantly went. When I got there panic started to set in. *Everyone* has wrapped s and cards 'Oh my gods' thought I. 'It's someones birhday and I haven't brought anything' Panic is putting mildly

I needen't have worried, after my glass of weak wine, it was announced that it was my baby shower. Everyone knew - even hubby (someone had sneaked his mobile number from my phone) It was the best party I went to that year. My collegages were mightly generous and I still think of all them with love because of that. (They knew I had nothing and couldn't really afford anything)

Oh I forgot to mention, I was 8 months pregnant at the time

That was very kind of them!

I usually wander in to work showers, as they're typically during working hours so there's no excuse not to unless I am swamped with work. The only one I've ever missed was the one at my previous employer, for a woman's fifth child. Showers really are meant for the first... I can see if the first was one gender and the second (or subsequent) was the other. But for girl #5, it seemed a bit... acquisitive.

I *do* have two older boys, but they were 6 and 5 and lived their Dad.

K was little bonus* and I had nothing. Ex gave me some 'special' clothing items, which was very sweet of him, considering**

I never let a work do pass me by after that. I always went and gave s as appropriate.


*I 'discovered' I was 4 and half months pregnant, 5 months into a relationship with now hubby - I thought it would scare him rigid, but he was overjoyed.


**I left my ex for my (now) hubby - horribly complicated, but, the best thing I ever did, Srsly.