h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have a journal entry that has been a long time coming. I guess I am looking for feedback, though I'm not entirely sure what I'll be able to do with it.

As the "holiday season" (ugh) is upon us, I once again despair of what to do about plans involving family members- K's family, anyway. Specifically, one particular cousin.

Used to be Thanksgiving was at my grandma's house, Xmas Eve at K's folks with his dad's family and Xmas Day at his aunt's with his mom's side. My grandma died a couple years ago, last year my uncle did Thanksgiving but this year he's going to a cousin of his that I avoid. Xmas Eve the last few years, K and I have done at home, for ourselves. And mainly to avoid a cousin who may be present at Thanksgiving at K's folks' place this year.

Let me tell you all why I avoid her and see what you think. First, a few years ago she got married to some dude from her bible study- the same one she *hounded* K to attend by calling our house (and his old place) all the time, in spite of knowing he was not interested. She mailed the invitation to our home- we had lived together for at least three years at that time, I think it was four- and addressed it to "Mr K and GUEST". Bitch.

Then, last year, when my mom died, she sent a "sympathy" card with such nasty comments as that my mother is "better off" dead and in a "better place". Because being in a concrete box in the safe in my dad's garage is better than sitting in her easy chair, gorging on chocolate and potato chips () and watching old TV shows on DVD. Whatevs. And the point isn't that the believes in all that religious bulshit, it is that she knows that we do NOT.

I've been avoiding and blanking her for years. I told K that if anyone is to confront her, it must be him, as he is the blood relative and I am the "interloper", so to speak. I *know* he supports me fully, but he's too non-confrontational to defend me.

What do I do about this Thanksgiving dinner? I want to say screw it and go to a restaurant, or just stay home.

Just go to a restaurant. Or just surreptitiously set fire to said cousin while backs are turned.

So you don't think I am over-reacting or "reading too much into it"? I've discussed with SIL and MIL and they assure me that cousin is as sweet as can be, just Loves The Lord, and wouldn't be rude to anyone.

Could've fooled me.

It's probably a cultural thing. Anyone round these parts acting in such an overtly religious manner would be looked at very suspiciously indeed.

I personally feel really sorry for her. When K's (and her) grandmother died six years ago, she literally crawled into the gurney with the corpse and *screamed* about the devil stealing her gramma. She's scary!

But she follows me around reading scripture!

Last time we were at my in-laws' and she made an appearance, I rather effectively blanked her, but that was a different kind of gathering from a holiday dinner at table.

Ugh.

Both K and I have outgrown all that religious crap from our youth, but some people get worse as they get older.

To me, it would make a big difference on the way it's done. If it's being done, well, to make a point - to shove your godless noses in it - I just wouldn't have her around me.

If it's being done because, well, she cares and she expresses it religiously because that's who she is and it's her way of showing it, I'd probably just be amused. It wouldn't bother me at all.

But it seems to be a bit more of the former.

Yep, definitely the "wouldn't have her about me" category for that one.

That's the rub- I don't know her well enough to tell and K's too peacemaking to tell me. he just says he's on my side and if I want to avoid her completely, we will- she gets on his too. Bless him.

But I feel kind of petty asking ahead of time if she's coming to something just so we can avoid her, ya know? Like maybe it would be better to suck it up, let her be rude again, and then deal with it directly with her after the fact (and not then and there, to spare his folks, who I adore, some bother).

(I should add that I avoid my dad and uncle's cousin and her hubby's things only because she invites dozens of people and, while I can deal with crowds on trains, at restaurants, and at gigs, I am not keen on holiday dinners on that scale. They're too ambitious and most of those attending are too weird.

If it was me, I'd probably go for the "at home with K" option - leave self-inflicted misery for the religious one.

I'm lucky in that while there's a whole branch of the family I wouldn't share a building with, the clan's so big I rarely would have cause to...and since everyone else knows well what they are like, they never get far with causing shit, try as they might.

It's a pity she wasn't so keen on avoiding you two. That would be a perfect solution!

Just ask her 'what would Jesus do?'

He wasn't a bit fussy about the people he hung out with so why on earth should she be so bothered? Is she in some way better than him? That usually shuts them up.

Personally, I'd confront but I see what you mean about playing the diplomat. If you really can't go and bite your tongue then I'd give it a miss.

I'm sure that was no help, just telling what you know, either confront or don't but probably best to decide beforehand.

I'm just paranoid about confronting... as an "outsider". But I suppose as now (since June 25!) I am legally and otherwise part of the family, I now have at least a right to defend myself.

Sounds like an unpleasant person to have to deal with. How awful. Maybe there's someone you can ask if she's coming or not who won't take it the wrong way.

I'm inclined to say 'just don't go.'

If pressed for a reason, say politely that you don't get along with Cousin It, that if you were in the same room there could be an unpleasant clash, and that as it's Thanksgiving you think everyone else would be thankful not to have discord in the room.

Or you could go along, having had a mystical experience in the night; this would enable you to see the foul fiends of hell on Cousin It's shoulders and point these out to everyone. I suggest reading 'The Crucible' for tips on how to do this most effectively.

On balance, it's probably simplest not to go.

when she starts, remind her that it should be those who are without sin who cast the first stone.

remind her that jesus was mates with a prostitue and a tax collector, and that he loved everybody nomatter what.

the tell her to off.

mini

I'd be inclined to firstly ask - pointedly - if the cousin will be there, having first indicated vaguely that I wanted to go. Then I'd suddenly, and theatrically, say 'oh sorry, no I can't make it' if it transpired that the cousin would be there.

And if pressed I would explain why, in exactly the way you have explained here.

KB probably hit it on the head with his either or reason for her being like that. For me it is either she is being rude or she is being obnoxious. For all you know, the rest of the family put up with it through gritted teeth.

If someone followed me reading passages out of anything I didn't want to hear, they would get one polite request to desist. Followed by one very loud with as many witnesses as possible request to desist. Followed by a, probably loud and hopefully with lots of witnesses, promise that if it did not immediately stop that I would drag her lungs through her nostrils with my crochet hook.

Unfortunately we had a family member fairly similar to this (different thing though, it was a kind of made-up religion). It worked a treat for me even though everyone now edges round me nervously at family gatherings if I start to get a bit tetchy.

It seems a shame to miss out on family events because of one person though.

Yes, that's what I'm thinking. If you want to see the rest of them, don't let one person spoil your fun.

OK, thanks everyone. I'm especially appreciative of suggestions to express interest in attending and then offer regrets if in fact Cousin It will be in attendance.

If I do decide to lump it and she's there, it is indeed possible to continue ignoring her like I did last time she was around. And I'll bring a crochet hook just in case.

If it were me, I'd not ignore her, I'd mess with her head. Ask her whether she has let the flying spaghetti monster into her life yet.

I'll invite you to come with next time I expect to run into her.

Happy news... K just clarified that while we were invited (though no one ever told me, so I don't call that an invitation) and Cousin It won't be there, he'd gleaned from some discussion that I wanted to stay home, and so we are doing just that.