Journal Entries
Leaving h2g2
Posted Sep 26, 2002
I'm leaving h2g2 and disassociating myself from everyone I associate with h2g2 (if that makes sense). Dont ask questions, it's not like anyone cares anyway.
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Latest reply: Sep 26, 2002
A song that agrees with me
Posted Aug 24, 2002
i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
Why I'm writing this, I dont know, its just been going around my head for ages. Helps put current situations into perspective as well.
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Latest reply: Aug 24, 2002
*cries*
Posted Aug 21, 2002
If I dont wake up tommorrow, let the world rejoice.
"Hooray, Marcus the insensitive non-caring substance-abusing waste of space is gone."
I haven't the guts to slit my wrists, Ive had the same lighter in and out of my mouth for the last hour or so. I dont want to live yet Im too afraid to die, how more lowly and pathetic can I get?
*sighs* Maybe Ill get lucky.
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Latest reply: Aug 21, 2002
Hmpf
Posted Aug 12, 2002
Im only constantly writing on h2g2 at the mo because I have no other way of socialising on the net due to lack of msn and the like. So dont worry, Ill stop harrassing you all when I get home.
I broke down in the hotel yesterday. I went all tense and had the key in my hand so it dug into my arm and scored it. She also found out about some other of my new "habits". Now my mum is threatening to send me back to the psychologist which is lame. I never told them anything anyway and threw the medication away.... I was doing so well and then something like this happens
Suz, providing you read this, can I see you when I get back then? *spends 2 mins trying to find the asterix key on an italian keyboard then flutters eyelids*.
I have loads of mosquito bites, which is also very lame.
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Latest reply: Aug 12, 2002
So little time.
Posted Aug 8, 2002
Argh, I wanted/could write about 100 pages, but I have about 10 mins so here goes:
I finally admitted to my mum about my abusive brother. When we were moved into separate rooms, I decided to forget and deny the past, but this holiday had been just argh, horrible. He started his sincere threats to kill me again last night and I had kind of "flashbacks" and ended up running around the hotel crying and screaming. Hm
A brother can be a lot worse than any drunkard abusive stepdad. Ever since he was about 13, he has been an amature weightlifter and boxer. Hes been dishing out sincere death threats since I was about 5; hes tried getting me on illegal drugs; hes got gangs to beat me; hes beat me himself- thrown me across walls, pinned me down and spat on me. I told my parents before, but they perceived me as naive back then. "Boys will be boys" and all that, grr. My grandparents have always perceived him as an angel. He used to point out the bruises and scars he had given to me and asked me in front of them where I had got them from. I could go on all night, but hm. Hes made me feel pointless and lowly (which to be honest, I am). I used to pray that I wouldnt turn out like him, now that thought reccurs repeatedly, like a broken record that never turns off, I hate him, with good intent. (Theres so much more I could say, but its best to keep it short I suppose).
On lighter notes:
1. I wrote a song about ppl I know on h2g2. It has a verse on amy, hammy and suz. I havent got time to type it all out, and I would of forgotten it by tommorrow, hm.
2. I hate americans (with the exception of amy of course
). Ive met about 200 this week and they have all been whiny, spoilt, loud mouthed brats. Argh.
3. I touched Cool Japanese Girl Who Is Actually From Malaya today. Shes so cool, I also said hello. I have no confidence *Sobs*. Im such a creep. She goes away to Sicily tommorrow, lame. I havent found any japanese kareoke bars yet, hm.
I'm so lonely, all my friends pity me, I want to go home, *cries*
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Latest reply: Aug 8, 2002
LexWest(deceased)
Researcher U190794
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