h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

While I was in Denmar psychiatric clinic, I thought about what LeKZ did, and the first weekend that I was allowed to go out with my parents, I sat down and wrote this next piece. I did not then know about the 'Willem Love Collective' ... I only knew that LeKZ wanted their 'Mourning Becomes Electra' page to become a 'Meditations Park', similar to what the 'Willem Love Collective' is right now. I did not alter the text - this is what it read back when I first wrote it. I wanted my father to post it there, but he had difficulties navigating h2g2, and with my email, and did not get to it. Now that I can do so myself, I posted it there, and will post a copy here as well. Here it is:

'Meditations Park'

Okay ... I really appreciate it that this space is still here. Yes, I *really* would like to see the last messages I left here, and also what my friends told me here.

I like the idea of turning it into a Meditations Park. I *don't* want it to be just lots of tributes to me ... though I do appreciate the kind words of everybody. I want to give my support to LeKZ's idea to make it a place where people can seek peace and comfort. I will try, from here, to contribute to that, if the editors approve. I don't know how that can be done, though ... suggestions are welcome. I will try and post a weekly message of love, peace, hope, courage, and inspiration from here with the help of my father and mother and whatever other people I can find to help me communicate from here in Denmar. Anybody who's feeling hurt, or disappointed, or afraid, or alone, or sad, or uncertain, or confused, can come and read and, I hope, feel better. People tell me I'm good with that sort of thing, and I'm just going to take their word. I would like it if other people also helped out. My situation does not allow me to actually *talk* (I mean online talking) to people, person to person, when they need talking to. But there are lots of wonderful people on h2g2 who can do that ... the people who actually helped me in my need, the people who would have helped had they known ... I am now out of danger, I am not in need any more, thanks to them. But there are still many other people on h2g2 who *are* in need, to lesser or greater degrees. And LeKZ are right ... I am really overwhelmed by all the messages of love and support that I got ... they're much too much for me alone ... and I care enough about the h2g2 community, and people in general, to want the same love, or even greater, deeper, more intense love, to be extended to as many people as possible. It horrifies me to see how little appreciation there is for human lives, in so many places. I've been blinded by the evil that I've seen and known ... but it is true what so many others said: Life, the Universe and Everything are all actually quite wonderful. People too. Let's try and see that, and believe that, and show that, just a little bit more.

Sorry, I'm still a bit dazed ... that's about as close to inspirational as I can get right now without getting completely corny-cliché enclutched and encrusted. For the moment, I hope this forum I started can become a little nice place for a while until somebody can set up somethingh better. I have no idea of it would at all be possible to do that on the 'Mourning Becomes Electra' space ... well, actually, I know the Editorial Team can do it since they can do just about anything that they want, on h2g2, but it would be presumptuous of me to ask them. Maybe somebody can start a Guide Entry linked to this space... or maybe people can just voluntarily start lots of conversation threads on this space ... whatever works.

One thing I really, really want ... whatever final form it takes, that LeKZ be acknowledged for their contributions. It was their idea, the Meditations Park. LeKZ also did an incredible lot to help me stay alive. They contacted people ... they made *lots* of phonecalls to South Africa ... to the University of the North, to MWeb, and they talked to the Pretoria Police for *forty-five minutes* ... you rich people may not be aware of this, but that is frigging *expensive* ... LeKZ aren't actually rollingh in money, and as somebody who is also not employed, and having to live life on a meagre budget, I am aware of what a huge actual *sacrifice* those many overseas calls might have entailed. Anyways, the making of them, in and of itself, could not have been pleasant. I know that these calls were all futile and incredibly frustrating. After that, LeKZ came online here on h2g2 because they knew I'd come here, and they helped the other people to help me. Like I said, I did and also did not want to die ... and everybody who had something to say back to me helped to push the balance towards life rather than death. I am sure LeKZ did a lot to help get people involved ... and continue to do so.

That Sunday morning LeKZ stayed up until well past eleven o'clock here, which is three o'clock in the morning in Colorado, where they live. Afterwards they contacted my parents and sent them messages of support, and also information that we all appreciate. They also help with forwarding messages from people and helping my father out with helping me stay in touch. They did, and do, all of that *despite* having lots and lots and lots of problems of their own, and of other people over there in America, to concern themselves with.

I know that LeKZ were not at all in positive frames of mind to begin with, and learning about what I intended to do, and speaking to me that Sunday morning, must have caused them distress beyond what just about anybody could endure. I care about them a huge lot. I did not want them to know until after, and I was hoping that, along with all the people who died in the WTC and Pentagon attacks, my death would not seem so significant. After all, what is the difference between 20 000 and 20 001???

But anyways, LeKZ learned what I intended, came online, and talked to the others and then to me. What made the *crucial* difference is this: their kidz came out, talked to me, and refused to be blocked.

*Irrespective* of what anyone else may think of LeKZ ... to me their kidz are actual, real children, mostly about two years old. I have been talking to them a lot and formed a very clear idea of their nature. I had not heard from them in a very long time and I was really missing them. So, when they came out ... it was just not possible for me to go through with it. There was *no way* that I would have been able to blow my brains out in fron t of children whom I loved. So I tried to get LeKZ to block the kidz, but was unsuccessful, and then at last my parents arrived ... and of course, I also could not have done it in front of them, either.

So: I am still alive now because: 1) I let Jenny know what I intended ... we are quite close and I had already let her know about some of my problems before and I felt I owed it to her to let her know, so she would know if I was dead. The problem with online communities and friendships is that you don't see people's physical bodies, you don't really know how they are, or even exactly where they are, so they could die and unless somebody else who could verify it, physically, told you, you wouldn't even know they were dead. They could have merely lost interest, or change their address, or lost their internet access. I felt my online friends ought to have known if I was dead, and not wonder why they suddenly did not hear from me any more. Of course, I would not have been able to send the message *after* I was dead, and I knew there were no people close to me who would have been able to contact my online friends. That's why I told Jenny. 2) I also posted parting messages to both my active h2g2 userspaces so as to not place the burden on Jenny alone. 3) People saw my messages ... which I intended ... and contacted LeKZ, which I did not intend. 4) LeKZ came back to h2g2 and 7 of 9 let them stay ... which of course I had no idea could/would happen. 5) Sunday morning I logged on just to see if people had noticed, and because I was worried that maybe they would be too worried, and of course I saw that they were way too worried ... 6) I tried to send messages to try to explain, or reassure people, or scare them off, but the server was too slow and I could not accomplish much. 7) I quickly saw that LeKZ were back on h2g2 and knowing about their unhappinesss I did not want to make them unhappier ... but I also desperately wanted to end my own unhappiness. I was in a Catch 22. They talked to me by email as well, but h2g2 was a very important part of our communications. 8) Their kidz came out. That started to resolve the Catch 22. 9) They, and all the others who talked on h2g2 and sent emails, kept me busy until my parents arrived. 10) After my parents arrived I talked mainly to them ... that finally resolved the Catch 22 and I gave up the gun, went to the doctor and got a shot, came back, wrote my final messages, including the one here, and then my folks took me to Denmar clinic. So, I am still alive, and I hope still able to make a positive difference for a while longer yet. And I want to say that I really would appreciate it if this page could continue to be a significant part of that.

That is what I wanted to say, back then. Of course, now the function of the 'Meditation Park' is fulfilled by the 'Willem Love Collective' page, and there is a link to the 'Mourning Becomes Electra' space from there. LeKZ also have a link to the 'Willem Love Collective' space on their own site, and there's also a link to their site on the 'Willem Love Collective' page, so about that I am happy. I still miss them ... we haven't actually talked yet since I've come back.
Like I said, the previous text also appears on the 'Mourning Becomes Electra' page.

Not commenting on anything else, and this is confused, but anyway...

The difference between 20 000 and 20 001 is 1. While it's almost beyound us to think of 20 000 deaths, the death of 1 is something we very easily can relate to. No matter whom of the 20 001 the 1 is, the 1 is important. All 20 001 of the 1's. 1 makes a big difference.
Erm...

Glad you're back!

as always, willem, your writing makes me appreciate my life. thank you.

(Tears of love, not tears of sadness)

B