h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster. I got to the after school club to pick up little , to be taken aside by the scheme organiser, who told me that there had been some kind of incident involving him at the school, although she didn't know the details. There was also another incident in the crocodile on the way to the after school club, when he was being kicked by someone behind him. He was put to the front of the crocodile, without his friends, which he saw as a kind of punishment and an unfair one. Once at after school club, he had thown his after school food, bag and all, in the bin and thrown all the contents of his bag all over the floor. He was extremely upset.

I tried to get him to come to me and there was a whole rigmarole with him hiding and running awaym which lasted for ages. I put my things and his in the car so that I had both hands free. Eventually he ended up in the school curled up on a soft cushion and whimpered every time he was approached. Eventually, I managed to get him up and carried him towards the car. Then there was another bout of running and hiding, and a whole load of not wanting to get in the car and wanting to walk home alone - without his shoes, I might add.

I decided to stand by the car and wait for him. Another age later, he did climb in the car, but not before a lot of coming to me and running away and some swearing had taken place. Then a rigmarole about wearing his seatbelt, which he did eventually do up. I would say it took me over an hour to get him home, maybe approaching an hour and a half.

The staff were very patient. At one point I didn't know whether I would be able to get him to move at all. I'm not physically able to manhandle him any more - he's much too big and there isn't anyone locally that I can call on for help. It was very stressful. I phoned Roy to talk it through with him and that helped.

When I got home, the builders had removed the wall between the kitchen and the dining room. The room looks enormous, although it's very dusty. Because of how late I got in (I had really been looking forward to coming home early) and the trials and tribulations of the day, I've not had the energy to do any dusting and cleaning, nor trumpet practice. Again, I'm going to bed early.

I think the worst thing about it was feeling inadequate.

How is little now? Asleep I guees? I wonder if he's talking yet and you managed to find out what started all of this upset? Poor wee thing.

Life's really horrible sometimes - particularly when you're a child and feel out of control and unfairly treated. And particularly when you're a Mum trying to do the very best all the time for your son.

I hope he wakes up to the new day more relaxed and less anxious.


Fb

Oh, you have had a hard day. Very emotional too. You coped very well considering.

I don't think you need to feel inadequate. I am currently coping with someone with enormous emotional problems and it is very draining. You can only do your best. It must be harder though, being your son, and you sort of on your own. The fact that he is getting too big to 'manhandle' doesn't help either.

Did you manage to get to the bottom of what actually happened, or were things too fraught? It seems to have upset him greatly whatever it was.

You know, we set such store by housework and all the mundane daily things, but when push comes to shove, none of that matters. Just your son's wellbeing, and your health is all that really counts. The rest can be dealt with another day.

Go to bed and get some rest while you can. I hope little has settled so you can.

Let us know how you get on. Knowing what actually happened would help I imagine.

Take care,

Websailor

Hi Fb,

'feel out of control and unfairly treated' Yes - I think that about sums it up. Trying to help him get home where I could cope with him was what I most needed to do. On the school's territory it was much more difficult. I suppose he had a bigger audience and they were all expecting me to be able to deal with him easily.

He woke up reasonably fine this morning, apart from being tired and needing to do his homework. Last night he was in no fit state to.

Hi Websailor

The upset was caused by one of his friends teasing him at school, apparently about Doctor Who and then when they were walking crocodile style to the play club, someone was kicking him in the calves and he was sent to the front, away from his friends, which felt like a punishment for him (the perpetrator presumably getting away scott free). When I spoke with the play leader and I explained that he may be somewhere on the Autistic Spectrum Disorder (and I suppose we're all on it to some extent), she said that if he had a form of Aspergers, then he would react very strongly to unfairness. I have the ASD workshop to go to at the school next week, so I may find out more there.

'I am currently coping with someone with enormous emotional problems and it is very draining.' Yes, I fully empathise with that one.

'You know, we set such store by housework and all the mundane daily things, but when push comes to shove, none of that matters.' Yes - and for me there's an awful lot going on at the moment. The building work started the day before yesterday. Yesterday another wall came down - it will look brilliant when it's finished, but there's a fair amount of disruption still to go through. I have things at work. Two staff preganant - one already left - and trying to get personnel to move so that I can get maternity cover for their posts. A third staff with a termination date in two weeks and trying to get personnel to extend her contract for two months so that she can help with the workload until the posts are advertised and (hopefully) new funding for her post comes in. It's definitely a time of change.

Oh my goodness. That's a lot of pressure, ZSF. You need all the support you can get at the moment by the sounds of it. I hope we can help here, but I also hope you're getting help from family and friends?

If the play leader knew that little would react strongly to the unfairness given that he has Aspergers, then she must understand the syndrome. That's a great thing to know - and good for you telling her

Poor thing having to do homework in the morning. I hope he has a better day today.

Children can be very cruel indeed to any of their peers who don't fit in. My brother, who has Aspergers, was treated badly: my parents moved him to a school which was more sympathetic to children with 'difficulties' (as it was called in the 60s).

I had a conversation recently with my oldest school friend and we share the shame of standing back as one of our class was bullied because she came from a different family background to most of us I feel that standing back was as bad as perpetrating the bullying behaviour.

How long before little goes to his new school? Perhaps fresh faces, more understanding staff and children will help him. Thinking of you both and sending good thoughts across the world

Fb

Sometimes it is important to 'step in' above the authority figure that is there, if required.
The only problem is, if you step in over someone's head they don't always like it and 'one' could suffer serious repercussions.

Yes, Fb - it felt like a lot of pressure yesterday and yes, I'm appreciating all the support I'm getting. Family and friends - no - I've not told mum and dad, who are all the family I have - they're too far away and all it would do would be to worry them with no way for them to help. Also, they're a bit old to have heavy duty worries. As for friends, it's only Roy who knows. Yesterday, I saw there was a lovely American friend who is qualified in child psychology online via Skype and I was tempted to call him, but I wasn't really in a state to be that coherent. Actually, that's not true. I'm almost always able to be coherent. I didn't want to seem to be needy.

There was a secondary episode today. I got a call at work to come and fetch him, as he was being difficult in much the same way as yesterday. This time, I fortified myself, left all my bits and pieces in the car. However, it was much easier to deal with him. He wasn't nearly so stressed as yesterday and he came fairly easily to me, particularly when I had a set of housekeys to dangle in front of him. I'd promised earlier that he could walk home and let himself in with the housekeys. In the end, after a bit of shillying and shallying, he came home by car and did let himself in using the housekeys. There doesn't seem to have been an incident that provoked this, however I can imagine that his behaviour yesterday can't have been unnoticed by his classmates or the other children at afterschool club, so comments may have been made.

I agree that children can be very cruel to anyone who doesn't fit in. Certain parts of my schooldays were very difficult because of that very reason. It did even out over time.

I'm not sure how guilty you can be for standing by. I think that anyone who gets bullied in a way takes on all the difficult aspects of the class like a scapegoat.

Don't forget that unchallenged bullies were very powerful. If another child didn't join in the bullying or at least stand by and say nothing, then they were subjected to bullying themselves and ostracised. Most children wouldn't take the risk, I imagine.

Little goes to his new school in September. I think that's part of the problem; he's afraid of change and of losing touch with his friends. If he doesn have Aspergers or something like it, then change is very threatening, I'm told. Also, several of his teachers have told me that if he's seen to stand out, then when it gets to secondary school, the problems can get worse, and as far as I can see, it's more easy for a child to get lost within the system. I feel it's very important that I get help in sorting out whatever needs to be sorted out before he leaves primary school.

Did your brother's new school help, or was he exposed to other children who had behavioural difficulties - I think I would hate little to be put with 'difficult' children. Environment plays a huge part in who we are and other people, or who we associate with, are part of that.

Hi LS,

I don't think I need go above the play leader's head. She's wanting to help and support little , but is finding his behaviour challenging and she's not the only one. I was considering today who I could approach for help with behaviour management. I feel I ought not to need help, but I could do with it.

<>

Why ever not? Aspergers is difficult enough to deal with when you know exactly what to expect, and that can change from day to day.

I have a friend with an adult (29) son with Aspergers, and admittedly other severe problems, but even she is at a loss sometimes after years of it.

Perhaps all the upheaval at home is unsettling him a bit too. If he does have a tendency to any part of the autism spectrum, routine is often of paramount importance. Anything out of place is unsettling. I am sure he will settle down soon.

Remember in all this to take care of yourself my friend, it is all too easy to forget that.



Websailor

Hi Websailor

Roy says I tend to take the world on my shoulders and maybe I do. I wish I didn't.

I feel I ought not to need help because I feel I should be able to deal with anything that life throws at me. And I feel that everyone else expects that too. It might not be reasonable, but it's how I think. It might be something to do with the way I was brought up.

There were episodes in little 's past when his behaviour was more challenging. He would sit in the road and want to be run over. There never seemed to be a good reason, or if there was, then he wasn't saying. He's not done that or anything like it for a very long time - years. It may be that something has arisen that has brought out this tendency.

Yes, I think that the upheaval at home is unsettling him, in addition to the unease he feels from changing schools.

As for taking care of myself, there doesn't really seem time for me. Actually, that's probably not true. Taking the time to share my feelings with you is part of taking care of myself. Also at the moment, going to bed early seems to be a good idea. Not difficult, this one, I'm so tired.

Hi,

Hope you managed to get a good night's rest. Have a good weekend.

We're here if you need us, though I think Frenchbean has probably gone AWOL for now!!

I think you are right. It is the way you (we) were brought up. Still can't shake it off, but I am better than I used to be. What a pity experience doesn't come till it's nearly too late



Websailor

Hi Websailor

I seem to have got into a pattern of waking up at 12.30am and then again at around 3.30am, which is what happened again last night. I went into work dog-tired and came home at lunchtime and just went to bed.

Little had football practice tonight and for the first time, I gave him a key to get in with. He came home on his own - it's a much easier journey from school than from after-school club. I heard him coming - "Woohoo", he said on approaching the door.

'What a pity experience doesn't come till it's nearly too late' I think experience comes when it's good and ready. Can't hurry it.

Possibly one thing that comes from this kind of experience is compassion for others. I suspect if I hadn't gone through difficult times, I couldn't be as compassionate. In all likelihood, I'm not yet as compassionate as I could be, but I'm getting better.

I really appreciate the support.

Hope you sleep better tonight. Camomile tea, a lettuce sandwich, lavender on your pillow, take your pick

I agree a rough ride in life does make most of us more compassionate, but not everyone. It has certainly made me more considerate and aware of other people's porblems.

The only thing is, it is often easier to solve other people's problems than our own!

Sleep tight, lots of and things will look better in the morning.



Websailor

Morning, Websailor

Well, the pattern continues - a little later - 12.40am and 4.30am. I came home at lunchtime yesterday and went to bed, so this morning, I feel a bit less tired. There's a fair amount of work to do to clear up from the week's work. Lots of dust to clear.

I had a chat to little yesterday, and told him that he is going through change at the moment from a child to a young man and that what he's going through is quite normal. I'll be there for him.

Websailor

another "wrong number" phoned me last night.
He was looking for a dead person.



Somehow I don't think it was a wrong number.
Which directory did he find that one from?

Thanks, Websailor

Feeling better this morning. Went back to bed for half an hour after breakfast and it made all the difference.

LS - quite possibly whoever got the wrong number - and I think you're suggesting the person knew who you were - if it was deliberate - is likely to have dialled randomly. A repetition of calls perhaps means that the person thinkk s/he has got someone s/he can frighten/annoy. When I had someone on who 'went off on one' - getting hysterical (it was a woman and I had no idea who she was or what whe was talking about) - I just left the phone off the hook while she was on. I understand it will have racked up her phone bill and certainly meant she couldn't phone again from the same phone whilst I had mine off the hook. It worked, and I wasn't bothered again.

How can you explain all the stuff that went on in Asda today then?
Their music is clearly annoying.

A quick drop into an internet cafe to say hello ZSF

Try some music at bedtime... some meditation music can help. And put it on again if you wake in the night

I'm glad that little seems a bit more settled - and maybe the weekend will be helping too?

Websailor is so wise All her words make sense. You're in good hands.

I'll check back when I'm home again. In the meantime, look after yourself and that fishlet.


Fb

You might even like to try a little you music you've never heard before.