h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oh kaz.i'll go check and see if i e-mailed you.I know i went to my e-mails to do it,but i can't recall if the children arrived in the middle of it!!If that happened then i would have closed it down,i need to concentrate!!!
Are you going to sell the things you make??You'll have to put some pictures up,then i can have a look....i love crystals!!!Glad you've got a "nice" ache,you're sounding good !!

Hi Smurfles, I can imagine if your children arrived, it would go out of your head! Especially if they were after Easter eggs, I don't think kids of any age stop wanting those.

I shall definately take pictures of the stuff I make. They take a while though, as I can only do a few crystals at a time. I am looking towards selling stuff on a craft stall, I rather like the look of it so far though! Its just lovely to create something when you feel down and are hurting and can't get about anymore. I sometimes wonder whether I will ever see my Mum again, I am sure I will, especially after the results of my exercise yesterday, it worries me though.

I work hard these days on being optimistic, no matter how I feel. I can sometimes really turn my mood around. Its hard work and takes a lot of discipline, as my natural state for so many years has been depression, but I seem to be getting somewhere at last!

Take care

oh how I wish this would stop. Every week on average a panic attack, I feel more and more detached from the world, sound goes away, sensation goes away.

I want to bethere for my Mum aand I even like my Dad now, but I cannot stop remembering. Without the abuse there would be no ptsd, there would be no constant pain, constant fear, I would be able to walk properly.

I tried to get help from my gp, but he is authorititive, dismissive of abuse and triggers me. I wrote to the practise manager, begging for help, she suggested I change practise - there is no other practise. Nothing would make me go back there now, whether a lump or what.

I want this to stop.

I try so hard, so disciplined, I keep going, but so often, I break inside, I have to start again, this happens every week.

I know I would be so much happier if I could have broken contact with my parents, but I left it too late and now I can't. I have no friends, I am an only child. Moonglum is all I have, I need my parents to be in my life, but their presence hurts so very very much.

I know there are people here who think I suffer because I choose to, I brought it all on myself, if only that were true.

I wish I could cut out my mind, my memories.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this, other than Moonglum, just to give him a break, he is already my carer for my physical ailments, I wish he wasn't all I had, he has to deal with so much.

I wish this could stop, but it won't, it never does. There is no answer, no friendship to help. As usual I am on my own, to pick it up again on my own and keep going, until the next time. I try so hard and it never stops.

Husband got home at nearly 10 last night, too late to talk, hes working today and saturday. The after effects of a long panic attack are hurting today, I hate that sudden spasms of muscles around the upper back and chest. At one time I thought it was a heart attack, but it is just muscle spasms brought on in my case by stress.

After all that stress and pain I just feel numb today, 2 hours sleep. My crystals arrived and I don't care.

When had more sleep I shall start the long process of building up again, of refilling my glass again until it is half full. again.

Last time I felt like this, I was grieving. I don't know what I am grieving for though, maybe my life.

All my life I have desired to drink during the day. However I always abstained, unless at a social event. Today I gave in and am now drinking wine. For the first time, I couldn't fight it. I thought I would always be strong enough to fight this urge, oh well I was wrong. I am sure it isn't important though and doesn't mater.

I feel sure the sun is over the yardarm by now (whatever that means!).

At one time a few years ago I was coming home from taking my son to school and wondering how soon I could have my first drink. Like you, I managed to resist until at least late afternoon. I'm glad that period of my life is over, but it does mean that when I'm down I stay away from drink entirely.

Due to long periods on pain killers, I very rarely drink. When I do, I drink tiny amounts out of small glasses. I have always felt I could become an alcoholic and so never drank until I was having tea, I have always been very disciplined about it.

Today I gave up and am now drunk and am now going back to bed. Thanks for your reply, Mina, but I know this is very serious for me. That I gave in worries me a lot, I htought I was gettig better and to give in now, shows me I have made no progress at all.

Oh how I want all this to stop. Dealing with the memories was bad enough, now to be disabled because of it, and yet trying to have anormal relationship with parents, knowing I can't get out anymore, can't get away to woods or anywhere. I have had enough.

Moonglum is trying to pas his driving test, but he has failed twice. he wants to be able to drive me to places I cannot get to anymore. Bearing in mind I often cannot sit down and often cannot bear the pain of a seatbelt (I know that from all teh taxis we have to take). But its my only chance to get anywhere again, like the sea or anywhere out of croydon.

Everytime he fails, we have to borrow to pay for more lessons and its another 2 months to teh next test. Everytime, his instructor says he needs friends to give him extra practice, but they all say no.

I am desperate to get a little of my life back, Ihave no garden, I cannot even get outdoors without being well enough to walk somewhere. I can't even just go outdoors and sit down, I feel so trapped.

I want to give up, thats why I am drinking and thats why its actually very serious that I have got to tjis point.

I really cannot deal with what my life has become.

You know a few people here have said that because I have a husband nothing can get too bad. I wonder how much these people would be prepared to give up, just to have a magical husband. I am very happy to have Moonglum in my life, but there is a lot I donot have in my life.

Imagine being scared of people but loving to go outdoors, but not having a garden, so you cannot get outdoors. Oh and even if you feel brave enough, somdays you cannot walk anyway due to pain. I cannot imagine the joy in having a garden, a private place to sit outside, to get away from our one room.

Aside from teh few people I talk to here, I have no friends, no social life. I talk to Moonglum and my Mum. My mum loves to talk about health problems but I cannot tell her the whole story behind mine obviously. All the people out there who think I am so lucky to have a husband, can you imagine what it is like to never get to talk to anyone else?

To not be able to get out anymore.

Not be able to walk far, or sometimes at all, when walking was your fav exercise.

I love nature, I can't get to it anymore.

I was learning to cope with teh emotional/mental problem, I never thought they would develop nto physical problems and leave me disabled. With a doctor who I am scared of and a practise manager who keep ssugested I leave.

I am begiing to wonder, what do I have to live for?

All those who envy me my husband, is that enough?

No friends, no social life, no getting outside much, no getting away, no one to talk to. No one to talk shallow stuff to. No going anywhere different, the coast, visiting relatives. No garden, just a one room flat with one window facing north, where you need to keep the light on most of teh day, because its so dark. but according to some people I kjwo here, none of that matters because I have a husband.

Well I am getting to the point, wher he will be free soon, so be ready to grab him whilst he is still grieving, becaue i really cannot bear thids life anymore.

In mu utter desperation I am know I am losing the few people here that do talk to me, I will soon be leaft with no-one here.

I need to drink a bit more and then I can take 4 co-codomol, which pretty much guarentees all this will be over. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live this life anymore either.

I never asked to be agorophobic, have IBS and then be unable to walk at a decnet pace, but its amazing how many people dump you when they realise you are not normal and they will have to slow down and wait at a few loo doors. No-one thinks I am worth that, no-one at all, except Moonglum, poor guy, I wish I had friends, just to give him a break. But people don't like ill people. Have a break down and everyone leaves you behind. Become disabled and they all go away, they know I can't keep up anymore.

You know I understand that the few people I know here are not close friends. I don't have nay of those. I don't expect you guys to listen or care, this is close friend stuff afterall.

I won't get anything from here, so I am signing off.

I appreicate you guys and I know I ask too much. Maybe one day someone will like me enugh to care enough, but I dpon't expect it now. I don't know what my future holds, or even if I have one. So good luck you lot.

Its too sad and desperate to be here desperately waiting for someone to care and talk to me, I shall get worse waiting for nothing, so its best I bit the bullet and accept I will get nothign and leave.

If you’re feeling in despair or suicidal, it could make all the difference to talk to someone about how you are feeling. You could talk to your GP/family doctor, or to someone who is trained to help? Medical professionals and counsellors are there to help you deal with the problems that you are experiencing.

Please try to speak to your GP, or talk to someone at the Samaritans, you can call or email the Samaritans at any time. The Samaritans’ contact details are:

The Samaritans
Telephone: 08457 90 90 90
Website: http://www.samaritans.org/index.html
Email: [email protected]

if you knew anything about my situation you would know that my GP is part of the problem.

So many people say see your GP as though its the answer to everything, they never say what to do when your GP refuses to treat you anymore.

I am disgusted to get this sort of 'advice' from a stranger.

I won't be back.

hey kaz..i have e-mailed you,and got your reply,and e-mailed again.
I think the posting from auntie beeb(hope i got that right)was only from concern at your postings,which were quite desperate at the time.It's nice that someone cares,and obviously if you haven't "chatted" to her before,she doesn't know about the situation with your GP.I do hope you'll be back,as she said you need to talk about these feelings,and even if it's on H2,it's good if it helps you.

Sorry to hear all this Kaz, although I have to say that you are taking things personally that really aren't personal - the friends you've asked to help Moonglum to learn to drive - if they are all like me and many miles away with busy lifes and responsibilities that they can't drop to take a two-four hour round trip (plus lesson) on a regular basis, or they can't afford to not only add a learner to their own insurance but can't take the risk there would be an accident in their own car, then they don't really have a choice but to say 'sorry, but no'.

There are cars that can be driven on a motorbike licence, maybe not the sort of car that ideally you'd have, but then there would be no need for expensive lessons to help you to get out and about.

The comments about driving were not aimed at you Mina. I understand you are saying not to take some things personally, but until you have experienced the frustration of limited mobility, that is something which is easier to say rather than to do. In December I could walk anywhere I wanted, there was a lot of pain but I was still mobile. It is taking me a lot to get used to the fact that I have now lost that mobility. It was one thing to live in permanent pain with various things like agorophobia to deal with. Now I also have to deal with not being able to get out anywhere, and having no idea of how long that may last.

I find that if people have not experienced certain things in life such as disability, they do seem unable to put themselves in other peoples situations. So I am not bothered that of all the difficulties I have had to deal with lately that you concentrated on advising me to be more logical about one thing. Thanks for the support.

Thanks for your thanks. I only selected one thing to mention as I've no experience of living with people with disabilities, or had anything to do with anyone who had physical disabilities. No, of course I haven't.

Well on that sarcastic note I hope you deleted me once and for all from your friends list. How I wish I had never bothered making contact again, after you decided that my agorophobia was just me having a laugh and making excuses. You showed your true colours then. To 'help' a friend suffering from depression and coming to terms with disability in this manner, show you were never a friend. Compassion is such a hard thing to show isn't it?

But it's ok for you to dismiss me with lies though? I never said your agrophobia was you 'having a laugh'. I didn't like it because you kept cancelling meets at the last minute, and so yes I thought you were just making excuses, but that's because you never came out and actually said to me it's because you were agrophobic, and of course you'd managed the trip at least once before.

M mum's neighbour has suffered with that for a very long time. It takes her all her courage to just knock on my mother's door, and for about 20 years she wouldn't even do that, so yes it may have been hard for me to believe that you travelling across London and back out again, and then doing the same in reverse to see me was a symptom of agraphobia.

Also telling me you fancied me kind of made me want to cut down contact a bit so that I didn't lead you on, in exactly the way I've done for blokes in the past! And frankly that was the main reason - I felt you were trying to lure me into bed with all your talk of wanting to stay over at my house but wouldn't sleep in my son's room when he was away - as many other Researchers have managed to do in the past. So yeah, for a while I was suspicious of your intentions.

And every time we get over issues your paranoia chases me away again. So no, I don't know why I bother trying anymore.