h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

 It's the ultimate symbol of secret women's business,
and it has got me stumped. Maybe it's because I don't have one.
Maybe it's because I've never seen inside one.
Maybe it's because my mother never let me touch hers,
but I just can't work it out. What do women keep in their handbags?
Big, small, brown, white, yellow; every type of woman has one.
Handbags are as common as Doc Martins, and as varied as Levis.
But while I can understand what you need Docs and
Levis for (looking cool), the handbag remains a mystery to me.
I know what a man would carry in his handbag,
should he choose to buy one, having decided he could bear
the endless taunts from his male compatriots.
It would hold the latest report from head office,
a carton of Winnie Blues, and an emergency
beer with circular retro-thermo-retaining device (stubby holder).
That would be it. Keys go in your pocket,
so at midnight your partner doesn't catch you
standing on your doorstop searching through your handbag.
Wallet goes in your jacket, so your chest looks
a little more buff. And there'd be no point for a man
to put his lighter in the handbag, as it would make it
too difficult to pick-up women.
"Need a light?... I know it's in here somewhere...
let me just... no... I'll try the back pocket...'"
So what does a woman carry in her handbag?
It can't be make-up. I watch enough TV to know to know
that all make-up lasts 24 hours in the rain while
rubbing your face against a white cashmere jumper.
It can't be tampons, I read enough magazines to know
that tampon packets are now so beautiful that woman are supposed
to wear them on a chain around their neck.
And it can't be birth control, if every man has cracked
from the women around him badgering to get those sterilising
injections. Or maybe that's just me.
But it all leads to one simple conclusion;
that women carry around in their handbags
the latest report from head office,
a carton of Winnie Blues,
and an emergency beer with circular retro-thermo-retaining device.
Maybe secret women's business isn't so hard after all.