Journal Entries
Not again...
Posted Apr 25, 2003
My Granddad is going to die. He knows he's going to die, we know he's going to die, the doctor knows he's going to die - and there's absolutely nothing anyone can do about it.
His pills have stopped working - so the fluid is building up in his heart, and his feet are massively swollen (apparently - I don't get to see him till next weekend, we're 300 miles away). Basically - he's been in bad health since before my Nana died - but since she went, he's been getting progressively worse. The thing that is the worst, because it's such a blessing and a curse at the same time, is that he WANTS to go. He's been so lonely in my Nana died 2 years ago. We don't even know if it's going to be a few weeks or a few months.
When will it stop? People around me and connected to me are still dropping like flies - it's been going on for 2 years. I'm convinced I'm cursed.
I still can't cry. I really want to - but I just can't.
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Latest reply: Apr 25, 2003
I don't know...
Posted Apr 7, 2003
I have absolutely no idea what to do.
Parents and brother are just getting worse and worse. Somehow my brother getting a bad report is my fault. My irritation with my Dad making me watch crashingly boring documentaries when I'm in coursework panic - and talking over the only good bit, is apparently irrational. Somehow, I'm being anti-social by silently playing chess against my Palm m515 while everyone else quietly (apart from my dad) watches the TV in the same room.
I really *really* REALLY want to get out. However I don't have the means to get out - and it's only 5 months till I go to Uni. Another problem is, I know that my parents will have my relatives checking up on me all the time when I'm up there, and will be phoning me every five minutes. I just want to disappear and escape. My Mum even insists on posting my letters - so I can't even escape to Reading with my dearest IM - because she'll have made a note of his address.
So what do I do? If I stay - I'm going to go nuts. Yesterday after I found that everyone quietly left the house without telling me - I got so angry that they just ran off and left me, that there wasn't a wall in my house without my boot-mark on it somewhere. If I don't go, I've got to chuck in this years college work (I've already got a place at Uni) and I've got nowhere to go where they won't come after me.
I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. 
I haven't cried since my Dad's mum died (20th March 1996). I spent so many years at school making myself *not* cry - that yesterday, when I *really* needed to - I couldn't. I'm really not sure what to think - or what to do right now.
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Apr 7, 2003
Darn...
Posted Apr 5, 2003
Why do I keep doing such stupid things.
I am constantly trying to find things I've lost by running a "search" on my house!!! I'm not even at a computer when I do this. I stand up, and try to enter the search into some kind of invisible computer, hit the invisible "enter" key and actually expect something to appear in my field of vision that tells me where it is and how many instances it found!!! The problem is that untill nothing happens, I have done this entirely automatically AND EXPECT IT TO WORK!!!!
Some of the other things I've tried to:
copy and paste text out of a (hard-copy) book in to a Word document using my finger - and tried again when it didn't work the first time. transfer a file to another computer by sticking my finger in the floppy drive - only realising that it wouldn't work when it came up with "No Disk in A:\" use my finger as a mouse use my Palm m515 stylus to write with use my Palm pilot to turn my Minidisk player down
and many other equally stupid things. Problem is that I get so frustrated when it doesn't work!!! 
Discuss this Journal entry [2]
Latest reply: Apr 5, 2003
Missing...
Posted Apr 2, 2003
I'm missing IM (my better half). Big time. I haven't seen him for weeks and weeks, and it'll be at least another two weeks before I do see him again. Thus are the trials of having an SO who's at Uni while you're stuck 110.3 miles away, killing a forced Gap Year at college.
I just want to be with him. I'm missing his big warm hugs and his unique and wonderful presence. I love him to bits, despite being so distant so much of the time.
I love you IM, and will do for all time. Love conquers all.
Lifson
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Apr 2, 2003
Ouch ouch ouch...
Posted Mar 18, 2003
For the past 2 or 3 months, my shouders and arms have been hurting. Went to the doctor about a week ago, and he says that it's a result of me playing the bass Trombone too much, and not stretching enough.
So I've started doing the stretches, and resting it, and I've barely played at all apart from a run of 3 shows I couldn't drop at the last minute. So why are my arms still getting worse.
Yesterday I didn't go on the Law trip because they hurt so much, and today, I took the painkillers and spent all morning throwing up because you're not supposed to take Ibuprofen for more than 2 weeks, and I had them for about 2 months. I haven't had any for a fortnight, but the cumulative effect still seems to be there.
So do I take the pain or the painkillers? I dunno. I just wish it would all go away.
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Latest reply: Mar 18, 2003
Lifson Kofie
Researcher U176378
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