h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hmmm, I have noticed that you haven't journalled since your first entry. This is a concern as I have passed your first journal entry through the 'read-between-the-lines-and-find-out-the-truth-o-meter' (this is a piece of Microsoft software developed jointly with MI5, CIA, FBI, Interpol and the Keystone Cops (oh and the fat bloke with a tash from NYPD Blue) - so it must be infallible, when it isn't crashing).

Here is the truth:

You vacuumed your three marmalade covered house guests to death after strangling them with Schubert’s wife, Maria, and hid their bodies in a fridge. You then invaded Croatia with an army of cushions and icing sugar based biological weapons. Then to top it all you eloped with a strait-jacket clad seed cake and were married in a swimming pool with unnatural angles.

It's all here in black and white, you can’t deny it.

I am so disappointed, you were supposed to be looking after Colin.

Tut

I am undone!

Truth can be such a bummer.

Okay.*oh not again...* What do you want? Name your drop off spot and give me concise details of what your liaison agent will be wearing.

And I thought that Hindi love song would have thrown you off!
Couldn't you just retire at a normal hour like the rest of those lard eaters and leave well enough alone?*grumble-grumble*

Curses!

Curses!

Curses!




and a sweet goodnight!

*abruptly flees the room, slamming the door and speeds off on a Vespa into the night*

Heh Heh Heh

You are indeed undone, the mass choir of the cranefly are out for revenge, and they can't even carry a tune in a specially designed tune carrying tune carrier made in Tunesville on Tune Day under the supervision of St Tune.

However, because I like your sense of humour and your grace in the martial art of Hu Va Vak Uum, I am prepared to sell you a pair of craneflyproof ear plugs for the mere sum of Western Europe and South America, but not Boliviar it's too troublesome - something to do with the bad cases of Sun Dance that erupt every now and then.

If you are agreeable please post the aforementioned contintents in an unmarked envelope to PO Box MI1 - can you ensure that they are used continents so they can't be traced. However, if you are willing to brave this issue out beware, the choir of the cranefly sing far worse than I do - my singing has been likened to a goose farting in the fog by the way.

On a lighter note, it's so nice to speak with you again. I'll catch you tomorrow mayhap.

Signed
The Manic One


p.s. all that talk about lard has made me hungry and I'm all out, I would be grateful if you would email me half a pound of lard if you have it.

p.p.s. has Colin been talking to any cranefly with Scicilian accents? it's not that important really, nothing to worry about, I was just curious, I collect cranefly accents you know, that's all, nothing serious at all honest, honest proper.

Dearest Manic one,
*Nyeeeaaa aaaaa aaaa aaaaa aaaaa Nyeeeeaaa aaaa aaaaa aaaaa aaaa
Nyeeeeeaaa aaaa aaaaa aaaa aaaa Nyeeeeeaaaa aaaaaa aaaaa aaaa*

All right! All right! I'll surrender over to you that diabolical list of demands of yours! Just give me the cranefly proof earplugs NOW!!!*nyeeaaa aaa aaa aaaaaaa aaa...*
That atrocious atonality is apt to augment the affect of accidental aneurism...all of those short a vowels could make even Schoenberg turn over in his grave!!!Please just make it stop!!!
Give me Anka, give me Shatner, even Slipknot singing nursery rhyme...*Nyeeeaaa aaaa aaa aaaaa aaa...* Oh just make it stop!!!*Nyeeeaa aaa aaa aaaa aaa*

The unmarked envelope is on its way to you even as I wince *please make it stop* and believe me you're making a lot*eeeeeowwww* of western Europeans happy by carting away Belgium in the bargain! South America cost me exhorbitantly extra postage even sans*Nyeeeeaaa aaa aaaa aaa aaa...* Bolivia.*Ooooooooooooow!!!*The nerve of thatpostal service!I slapped the half pound of lard onto the Galagagos and adhered it to Ecuador *Nyeeeaaa aaa aaa aaaaa aaa...*just so there wouldn't be any misunderstandings about missing pieces.*nyeeaaaa aaaa aaaa aaaaaa aaa..*

*eeeowooooooeeeee*And btw, yesColin is quite close to his rather dapper friends Guido,Beppe,Gianni,and Tino!They are of Neopolitan descent,I believe.*owww*They say that they are as close as famiglia to him.A musical famiglia from what I gather from all of the stringed instrument cases that they carry for practice everywhere...
*Nyeeaaa aa aaa aaaaa aaa
Manic...is there something*oooooooh* I need to know?

PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!! NOW!!! OH PLEASE... I'M BEGGING YOU!!!
I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN TAKE...
*Nyeeaaa aaa aa aaaa aaa Nyeeaa aaaa aaa aaa aaaaa aaa aaaa Nyeeaaa aaa aaa aaaa aaa Nyeeaaaa aaaa aaaa aaaaaa*







and I hope your day's a cheery one!

Thank you, the continents arrived this morning only slightly worse for wear, fortunately Belgium was damaged beyond repair.

Here's the ear plugs.

Damn, I knew Colin was connected to the mob. It was comfirmed today when I woke up with a horsefly's head in my bed. I'm just hoping I can pay them off with Brazil, apparently cranefly are nuts about the place, if not I'm going to have to call in a SWAT team.

I don't suppose you know where Colin is? *hmmm I hear psycho music*

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...



Thanks manic...*sigh* That's so much better now!



Can you imagine what lurkers might think if they were perusing all of this out of context?





Undone again!

There's no end to your *lardivorous* dastardliness!









Hope your day's been ever so lovely!

My day has been mighty fine thank you, well it was after the glazier put in fly mafia-proof windows.

How's the ear's, if you ignore them the choir will go away eventually.

It's nice to get back to normality, whatever that is - notice that's only one word not two, as Norma Litty was a girl I used to date at school.

oooh, gee whiz! I'm in the middle of having a touch up done on my lobotomy....
for getting that last song line conversation post!



and I hope your evening's been spiffing!

My labotomy is mighty find, I keep most of it in a jar on a shelf.

My evenings been spiffing, although you're always ahead of me I think you are 8 hours behind time wise.

So, happy afternoon and have a great evening

Hello dear Manic!





















Just throwing a greeting in your direction today!


Hope you ducked and everything is decidedly delightful in your Hullish life!

Colin and the cosa nostra ragazzi send their fondest "ciaos" along with a charming expression I'm not too familiar with. They are drawing the ickle ends of one of their front appendages across the base of their ickle throats and making "sssss" sounds before flicking the aforementioned
ickle ends of their front appendages forwards and outwards from their ickle chins while saying "ehhh!"
Such sweet boys...

Sometimes I lie awake wondering if you're getting quite enough lard in your diet. I've heard (I think it was David Attenborough...) that denizens of your region were insatiable regarding the consumption of lard. Oh the trials of just being who you are! Oh and the porkers that sacrifice themselves just that you might exist! Oh it makes one ponder exceedingly to distraction! Oh!

Do take care.







And duck next time!



And Cheerio!

*cynthesis hoards a bushel of late harvest tomatoes which are becoming increasingly over ripe and gloopy(not to mention lethally mouldy and quite possibly botulism and salmonella tainted) in anticipation of a long awaited friendly welcome back greeting for manic_impressive*



















*giggles*

MANIC!!! WHERE ARE YOU?
YOU ARE DESPERATELY MISSED IN HOOTOO!!!
I AM SUFFERING FROM A CURRENT ATTACK OF REGIONAL WITLESSNESS AND SOBRIETY DURING YOUR PROLONGED ABSENCE!!!
COLIN WILL SOON SEND OUT A NEAPOLITAN SEARCH CREW FOR YOU AND I PRAY THAT YOU WILL APPEAR BEFORE THEY DO SOMETHING SCURRILOUSLY EXTREME,
AS THEY ARE WONT TO DO(AND *THAT* WON'T DO..tsk, tsk, tsk)!

PLEASE COME BACK TO US!!!
OR THEY WILL COME TO YOU!!!
DON"T MAKE ME SHOUT!!!
Oh!In the midst of extreme emotion I'd not noticed that I was shouting!

Manic,dear, I hope that you are safe and well.
You are very much missed and hootoo is just not the same without you!
And if you're just off on a business trip or a
vacation...pardon my Swahili!
Inform us a little bit beforehand next time so that the cosa nostra ragazzi don't make innocent individuals conveniently disappear in the course of their extensive search and recovery forays? Si?
I really do hope everything is well with you and if it is not, know that my thoughts are with you and *stop giggling will you* and *get up off the floor, its not that funny* my heart will always have a deep and abiding*oh if you're going to be like that!...why do I even bother?*concern for your*will you stop that infernal braying?* well-being! Be well and come back when you can!

Your sincerely bereft of reason pal,

cynthesis

Dear Manic,

Happy Christmas...wherever you are!

It's Christmas time and you're not back yet. You'd know that, of course.
I just wanted to let you know that you're remembered*futiley shakes her fist at him* and missed.
So if you're reading this, and I think you would if you could, and might possibly not log in, and how many clauses could I put in one sentence without losing track of where I'm going with this...oh bother, where was I?

Ahhhh, yes! I hope you're well and life is spendid. Come back when and if you can. I feel very sorry for hootooers that never were given the chance to experience your charm and wit.*ooh he might just take that bait...*Anyway, I appreciated you while you were around and I would appreciate it if you'd
COME BACK!!! Pardon my nervous tic.

Take care, Manic, and be well.
Do your best and don't be a stranger!

Your ever loyal pal spreading *hohoho* Christmas cheer,

cynthesis

Colin insisted upon firecrackers for New Year's celebration.
Those wings of his do grow back, don't they?

Have a Hap-hap-happy New Year, Manic!!!