h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dinah arrives and begins looking for Imps to slaughter.

[Evil Looking Demon Dude]
*looks at Dinah's mismatched socks and starts roling on the floor laughing.*
Don't worry my dear. Mghff. I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing WITH you. Oh all right!! I'm laughing AT you!!

Never fear, Strangely Bisected Odd-socked Immortal Imp-bashing One!
For I, Captain Disillusion am here to help you!
Whilst that Evil-looking Demon Dude is rolling around in mirth it is time to unleash my secret weapon!

oops that was my belt.

Still that'll keep him laughing whilst I search for my deadly arsenal of weaponry.

Aha! here it is! It is what humans know by the name of a 'pencil case'. Quiver with fear, Demon!

*brandishes pencil case menacingly*

the Evil Looking Demon Dude continues to roll on the ground. Hopelessly overcome by laughter.

Imp Ortant: Allright Imps, attack those intruders!!

Imp Robable: Should I turn off the laughing gas?

Imp Ulsive: Dinah, will you marry me?

Captain Disillusion -

Alright, Imps! It's time for the 2B pencil. I'm assured by my friend and trusty weapons supplier, StationerMan, that it will give off large photon blasts and frizzle your head into a crispy frizzled crisp!
When I told him what it was for he seemed really keen for me to get out of the shop and use it!

Aha!

*points pencil at Imp, awaiting deadly results*

The Imps stand around looking puzzled.

Imp O lite: off, you ing

Imp Ortant: GET HIM!!!

Imp Ulsive: Will you marry me? I like your pencil.

Allright you Darn IMPS! I'm gonna KILL YOU ALL UNLESS YOU GIVE ME MY SOCKS BACK!!!!!!

--Dinah draws her dagger, and Sabre. Swiftly she Slashes and Superbly Slicing the Strange Stealers of Socks. (Imps)--

Well, that's one way of doing it. Umm, a little impulsive aren't you? I'm glad I haven't gone anywhere near your underwear drawer if that's what you do!

(Thinks: I haven't, have I? Maybe that was someone else)

They should think themselves lucky that they just got stabbed and sliced. I could've done them untold damage with this 2B Here.

Mmm. do they steal socks as well as sisters? We could be onto something big here.Maybe They take everybody's socks. But for what dastardly purpose?

Strange voice:
Yes, the Imps steal Socks. In fact they steal one half of any pair they come across. Imps live in laundry rooms, this explains where all those missing socks go.
____________________________

The Ugly Looking Demon Dude finally stops laughing. He gats a look of rage, as he realises that his sister spoke his name. "How DARE she!!" He Roars.

"I can't hurt her, so I'll just beat you two zero heroes to a pulp."As he says this a HUGE Flaming Sword appears in the Ugly Looking Demon Dude's hands. He then advances on the heroes.

The Imps, sensing the Fiend's rage, flee in terror.

---Dinah pulls out a vial of Holy Water and throws it at the Demon, hitting him squarely in the face.---

*Captain Disillusion Looks up from tying his bootlaces. Sees the Dissolving Demon and whistles, clearly impressed with his weapon.*

"Well, it may only be a few inches long but the results are pretty explosive, don't you think?"

Captain charges in frenzy at non-existant enemies.

"Arrrrggghhhh! Eat Hot Lead, Punks!"

Evil Looking Demon Dude: --Rematerialises behind the captain and throws a net over him-- Nobody can escape from my magical net of entrapment.

Dinah, I suggest you depart before your sister returns. Given the current state of the cosmic flow, meeting her face to face could destroy both of you.

SW returns: ALLRIGHT DINAH!!! Prepare to meet your doom!!!

Evil Looking Demon Dude: What the Heaven?! SW! STOP!!!

Mmf! uffNNg mmmnghhh! MMMfff mmmfffffuu inbbbbggku mmmffff mmfffmmfffmmffffyoooourrrrrrrrra mmmmmmffffffffuuu mmmmmfffu unnnnnnMmmff!*


* rough translation: Oh, deary me! I seem to be trapped. I feel a bit of a pilchard. I don't really like this! You are a naughty chap! I don't think you had a father! You remind me of genitalia!

Dodging her Sister, Dinah frees the Captain from the net in which he is trapped. Her wrist begins Beeping. Dinah puts the wrist unit to her ear.

"DARN!! I have to go on a top secret mission. I probably won't be back untill August. Darn Darn Darn. Good Luck Captain." Dinah says and promptly vanishes.

(dazed, unaware of what's just happened)
Ha! I must've said the magic swearword to escape that net! This must be my lucky day, eh Dinah? Dinah?

*sees SW up close and wonders for the first time just how much of a superhero he really is*

Oh, bugger.

Egads! She's disappeared too - and not a moment after her sister.

CD's thinking process...Hmm. Although they may not know it they must be intrinsically linked by some strange cosmic force.

If one of them kills the other they must both die simultaneously!

Oh, dear, they're not gonna like that, are they? How do I prevent it from happening? what do I do? Do I have to kill Dinah?

One things for sure I must wait here in this snow-capped mountain wilderness until they reappear. I must be on my guard and not fall asleep or hallucinate...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Bob, aka Evil Looking Demon Dude]
**Sprinkles nightmare powder on CD**
**Looks at the other wannabe hero**
MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!! PREPARE TO FACE YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!!!

Captain Disillusionordinary dreams)
zzzzzzzzzcaterpillarszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzbighairycaterpillarsuuggghhzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzchasingmedownthestreetzzzzzgotnoclothesonzzzzcaterpillarzzzzfeeding me semolinazzzzzdon'twantsemolinait'syukzzzzzzzz.

*nightmare dust gets sprinkled*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!Dad?What're you doing here?

Captain Disillusion's Dad: I thought I'd find you here.You pathetic worm. You've brought shame on the family. I wanted you to be an accountant but no you had to try and be a superhero. Trouble is, my reputation as a superhero has been tarnished because of YOU. A more useless hero the world has never seen. Look at you - ladders in your tights, bathtowel round your neck because you couldn't find your cape...YOU'RE USELESS!You have no superpowers. That pencil is just an ordinary pencil. You were saved by a GIRL. O The humilation!The Imps are wasting their time on you. They've found out how foolish you are so they're just playing games with you....

* Captain Disillusion, asleep and living his worst nightmare, is reduced to a blubbering heap.... *

Captain Disillusion's Dad: That's why you must do the only decent thing - climb to the top of this mountain and jump off it. I can say you died a hero's death in battle...

Captain Disillusion: (Sob!) Yes daddy!

*CD begins to climb mountain in his sleep. Evil Looking Demon Dude watches with bemusement*

[Bob: The Evil Loking Demon Dude]
**Peeks into CDs nightmare to try and understand what's going on. Sees the nightmare. With tears in his eyes Bob makes a loud noise waking CD up.**
SNAP OUT OF IT!!! WAKE UP!!! I'M SORRY!!!
I know how you feel I have difficulties with my Father too. He wanted me to join a choir, spend all my time singing and playing the harp. But I wanted more out of life...

*pats Bob on the back*
(soothingly)
There, there. It's Ok.I hate to see a grown Demon cry. Have my tissue. It's clean, I only use it to emphasise my crotch bulge.

It's ironic, really.. I always wanted to join a choir and play the harp. So why did you become a baddie then? I wouldn't have thought it was very rewarding.

*plan hatching slowly*

Seems to me that you deserve better this. You're a sensitive guy. Do you enjoy doing what you're doing? What's your boss like to work for?