h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi have a beer on me Marstons Gooses revenge. Lovely stuff tried it in the pub last night. A little better than Tanglefoot I think?

I am now looking forward to all those special Christmas brews with all the berries and honey and other extras in. Lovely I must confess that I'm drinking Somerset cider at the moment though. As you seem to have plenty of I'll just give you a

Got a 3ltr bottle og or even of white lightening on the go. Some people drink for pleasure, but tonight i'm drinking for effect.

Tut. *puts on best disaproving look*

Was I convincing?

Scarily so.

I've been practicing. Do something really bad and I'll show you my finest Paddignton Bear glare!

Not the bear with the hard stare!

Not gonna be online long ate an out of date pork pie, and now i'm paying for it big style.

So no booze for me for a while

Not a nice experience. My usual trick is using milk that's out of date Hope you're feeling better soon. No alcohol I'm off to the pub for lunch tomorrow and for carol singing on Sunday so I'll make sure I have a pint of on your behalf

Hope your pub lunch and carol singing went ok, I'm better now so I've got some catching up to do. Went to the Carol service at my wifes church to see the kids singing, and was extreamly surprised at what they've done to some of the carols 'See him lying on a bed of straw' in a Carribean style, wow.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TOO

Carol singing in the pub was great The carols were all played at a cheerful tempo (rather than dirge speed) and a lot of the tunes were folk tunes rather than the usual tunes, some of the carols were folk carols too. We managed to get some good harmonies going but after all the most things sound good

Have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS (a mistletoe smiley would be useful) Be good and might visit tonight, he's been given a certificate especially to let him use reindeer even though they are controlled by foot and mouth restrictions. He can only land on roof tops though and he'll be carrying his own disinfectant

lol. Been busy for a while, how you been?

Spent Crimbo with Anne and the kids, hurts a bit to have to come back to the flat and be by myself.

What did you get nice for Christmas then?

It's strange going from a house full of family back to a flat on your own, isn't it? Mind you, from my point of view, I'm used to being on my own and was relieved to return to the peace and quiet. I'm guessing that if you're used to the business of a full-house then it's rather strange going back to a quite one. I hope you enjoyed Christmas though.

I think I'm officially getting old as I received not just one but two pairs of slippers for Christmas When I get the Yardley Lavender gift set for my birthday then I'll know I'm past it I did get a nice new coat though It helps when you tell people exactly what you want and then take them to the shop to choose it. What did you get?

Sorry, i've not got back to you sooner. What did i get. Well Last Hero obviously, a natty Australian hat (no dangly things though).
And the usual smellies, socks etc. Thankfully no Brut or Old Spice (THE old man's present).

I'm begining to wonder if i'll ever really get used to living alone.

I've kind of blown any chance of a reconcilliation with my wife now i think.

Is it that bad? There's no way the two of you can talk on your own?

Living on your own isn't that bad. It's just adjusting to change that is awful. Just make sure you have plenty of outside activities to stop yourself feeling isolated.

Who got you the natty hat? Brut is the teenage boy present isn't it? and Old Spice, that stuff stinks. When I was still living at home I ran out of shower gel so used my Dad's Old Spice. Not only did it smell but I appear to be allergic to it. It really made me itch I think they are given to teenagers and old men because they are the only smell strong enough to cover the revolting smell certain people in these groups cultivate

Very astute, that comment about teenagers and old men made me laugh out loud.

It's quite bad between my wife and I. I kept expecting to go home, and she kept on moving the goal posts.

Please don't judge me about the next bit.

I was feeling really lonely instant messaging my son, i'd had a bit to drink, well way too much really. I ended up at my wife's house, i don't even remember driving there. The girls started having a real go at me, I ran out the house, jumped in my car and crashed into a lamp post.

Was arrested and charged for drink driving.

I'll lose my license.

I've started councelling for my drink problem and haven't had a drink now since the accident. I feel so sorry for what i've done, i'm just so thankful i didn't hurt anyone.

Now i'm even more alone. I can only get to see my boy's once a week instead of three or four times.

I can't get out much as i've hurt my ankle and knee so walking too far hurts.

But when i recover sufficiently i'll try to get out more and meet people. Half my problem was that i devoted myself to my family and had no time for friends or outside activities much, just kung fu with my lads once a week.

I'm thinking of trying to learn to dance,Salsa maybe, but i must try to remember not to throw my partner on the floor and apply an armlock.

Sounds a bit cliche (I'm sorry but don't know how else to say what I mean) but sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to be able to start improving things. Drink driving is a bad thing, but having the accident and getting charged has at least had the good effect of helping you get help. Recognising the problem is always the first huge step.

Obviously I don't know your situation but if your wife is continually moving the goal posts it sounds like she is finding excuses to delay your return home. It would be more honest if she just told you straight so you know where you stand, but I expect she finds that difficult. Separating a marriage isn't an easy thing for anyone. She seems to need space to think about what she wants, and time to see how you behave. Sounds fair enough although it does leave you on the other hand feeling upset and unsure about what you're supposed to do. No-one knows whether the two of you will be able to get back together but it seems like you hit the nail on the head when you said, "Half my problem was that I devoted myself to my family and had no time for friends or outside activities much". You've already started getting counselling and a good counsellor will help you address personal issues you probably weren't even aware of. Why not spend this time on your own concenrating on yourself. Salsa classes sound like a good idea and with a fondness for armlocks have you considered wrestling? You might find that your wife is pleasantly surprised by the new you and if you did get back together you could avoid the mistakes made last time. If you don't get back together you'll be giving yourself a good grounding for the rest of your life, and either way you'll be an even better Dad than you are already

I don't have children so I can't appreciate how difficult it must be not to be able to see them every day. You'll just have to make sure that the time you can spend with them is really special and let them know that whatever happens both of you still love them and nothing will change that.

I hope you don't mind the rather cliched message and my bluntness. I hope you don't mind relationship advice from a perennial singleton either. I'm not really in any position to comment but can at least offer an objective perspective.

As for my astute comments on teenage boys and old men: I used to work as a carer and was well-known for my liberal use of strong fragrances to cover the smell of some old men In case you're wondering about my inside knowledge of teenage boys, it's nothing sinister Some unlucky days I end up on the bus crammed with all the school kids I would love to explain to these well-gelled young men that washing before the application of strong aftershave is far more effective

Thank you, that's probably the best advice i've received to date. Wrestling, no I did a few years of Ju-jitsu, thats why i mentioned the armlocks.

Carers are very under valued, when my Nan was in the local care home recouperating from an operation, i was surprised how some of the oldies and the managers of the home treated the staff. They were treated like menial labourers.

Don't forget how easily teenaged boys and old men are seduced by advertising, actually all men really. USE THIS PRODUCT AND ALL WOMEN WILL THROW THEMSELVES AT YOU.

I think women are just as susceptible to advertising it's just that the approach is slightly different. 'Use this expensive cream, take these multi-vitamins, eat this diet and you too can look just like the models in the adverts.'

I was sat next to a young man yesterday in a lecture, I couldn't guess his age from looking at him but his aftershave placed him at about 19/20. The aftershave wasn't unpleasant so he wasn't any younger but it was overpowering and I'm amazed I survived the hour. Anyone a bit older would have been less liberal. I wonder if it's possible to plot a graph like the body mass index one. Men's age up the side, aftershave type and strength along the bottom. The graph could then be used to pinpoint any man's age

I agree with you about carers. As a carer I was expected to do all sorts of things from washing the residents, helping them to the toilet and dealing with any mishaps, to cleaning the toilets, scrubbing the paintwork and cooking the tea. (I did wash my hands inbetween the toilets and tea ) I used to get really annoyed when I was treated like a scivvy and a complete idiot. The assumption was that I did the job because I was too stupid to do something else. I worked with some very intelligent people. One of the carers I worked with had previously worked for the civil service, another one got a job lecturing in a college after he'd left the home. It taught me some very valuable organisational and coping skills. When there are only 2 staff on and no management, and you've got to bath so many people in just the one bathroom, make afternoon cups of tea, do the laundry, do the cleaning, help people to the toilet, organise fun activities, do the washing up, phone doctors, show people around, make the evening meal, dish out the medications, help people to bed, act as referee for all the arguments, and many more things besides, all in the space of one shift, you become very good at doing 5 things at once, organising time and trying to keep a cheerful smile on.

Are you going to the meet on Saturday?

Er sorry, it's now Saturday evening, and I didn't know about a meet.

If you're going or gone, let me know how it went.

The one meet I went to in Manchester was really good.

I do hope to try and get to some more, apparantly Granny Weatherwax is trying to organise a weekender in Blackpool some time in the summer. "Blackpool Beetroot Bash" which could be fun.

I'm still on the wagon, my court appearence is on Thursday.

Logan (That's my son) is doing his Kung Fu grading tomorrow, which means he'll be a higher grade than me, which he thinks is hilarious.

All this in the news about The NHS. Crazy political stuff. In my experience the Staff (by staff I mean, Nurses, Doctors and support staff, not parasitic managers) do the best they can given the resources given to them. (On a side note I visited an old neighbour of mine in hospital yesterday, the poor old fellow had collapsed when an Ulcer he was told he didn't have burst).

Adverts, some I think are clever and funny, some are annoying but most are insulting to anyone of average intelligence.

The aftershave / age theory is very interesting, how would we take into account deodorants. (I don't know why, but the old Hi Karate advert has just popped into my head, now there was an advert that was about as subtle as a sledgehammer, and it worked. Are we men just stupid or what?)

Also does the fact that most of my aftershave comes from Avon place me in the right age bracket, and would the chart work on Womens perfumes?

I've just remembered what hi Karate smells like