h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Er, now that's what I meant by not trusting your own thinking.

I may be the last person whose word anybody should take for anything.

But I find your contributions to this little website extremely cogent, artistic, and productive.

I rather immodestly think I'm a pretty good judge of such things. But hey, don't trust me, ask other people. I've had too many comments to count that your work is much appreciated around here...and SOME of these people aren't fruitcakes, you know...

You know what schizophrenia does - it makes you see things funny. In my case, that was made way worse today by a food allergy. I checked: they've been doing the research, and guess what? I was right: the food allergies make my brain go weird(er). And it had to be grocery shopping day. And accident-block-the-road-home day. I was not fun to be with. Okay, it's official: don't eat runny eggs and then operate machinery. It should get better in a couple of days.

Now, that being the case, let's not let the fact that things get difficult lead us to conclusions that may be unwarranted.

I was talking to Elektra about this earlier today. I said, the problem is, you KNOW your own version of events isn't quite kosher. But you can't just borrow somebody else's...you've got to figure out how to sort out a different version for yourself.

I am a big admirer of John Forbes Nash, because I think he managed it by using his head.

Whereas poor Philip Dick often couldn't, and spent a lot of time worrying about his previous life as an early Christain Gnostic...and thinking he couldn't sneeze without affecting the course of the universe.

Now, me, I have decided that having bizarre notions like that is just fine. As long as I don't impose them on anybody else in the form of anything other than entertainment.

But I don't really think I owe it to anybody to leave the planet just because they don't want me. I think, 'All God's children have a place in the choir.'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iP27eatYxE

I'll let you in on something I figured out a long time ago: the rest of them don't feel all that useful, either. It just doesn't bother them as much.

I'm not saying it isn't painful to look at the world some days. Maybe most days. I'm saying you should give yourself permission to be bummed about it, and stop feeling responsible for it all. (I'm telling myself this, as well.)

And now, ahem, a .

And I'll shut up.

You are not a bad or harmful person Willem, if you are having very persuasive thoughts that you are

then I am going to question that,

and I want you do that as well

Hi Dmitri and thanks for that thoughtful reply! Thanks Peanut too. But let me try and make it clearer: if I am not being useful here then I have nothing whatsoever to do here. Now I do have abilities, talents, ideas, whatever ... but what if they are wrong for this world? If they weren't wrong, wouldn't I have had some sort of success with them by now? It's true there are people who appreciate me and my work but they, too, might be out of tune with the 'real world'. Which is not so bad but in my case, the 'out-of-tuneness' goes to absurd extremes and they're becoming more absurd every day. Really, it is bizarre beyond belief. What if this simply isn't my world? What if I could start over in a world that's better suited to me and to which I am better suited where my talents, ideas, efforts, whatsoever won't be wasted let alone be counterproductive? I really believe there are other worlds, other universes, and that we can get more than one chance. But I'll continue trying for a while longer at least. But things are getting so ridiculous ... and I have nothing to ground me! Peanut by this sort of thing I mean: real-life whatever; a child, friends, things with which you can interact physically, with your actual body and all your senses working together. Here we are 'disembodied' and this to me is also a problem because my mind gets disconnected from my body and I become a stranger to myself, the thing in the mirror doesn't seem to be 'me', neither does the thing that walks around, eats meals, and does all those other mundane physical things.

I hear you.

Trying to send vibes your way.

I'm listening

It seems to me you are feeling disconnected Willem, and that isn't just here, on h2g2, where it is not physical, but I suspect a number of us would argue and do feel it is 'real'

it is also internal to you, feeling disconnected from 'yourself'?

also with

and a truckload of

Hi folks. The very start of my mental health problem came from my 'disconnectedness'. I literally do not identify with my body. Like I said I have a strong sense that the 'someone' I see in the mirror and the body that is typing this and walks around and eats and so on isn't really the real me. My mind is 'elsewhere' most of the time. I tend to forget my physical needs. In University I became so bad that I stopped eating for a considerable time.

In my mind I really live in a different world, that only intersects what you would call the real world in a thin sliver. And I'm very, very choosy about that sliver ... I try for the bit that feels to me like 'home' but that bit is shrinking more and more. In my real world there are lots of animals and plants and beautiful natural things, and the people who live there are sensible and care for stuff aside from money and the power to manipulate people. They love beauty and nature as well. In my real world people are caring, thoughtful and responsible. This is the world in which my mind lives. The world in which my body lives is for the greater part staggeringly different. I seek out the parts of it that resonate with my 'mental world' because I cannot live in the part that doesn't: this part is all about money and power, doesn't care for animals, plants or even people, and *especially* doesn't want someone like me around. This part is growing while the part that I like is shrinking and may soon shrink out of existence, and when that happens I'll have no ground under my feet at all any more.

The horrifying thought is that maybe this is the actual and only real world. In other words the world where animals, plants and people matter, does not exist at all, but is a figment of my imagination as well as a figment of the imagination of a few other people. I include most of my friends here: you are wonderful people, but what if the world is indeed the uncaring power-obsessed place it seems to be and eventually that world destroys everything else? Humans will adapt. People will live in such a world and manage to be happy. Not all people, but a surprisingly large number of people. Somehow they will accept the environmental destruction and the complete lack of social justice. They will have realised that those things never had a chance, that they were simply misguided ideals, that they never corresponded to any real reality. Worse atrocities than what the Nazis perpetrated are going to happen, and regular 'good' people are going to go along with it because they couldn't see any other way.

This could easily happen to *this* world ... it does seem in fact to be happening. Now I just don't want to live in a world like this. I'll try my best to change it, but if there's really nothing I can do to change it, REALLY nothing more to do ... why stay? Is that a world in which YOU would want to live? And again I DO think there are other worlds, other possibilities. There have to be.

Willem

Humanity doesn't have yet have things sussed in the way that you and me would like to see them.

I have cut and pasted this from your post

In my real world there are lots of animals and plants and beautiful natural things, and the people who live there are sensible and care for stuff aside from money and the power to manipulate people. They love beauty and nature as well. In my real world people are caring, thoughtful and responsible.

I am going to make few changes

In the real world there are lots of animals and plants and beautiful natural things, and many people who live there are sensible and care for stuff aside from money and the power to manipulate people. They love beauty and nature as well. In the real world people (admittedly not all) are caring, thoughtful and responsible.

I recognise that you are socially excluded, there are reasons for this, there are social barriers and internal hurdles that you have to overcome but I don't think these are insummountable.

At the moment you only seem to be able to see the worst of futures, all the bad things in the world. It is difficult to hold on to hope sometimes but please do that Willem

Now Dmitri has said about not taking the weight of the world on your shoulders. I agree with this. We all probably in our own ways aspire to greatness, to be a great writer, world renowned artist, I personally would like to be wonderful orator and whip a political movement but that isn't going to happen

And do you know what it doesn't matter that I am not great, or particulary talented, actually at all talented in any one thing. I am good person, I am caring and compassionate, I do the little bits that I can to enhance the lives of people around me and for the environment and sometimes to promote change, that is enough of anyone and I believe strongly believe that my life, my efforts is as worthwhile as anyones elses and that as little and insignificant as I am, it all adds up

Having read that again, I think that the word greatness is wrong, I think what I was driving at is that we would like to be 'influential'

I think you all brighten the corners where you are.

And hey, Willem - I recognise that symptom. Have you read Oliver Sacks? Elektra's on his mailing list.

http://www.oliversacks.com/

Hey Willem

I kind of expected a post from you on here by now. I can't help but to be concerned about you and the way you are feeling right now, I fret like that

would you just check in however briefly, please

Peanut

Hi Peanut, I just don't really know what to say here any more.

That is ok, I just don't like to be out of touch

when we don't know know what to say, we fall back on the weather

I don't know what to say either, I am running on instinct here, that even if you don't feel like talking, it is perhaps a good thing to be around about people that care for you

so I am going to keep on posting that ok

So how is your mood today?

When you started this thread I thought that it might be a 'discussion' about something that could potentially happen

Then it became clear that you were feeling very disconnected,very low, you expressed distress about your thoughts and feelings.

I think it is important that you have friends that can be of support when you feel like this but I am also aware that it might not be enough.

If these feelings are continueing I think that you also need to get other support from your doctor or other professional services that you can access

Ideally I would like to think that you are also talking to your sister but I worry that you are not. Are you?

Hi again Peanut! My mood today is not so good but not so bad either. I went to the Traffic Department to renew my licence which only took me three hours. I was happy when I came back from that. Anyways ... I just wish I could be a 'real' human being in this world, OR else be in a world in which I could feel real. I honestly don't know what I am or by what mistake I landed myself here. I realise more and more that I don't have any friends. And I cannot speak with my sister about my problems. I'm despairing about communication. I've tried with psychiatrists and psychologists, they just don't take what I say seriously, or even pay any attention at all to what I am saying. The rock bottom line is that I understand by now that I'm NOT GOING TO GET ANY HELP. So ... I just have to face whatever the hell I have to face all on my own and just hope and sort of pray that I'll make it. The situation I'm facing is humanly impossible. But then, if I actually am not human, I might make it!

You know what? This afternoon, I've been researching the Ballets russes.

I'm still researching, but in the process I found out a lot about Vaslav Nijinsky. He was schizophrenic, did you know that?

What a genius. He went to Switzerland to try and find a cure. No luck, of course. He didn't say much of anything for decades. Then, at the end of WWII, he ran into some Russian soldiers in a camp outside Vienna. They were playing folk songs. He burst into a dance - and astonished them with the beauty of it.

Yeah. Another 50-60 years, and not much progress in separating the inspiration from the pain. But I figure, if Nijinsky could do it...

Maybe you have to be off the scale to do this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ncz-D1Vf13M

Me, I don't mind not being human, really. I'd just like to be able to do *that* in some form.

Hi Willem

I expect you were glad too! I didn't do so well with going out to day, I went to the shop over the road that was enough for me. I am hoping to do better tomorrow

So good on you for going out and getting something you needed to get done, done, and three hours, flippin'heck!

It took me 2 months and cost me $100 to get mine renewed.

The first time I tried, a strange foreigner in a turban tailgated me for 2 miles down back roads, then rear-ended my car at low speed. I had to have the muffler repaired.

The next time, it worked okay. People come from all over the world to run into my car. It's usually Chinese people.

hmm, that is quite impressive Dmitri

I should have got a photo on mine I think about 10 years ago although my licence is still in date

Do I win for being the worse at paperwork?

You win, Peanut.