h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hello- I have just read you're page (and very good it is too) and it seems that i have found someone who is as passionate about music as I am! As a clarinettist i have great respect and love for viola players-though it does not stop the jokes! If you have one bullet and can shoot either the conductor or the lead viola, which do you shoot?

VIP

it's not the conductor??? business before pleasure?

or is that another joke?

I'm afraid that's it. The old ones are the best...

VIP

Everyone else nicks viola jokes and turns them into blonde jokes, irishmen jokes etc. Or is it the other way round.....?

Don't care... they're funny anyway. I like the best one about the long-lost Mozart opera- the magic Viola. 'S very funny.

I don't recall that one... enlighten me...

Err... it's kinda long... let me find it...

It has come to our attention that several people believe Mozart wrote, in addition to "The Magic Flute," an opera called "The Magic Viola." This is incorrect, and apparently the rumor is due to a coincidence of sounds. In German, The Magic Flute is "Die Zauberflöte," while The Magic Viola would be "Die Auberbratsche." In fact, Mozart's little known viola opera is called "Die Sauerbratschen," and it is verified by several unimpeachable sources that he wrote it in the space of one evening during dinner in a really dingy restaurant. Mozart wrote the libretto on napkins and the score on the tablecloth -- an example of what is called Tafelmusik. The work was actually performed in Salzburg along with "The Constipation of the House Special Overture," which also was composed in the same restaurant. The similarity to English speakers of the pronunciation of the German "Sauer" and "Zauber" has led to the Magic Viola misconception.

The opera was not successful, since it seems to have never been performed again. It has no Köchel number and the tablecloth was apparently laundered by mistake, removing the entire score (but leaving most of the stains). Only a few napkins remain in the collections of various private individuals and the summary of the opera given below, based only on those that could be tracked down and deciphered, cannot be regarded as definitive.



DIE SAUERBRATSCHEN

WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART

Synopsis


ACT 1


The king and queen of a fairy-tale like kingdom are devoted patrons of music and loved by their subjects. The sad fact is that the couple is childless and both they and the population want an heir to carry on the royal line. After many years when it appears most unlikely, the queen becomes pregnant through the ministrations of an in vitro alchemist. The royal couple throw a great feast when the baby, a girl prophetically named Violetta, is born. Among those they invite are the various music fairies; the violin fairy, the cello fairy, the flute fairy etc.

Conspicuously absent is the viola fairy, a terrible harridan, whose intonation is so bad that musicians and audiences fall to the ground as if struck down. Not for nothing is she known as The Trampler. After each fairy performs on her instrument and sings about the joy of playing it, the group is about to play a chamber work together when the viola fairy herself
appears from the bowels of the earth along with a smell of sulfur and brimstone. The crowd shrinks away from her as she takes center stage. To everyone's horror The Trampler places a curse on the baby, to the effect that before her sixteenth birthday, she will develop an obsession with the viola and play it to the exclusion of all other activities. Then the viola fairy departs as she came with a maniacal laugh to the strains of Hindemith's Viola Concerto. The queen is inconsolable and faints dead away. The act ends with general confusion and despair and a lot of bodies on the floor.


ACT 2

By royal proclamation, the king and queen ban every viola in the land. They are collected and destroyed in a huge bonfire which is a precursor of the Immolation scene in Die Götterdamerung, except here it is known as the Violation scene. String quartets now consist of two violins, a cello, and a banjo. The alto clef is outlawed. In this way they hope to thwart The Trampler's curse. The ruling is appealed by the court jesters, Ping, Pang and Pong, who say that without viola jokes they have practically lost their entire repertoire. They sing a trio, called Die Bratschenwurst, consisting almost entirely of viola jokes.

[* The viola jokes are the best preserved part of the opera; although less than 5% of the libretto, they account for almost 50% of the napkins on which the libretto is preserved. Musical historians have not found any evidence of viola jokes predating these, and it is probable that Mozart is the source of this rich body of musical humor. Ed.]

Die Bratschenwurst Trio

Ping: What's the definition of a minor second?
Pang: Two violists playing in unison.
Pong: Two violists playing in unison.

Pong: What do you do with a dead violist?
Pang: Move him back a chair.
Ping: Move him back, move him back.

Ping: How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
Pang: Kill eleven of them?
Pong: Eleven must die; Oh my!

Pong: How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
Pang: The bow is moving.
Ping & Pong: See how the bow is moving.

Ping: What do you call a violist with two brain cells?
Pang: Pregnant.
Pong: That's not very nice.

Pong: What's the range of a viola?
Pang: As far as you can kick it.
Ping: Or 35 yards with your good arm - as you please.

Ping: What is the longest viola joke?
Pang: Harold in Italy.
Ping, Pang & Pong: Long, long in Italy.



The king, although greatly amused, refuses to lift the ban and the comedians depart disconsolately. But unknown to them, the language teacher Don Blanco is a closet violist. This is not to say that he plays the viola secretly, but in fact plays what is called a closet viola. It has a hinged back and opens to hold a change of clothes and other necessities,
since violists often have to leave town suddenly. Don Blanco, a recent visitor to the country, is unaware of the royal decree and continues to play it. Since he rarely has visitors, apart from his friend the pizza entrepreneur PapaGino, no one is the wiser. We meet Don Blanco together with PapaGino, who is bragging about his pizza franchises throughout Europe. PapaGino sings about the numbers of different toppings one can find in different lands:
200 in France
300 in Spain
and 1003 in Italy!

Meanwhile, the princess Violetta is sent to Don Blanco to study German. Inevitably, she hears him playing and becomes enraptured. Instead of coming a few hours each week, Violetta practically becomes a house guest and makes incessant demands on Don Blanco that he teach her to play the viola. Don Blanco, thinking that no one in her right mind would want this, naturally assumes that Violetta is enamored of him.

The fact that the princess is a virgin, makes her even more desirable. At one point, when he is alone with her, he takes a cigar from his pocket and sings a piece Mozart later recycled in his better known “Exultate Jubilate;” the aria entitled “Tu Virginum Corona.”

ACT III

The king and queen make a great celebration when Violetta turns sixteen. They mistakenly think they have defeated the viola fairy, since they know nothing about Don Blanco. With all the guests assembled, Violetta makes an entrance with Don Blanco, and to the horror of all comes in playing a viola! She has not really mastered the instrument (who could?) and makes quite a hash out of Harold in Italy. (It sounds more like Harold in Poughkeepsie.) The guests cover their ears with their hands, pillows, mince pies, and anything else they can find to muffle the sound. Don Blanco, upset by this reaction, takes the viola from the princess to show how it should be played, but the guests still refuse to listen.

Suddenly the viola fairy appears through a fiery gap that opens in the floor. She is about to gloat over her triumph when she becomes aware of DonBlanco's playing. Instantly, she falls in love with him. Transformed by love, she sings “O Viola D'Amore” and lifts the curse from Violetta. As the act - and the opera - ends, she carries the violently resisting Don Blanco off with her into the pit and to the infernal regions.

The last vocal sound is Don Blanco's anguished "aaaah!". The notes of Walton's Viola Concerto can be distantly heard from the fiery pit.

FINIS

hmmmm... tee hee

Was a bit long, I'll grant you.., but well worth it! On my space there are a couple of links to two external viola jokes pages, if you're interested.

I'll have a look... I think I have one too if I haven't deleted it or something...

Hey!!!! I've just been looking at your page... organs... french horns... queen... flanders & swann... WHAT'S GOING ON??!!?? It's quite scary!!!

It's not thaaaaaat scary... that's just me. Just nod, smile and pretend you understand.

I am under instructions to tell you to go to 'laura' 's Space. There is a link on my page. She is one of my best friends and currently next to my left shoulder. Hehe!

OK, will do.

I mean it's scary cos it sounds exactly like me!!!

Marvellous!

I've re-read you're page... it is scary, isn't it!

I know!!! I've added a bit about french horns - ta for reminding me I love them. Or maybe it's just french horn players.....

Hmm... I like them all. I woldn't want to get too specific. But then, I have pulled 2/3rds of the male horn players in Berkshire Youth Orchestra... hmm... maybe I do...

Apparently brass players are good kissers...I have no proof of whether this is true or not!!!

Hmm... maybe we should do a scientific test. Rank the different insruments on a scale... though there is a good joke about that...