h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Good News
We have found a way of taking over the universe peacefully - just a few more Field tests to go through!

Preliminary forays to other climes have shown that our imported buckets of mud and stuff have extended our territories by about ¼ of an acre (with no legal challenge), which we have now ceded to Cymru (that way we get lower local taxes and have been given a development grant by central government and the EEC, in this manner we are extending our land and being paid for doing it!

We are now thinking about using wheelbarrows, as they are more efficient (i.e. more can be transported with less effort).

So far field tests show that as we get more efficient, and our financial arrangements with central government and the EEC improve, within a millenium or two we should be able to take over a few planets, and eventually the galaxy!

We now have a position vacant for a good lawyer to represent our interests (good salary and possible eventual partnership.

That's all we need - a stealthy Welsh take over!

S'mae heddiw, Nogginette. Hope I got that right. Haven't got a Welsh/English dictionary. I see you're domiciled in Leicester currently. I'm just down the road from you in Husbands Bosworth, in the county of Leicestershire. My best pal, now living in Llandeilo, is a fluent Welsh babbler (sorry, I mean speaker) and my dear old ma was Welsh (from Barry) though she could only cuss in what should have been her mother tongue.

Those alabaster eggs very rarely hatch, you know and when they do, the critter is all white, bloodless and pasty looking. You'll spend all your time running to vet with it. You'll probably wish you'd never bothered.

Nice to meet you.
Sal

Hi Sal,
you must realise that this is for the benefit of mankind (and of course a little profit).
Thanks for the info on Alabasters, you are obviously an expert - do you think I might have better luck raising Onyxes (Onyx-i?) from eggs?
'nette

Hiya 'nette

It's a slippery slope - well in my experience piles of mud are always slippery when wet. First our mud and what next - our worm? our slugs? our rocking horse's brains? Hmm, actually, you're welcome to the slugs. But our rocking horses need their brains. They're quite stupid enough without being robbed of their brains. What do you use them for, by the way?

Oh yes, the onyx eggs. They're an evolutionary dead end. They hardly ever hatch. No more than one every few thousand years. It's a lottery. When they do hatch, I understand that a little dragon comes out. Being Welsh, you may feel it's worth the wait or the gamble. Trouble is, the cute little thing will soon be big enough to fill your house, garden and it'll probably squash your new pile of mud flat and toast all your furniture.

Sal

Hi Sal,
It's a long story, but due to almost total financial ruin, I had to raise funds. I made a fortune by selling my brain (one careful user) which had spent most of its life doing nothing, so I could afford a brain transplant of my own, and as rocking horse brains were going "cheep" (or maybe "neigh), I took that option. I haven't noticed any difference *'nette nickers and rock away*

Hiya 'nette

What's happened to your name. Shall you remain nameless? My goodness, you haven't had to sell your name too have you? I hope you soon find yourself solvent you poor gee-gee.

You seem considerably brighter than the average rocking horse to me in any case - but can you REALLY rock?

Sal

Hi Sal,
I have come down with a chest infection and have had some pretty hefty medication on top of the usual stuff (opioid analgesics and more), which has left me feeling very woozy and somewhat melancholy melancholy at present.
As to brains - well they are Welsh rockins horse brains, and yes I can rock

*nette rocks a little, and drops into a doze*

Oh no 'nette. Poor you. I'm sending you a big "get well" wish. This is the biggest I can manage, so brace yourself. Here it comes: >>>>~~******~~>>>>!!!... . Doesn't it come out looking peculiar? Anyway, keep tucked up nice and warm and cosy and have some hot soup. Hope you've got someone there to run around after you and help you to feel cared for!

Speak to you soon.
Sal

Hi 'nette

This is just a quick one to say hope you're feeling better. h2g2's given us a bunch of new smileys today so I thought I'd send you a nurse, a doctor and some magic. Here they come ...

Couldn't find any soup in the new icon collection but here's some chocolate

That's it. Now pull yourself together and get well soon.

Sal

Hi Sal,
Thanks for the chocs. Doctor and nurse told me to continue with the self medication and have made arrangements for me to see the vet on Friday. At the moment it is hard to concentrate, and it's difficult to focus on anything at the moment as movement makes me feel dizzy! .

Hopefully this won't last long, and soon all will be back to normal.

Again, thanks for the morale builders

Hi 'nette

Feel free not to reply if you're still feeling bad. Just thought I'd pop over to say hope the vet sorts you out today. My brother always tells me not to be too fed up about feeling dizzy because some people pay a lot of money for substances that produce just that feeling. They must be daft, mustn't they?

Can't find a bunch of grapes but I found this glass of orange - the vitamin C might help.

Speak to you later.

Sal

Hi Sal-
feeling a bit better now but still a bit woozy
Thanks for your support, hope you enjoy these , (hope you like guiness!), should be fine in a couple of days
*'nette rocks back to sleep*

You up 'n' at 'em yet 'nette? Hope you're all better and twice as good as before. Lots of mud left to shift, you know.

I've had a virus and so's Amy the Ant since you succumbed. I'd heard of computer viruses but I didn't know they could knock their users over.

Rock on.
Sal

Hi Sal,
Hope you're better soon. You must eat well (lots of calories), especially in this weather, so here's a bit to get on with , and of course, to look after you, . Regards to Amy the ant and your 'puter, and wish them a speedy recovery also!

I'm feeling a lot better now, although I inadvertently (almost) took up flying, however I failed to miss the floor at the bottom of the stairs.
I do not recommend this as a cure for ailments, even though I did get better shortly after, as clinical trials have yet to be held

We have had good news here - aftersuggesting to the LEA that they were in contravention of the HRA, they have at last, after nearly 3 years, found a school for my son !

Hi 'nette

Glad you're on the mend now. Rocking horses aren't really built for flying are they? Perhaps you should find a less bruising pass-time. Stick to rocking. You know it makes sense.

The virus and I slogged it out for a few days. Stuffed myself to the gills with all the nosh you recommended and that must've done the trick. Finally I prevailed. I think Amy shook her illness off a bit quicker than I did. I suspect she's probably younger and fitter than I am - added to which, she has more legs.

Also, pleased to hear of your victory over the LEA. Did your "suggestion" carry a threat by any chance? If anyone tries to pull a fast one on me, I immediately threaten them with the regulator or ombudsman. Most villainous organisations crumble instantly if they know they are or might be in the wrong. Mind you, it took me a couple of knocks before I discovered that handy technique.

Anyway, I hope your son enjoys his new school.

Hi Sal,

glad to hear you're all well.
with regard to the LEA, threats? Me? I just suggested that if they ignored the law they may have a few problems (I did mention that Matrix, the lawyers specialising in human rights were giving me advice though), when all of a sudden they found a a school within a week! Pryderi is enjoying school (it's very exciting).
I hadn't thought of the regulator or ombudsman - thanks for the tip (I'll remember them if there is a next time).

I've taken your advice and given up flying, and feel wonderful for having done so

Hi 'nette

Threats can be terribly effective - Slartibartfast had it sussed. If you mentioned lawyers specialising in human rights, you subtly issued a threat. Well done!

Glad your Pryderi (how do you pronounce Pryderi?) is enjoying his new school.

Also pleased to hear you've given up your attempts at flying. We Salamanders can't fly either, but at least we bounce a bit.

Hi Sal,
Pryderi - the nearest pronounciation (yn Saesneg) is Prud-derry

Life in general is improving in leaps and bounds (or should that be life is rocking! ) at the moment, but it has been tiring - so we are off to Cymru for a couple of days to recharge our batteries (refurbish our rockers )

We'll be back in a couple of days - thanks for your support when I was ill

'nette