Journal Entries
On being a complete idiot when I was 18
Posted Oct 24, 2002
When I was 18 I believed I had an incredibly good memory. It’s true it served me well for most of my life, particularly when it came to school/college/university work. I always found at University, for example, that bothering to revise was a waste of time. Turn up to class, do the set reading, do your assignments, then turn up to the exam.
But I guess that refers to short-medium term memory, whereas it turns out my long-term memory is pretty poor. Looking at the list of names of my old school acquaintances and friends on that reunited web site, I struggle to put a face to many of the names. And those I do remember, I find it hard to recall just why it was I lost touch with them. The worst thing for me is not being able to remember the last contact, which would seem to be the most significant. Was it a letter, a phonecall, or an actual flesh & blood meeting? Did we part on good terms, or were there harsh words?
Then there are the names of people who haven’t yet appeared. One old friend, Linda, I’m particularly keen to get in touch with. We were extremely good friends. If not for my (male) best friend, I would have thought of her as my closest friend when we were 18. I left home and my home town, and she used to write me the best letters. Unfortunately, she was also going out with my best friend (MBF), and this caused me to behave in odd ways. I was jealous of course, but also so determined to deny those feelings, so I came up with a full spectrum of bizarre excuses for beastly behaviour. For example, while we were still at school, and soon after the started dating MBF, I just stopped speaking to her – for several weeks. Then I started speaking to her, giving no explanation, except some vague hint that I’d been experimenting. Experimenting with making a complete s**t of myself, perhaps. She said to me then that I’d made her feel like the worst person in the world, which I suppose was the effect I was after. I didn’t feel bad about it at the time, but I do now. Apart from anything else, now I feel the loss of her friendship so deeply (haven’t seen or spoken to her for over 20 years), I realise how precious those weeks were – and I just wasted them.
So in the end, eaten up with jealousy and determined to wring some affect out of her, I broke off contact with her altogether. And this is what I don’t clearly remember. I don’t remember if I said something hurtful, whether I just let things go (it’s easy to lose touch with someone if you make absolutely no effort in that direction), or whether I issued instructions that she shouldn’t attempt to contact me. I’ve a horrible feeling it was the latter.
Of course, if there was a plan, and I would think there was a plan, I was probably hoping that she would feel so distraught that I was breaking off contact that she would express some emotion towards me, or phone me, come see me, and ask loads of questions. I see now when I look at my own 2-year old seeking attention just the sort of thing I was playing at. If I’m really really horrible to you, will you be nice to me?
All I ever wanted was for her to split up with MBF and declare her undying love for me, and what’s so wrong with that?
So it went horribly wrong, and I never saw her again, received another letter, or even a quick phonecall. I can’t even remember if she ever said “Hi,” through the communication medium of MBF.
I lost touch with MBF (so I should call him Mex-BF), and in fact the whole concept of having a best friend, about 7 years later. I don’t miss him in the slightest, but I think about Linda often. It’s not a “wish I could run away with” kind of thing. I really am a happily married man with a lovely family and I’ve no desire to do anything to hurt that situation. But I do feel terrible about the way I acted as a not very bright 18-year-old, and I’ve missed her for 20 years. I’d swap almost all the names on that reunited list for the opportunity to put things right. Except I’ve no idea how to do that.
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Latest reply: Oct 24, 2002
Top 10 Matraca Berg Songs recorded by others
Posted Nov 7, 2001
1. Strawberry Wine Berg/Harrison (Deana Carter: Did I Shave My Legs For This?)
2. You Can Feel Bad Berg/Krekel (Patty Loveless: The Trouble With the Truth)
3. Everybody Knows Berg/Harrison (Trisha Yearwood: Everybody Knows)
4. Emma Jean's Guitar Berg/H/H (Chely Wright: Let Me In)
5. You're So Cool Berg/Johnson (Patty Loveless: Strong Heart)
6. Cry On The Shoulder Of The Road Berg/Krekel (Martina McBride: Wild Angels)
7. We Danced Anyway Berg/Scruggs (Deana Carter: Did I Shave My Legs For This?)
8. Wrong Side Of Memphis Berg/Harrison (Trisha Yearwood: Hearts in Armor & Songbook)
9. Wild Angels Berg/H/S (Martina McBride: Wild Angels & Greatest Hits)
10. You Give Me Love Berg/P/S (Faith Hill: Faith)
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Latest reply: Nov 7, 2001
Getting in touch with old friends
Posted Jul 16, 2001
I've recently been frequenting the web site [URL removed by Moderator], where members can register their name and other details at their old schools (and other institutions of learning) for the year that they left. The idea is, your ex-friends will spot your name and contact you through the site.
It's 20 years since I left school, and back then I would have sworn blind that I would have nothing to do with anything like this. Naturally, we mellow. On the other hand, with such an attitude it would be surprising if anyone wanted to hear from me. I always imagined if I went to a school reunion it would be to hang around outside in my car, watching people come and go.
I still imagine that the cool kids with whom I hung would not contribute to such a project. But then I ask myself, would they in fact do so if they saw my name listed? Not because I was a leader, but just because I was one of them, and they would think of me (if they thought of me) as one who wouldn't. So I listed myself, and I have exchanged mails with people. But why do it at all?
I'm not sure it could be described under the heading of "Unresolved Issues," though I can actually think of one person I would like to, say, make an apology to. On the other hand, nor is it morbid curiosity. I find it quite uncomfortable to learn of the misfortunes (however slight) of virtual strangers. But it does seem like a good time to say hello again after 10, 20 years, and find out how people turned out.
So far it seems as if everyone became something to do with computers. But of course that's because only people with something to do with computers have the internet. You can see the generation gap by the numbers of people for each era who have registered. People with less excuse than me to not know where their old friends are are in the majority. Left school last year? Lost touch already?
I think the reason I did it was because it seemed like an apt use of the internet. It's even a commercial use (you have to pay to contact people), but with a fair price to pay for a useful service. And I contributed in a spirit of experimentation. There are certainly a number of people I would like to know what happened to them (and with details), and I want them to know I am here. Some were very close friends, some were people I could have been nicer to at one time or other, and some are people I barely remember but feel curious about.
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Latest reply: Jul 16, 2001
Top 5 Guitar Albums
Posted May 17, 2001
This week. This isn't just about lead guitar, but about ensemble playing, good acoustic sound, and other stringed instruments. These are records not with long guitar solos, in most cases, but with an overwhelming feeling of good guitar.
1. Kim Richey – Bitter Sweet (Angelo, Kenny Vaughan, Dan Dugmore, Sam Bush, John Leventhal)
2. Allison Moorer – The Hardest Part (Jay Bennett, Richard Bennett, Kenny Greenberg, Allison Moorer, Russ Pahl, Rick Plant, Marty Stuart)
3. Dwight Yoakam – Dwight Live (Pete Anderson, Scott Joss, Dwight Yoakam)
4. Mary Chapin Carpenter – Come On Come On (John Jennings, Jerry Douglas, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Paul Franklin, John Jorgenson, Mike McAdam)
5. The Allman Brothers Band – Brothers & Sisters (Gregg Allman, Dickie Betts, Les Dudek, Tommy Talton)
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Latest reply: May 17, 2001
Dr Bob
Researcher U156156
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