h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

On August 4, 1968. About noonish.

Woah. You're old enough to remember that ??

Yes.

*hangs head*

I have a confession to make. I'm not who I seem. I'm a 65-year-old retiree named Ira who lives in the Vista del Mar retirement village in Coral Gables, Florida. I play golf on Saturdays--a full 18 holes, with regular trips to the "nineteenth hole" heh, heh--and alternate Mah Jongg and bridge every Wednesday night. The wife and I are planning on visiting our kids (son Larry and daughter in law Marilyn) in Buffalo this summer. They gave us two beautiful grandkids, you know...

I'm so glad that you feel so open with me as to share that. I suppose I should share as well.

My name is Cattie. The Sporky who you've been talking to lately has actually been either myself or my partner, Donna. That's right. We're gay and we're in love. Last summer we took a week off and spent some time in a nice little B&B in Norfolk, Vermont where we professed our love in front of God, our friends and parents, and Randy Young, who happened to be the local justice of the peace and the cashier at the Ace Hardware store (he gave us a 35% off coupon for our gift- what a generous man!).

When we're not traveling we live in Hackensack, NJ where we both have jobs in the private sector. In our free time we lead up the local Gay Christian Republicans which has a local chapter in Hackensack. It's a quiet happy life. No kids, but we're planning on changing that soon (a friend of a friend's cousin, Mertyl knows a dog groomer who has access to Brad Pitt's sperm- what a beautiful baby we'll have!!).

Who's going to carry the baby?

Donna's the one with the birthing hips.

Good thinking. You wouldn't want to ruin that cute little figure of yours.

Now my wife, Phyllis, she was able to lose her weight after Larry's birth. It did take a long time though. Every time she would raise a knish towards her mouth I would say "tsk tsk tsk". Between that and the girls down at Bloomies...well, Phyl had a lot of people watching out for her. Her goal was to get back into her little Chanel suit.

I don't mind if Donna gains a little around the waist. Actually, I'd rather that she did. Every time we enter a room everyone notices her before me. I know I shouldn't mind, but dammit, I can't help it. I keep sending her treats at work and ordering her dessert when we go out- you'd think she'd catch on.

So, how long have you two been together? High-school sweethearts?

No. We met while I was stationed in Korea, near the tail end of the conflict there. I was a mess cook for my unit--slinging hash all day long for hungry troops who were in the dark as to what our mission was there, and Phyllis came through with the USO. Before were married she was a singer; in fact she had a minor hit with "Daddy's Little Girl" in 1951. You might be too young to remember that, but on the strength of that song she was invited to tour with Tommy Dorsey and His Orchestra.

Anyway, I saw her perform and I liked the cut of her jib, so I asked her out after the show. We went down the road to this little hole-in-the-wall Japanese sukiyaki joint and the rest was history...

How did you girls meet?

Believe it or not we actually worked together at a dairy queen while we were both in college. I was working up my nerve to ask her out for months and all of a sudden one day she just came up to me and asked me if I wanted a double dip. The rest is history...

Double dip...heh, heh, heh...was that some sort of double entendre?

You're a ditry old man

Why you young rascal...I don't know what a "ditry" is, but as soon as I find out I'm going to write to my Congressman.

Get with the times you old fart. What are you, senile? I think there's a home out there with a bed reserved for you

Respect your elders you perverted pinko whippersnapper!

Excuse me? Pinko? Why don't you straighten your dentures and take some exlax poppy. I think something's crawled up your butt.

I'll have you know my hemorroids were taken care of just last week and my prostrate is no longer acting up. So just cool your jets you feminazi!

Feminazi? Excuse me? I'm not the one here dressed in Nazi parapheanilia, nor am I the one who shouts heil hitler every five seconds.

That's very inconsiderate considering I'm Jewish.

And, like, Cattie Schwistein isn't?