h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What a charming little oubliette you have here-full of atmosphere and...dankness really. I'm sure all this stuff about tiorture and the criminal justice system is all very well, but when are you going to get on wuth the interesting stuff.

Too late.

Hello Calamity. Come to torture me with your evil tongue again? You'd better get back behind the fence, you know your place.
What interesting stuff? Everything round here is very boring. Oh yes, very dull. Nothing to interest you at all. In fact, why don't you leave, to save yourself the utter tedium of being here?

Now that I simply don't believe. You mean to tell me that you've got all this space here and all these solid wall fixings and you've not thought of anything interesting to do with them?
I don't know whether to be surprised or disappointed in you.
And my tongue isn't evil, just rough (which can be very interesting...)

I've been spending a lot of time doing other stuff for the Muse of Bondage.

I really don't see how your tongue can be interesting, it's just wet.

Moist and slippery is the phrase I would have used, actually.
Muse of Bondage-now that sounds much more promising than thumbscrews and red hot pokers, doesn't it?
Tell me more...

http://www.h2g2.com/U94986
That's Mistress Mina.
She has already been to see you. But you're too busy being bloody nosy (as usual) round here to notice what's going on at your own place.
Why don't you clear off and see what she wanted?

Actually, she just wanted to be polite, which is something she'd probably do well to beat into you...
Anyway, how did you get this little gig without everybody else poking their noses in? Can't bloody move round the Freehold these days without one of the Blue World Order poking their nose where it isn't wanted...
I think you're just having a skive and avoiding making you-know-who's you-know-what...

She tried. It didn't work. But it did give her a great aim with that whip. So I wouldn't get too close if I were you.

And none of your business what I am doing here or how I got here, or what I might be avoiding. What I want to know is how you got here, and what you think you might be getting up to. And why you're bothering me instead of making a mess somewhere.

Pass me those buckles. You might as well make use of yourself while you're hanging around getting under my feet.

I'm getting away from it all, is what I'm doing round here.
And it's not making a mess, it's constructive chaos - so people like you don't end up having nothing to do...
Whips? Hanging around in buckles? This is sounding better and better...!

You're not getting away from it all, as you're still here. And put that down before you hurt yourself!
Haven't you seen her whip? Maybe you should go and find it.

Just put that down as well, and give me those padlocks.

Stop it Arthur. You're just teasing me now, talking about padlocks as well!
And you mean to tell me Mina's got a special whip? This is just getting more and more fascinating all the time!

It really is very fascinating, so why don't you go and look. I'm sure she'll let you have a go.
~mutters~
At the sharp end if she's got any sense.

Said Arthur.

Sharp end? Sharp end!
You really think she'd let me if I went to see her?
~Disappears with smell of talc and sound of stilletoes...~

At last, peace and quiet. Now, where did I put that device?

AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I found this thread!

Completely by accident of course...

I am trying to work in here young lady. What do you want?

Rack? Vice? Branding irons?

Don't look so nervous, I'm not going to use them, I make them for High Queen Mina.

And someone remind me to get that door fixed. Can't have people wandereing in and out when I'm trying to work. Always the same, interruptions day and night.
No one appreciates me!

Oi, you're not allowed to call me young lady. Only one person calls me young lady and that is Mina. Or Muse of Bondage. Or Mistress Mina. Or High Queen Mina.

So...um, I'll just sit here and watch you. No, I don't care that I'm not allowed. I like doing things I'm not allowed to do.

Or can I help you? I could take things to Mina?

I appreciate you, or at least I would if I did, which I don't yet but I probably will. Anyway, I'm sure Mina appreciates you.

You can sit and watch as long as you sit behind this electric fence.
*turns on electric fence*

Now you can't touch anything.

*touches electric fence*
*gets propelled over the other side and lands on Arhur, knocking him onto...oh. Oh dear. Whoops.*
*looks scared*