h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

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Those words of his are stamped through my mind as through a stick of rock.

And I'm damned if I'm going to just going to be passive about it. Yes its been really helpful talking to Kuzuchi..but that's hidden away on a rugby thread. I'm doing a journal about it. That is out in the open. Too often bad stuff happens to women and gets hidden away.

And that just stops it getting out and makes you ill in some way. It happened to me once before in my life when a man put a weapon through my mind and it sent me mad.

I'm not letting that happen again..but then as the above expresses, nothing's working. But I'll keep trying. This is part of the keep trying.

There was small improvement in a difficult situation here for myself and someone else that I was very pleased about, then the very next day I have it said to me,

'I hope you die in a car crash that isn't your fault'

Apart from something my mother once said to me, I reckon that's the horriblest thing ever said to me in my life.

And of course almost immediately the post is disappeared. How convenient for that 'person'. I use inverted commas deliberately.

Yes I could contact the eds. But what good would that do? There's nothing they could do to take away those words shoved inside me. Besides which we'll be out of here shortly. So I'm writing about it here in my journal.

I'm so sorry for intruding but seeing these words ricochet in you is so painful, I'm compelled, it is the human in me

I want to say or do something to soothe, I can't take it away, just so want to compensate with something positive but I don't know what to, or if I do anything I just make things worse for you.

It was a terrible thing to say, I'm not for censoring but that was just unspeakable, should never have been said, I am so saddened that it was, but having been done so, that it hasn't been addressed is just, well I don't what the right word is, but it 'smarts a lot' on a number of levels

This is meant to be helpful, I know you have a lot to work through, but when you are, try to make a disconnect about this being a womans issue if you can, Twigs is gender blind in this respect. Do you see what I mean, in terms of dynamics.

You don't have to answer that question, I will not come back unless invited (per post )

I wish you well

Peanut

Nice to see you here. Thanks for your support.

But the womens issue is something I feel strongly about because over and over I see women keeping quiet about their hurt. They are socialised to keep quiet rather than let it into the open.

You'll have to accept that's a political thing for me..and also from talking to a lot of women in the mental health system as an equal who have bottled stuff up and get depressed or self harm.Men generally let these things out when they get hurt.

I working through it as best I can. And making this journal has helped.

I'm no saint and I now know better how much I hurt kea which is a good thing for me.

It's the actual wording..and the worst things I've seen him do over the years have been towards women because they are often more emotional and he has big problems with that.

And he frequently makes gibes at feminism.

We can agree to differ on that one. Yes he attacks men as well of course..but when he attacks women he is well aware of the fact that many women are frequently more psychologically vulnerable..he will make no allowance for that. There are reasons that many women are more psycholically vulnerable. There are political reasons for that he won't be interested in.

That's pretty fundamental for me.

But thanks for general support. I'm going o phone mental health unit tomorrow.

Actually that has really riled me Maybe that's good.

The three most vicious attacks by him have all been on women. Della/Vicky; his ex girl friend..a simply astonishing attack that was soon yikesed; and now me.

Mind you I missed out on his fascinating Justin the preacher phase.

I can't write here what I think of him and what a despicable coward I think he is. The way eg out of the blue he viciously attacked kea recently. He attacks not because he's been hurt in any way..but because he enjoys inflicting hurt.

And he's told me that it's a mask. What kind of sicko makes a mask like that.

This is not now replying to Peanut but saying stuff I think.

I'm feeling a tiny bit better for saying what I really think. I think over the years I have let him intimidate and scare me too much.

I have liked him as well on and off..and of late I had more so..stupid me. I might have known after that really warm post I made to him the day before, after he posted a nice story to do with his mother, that I had hell coming my way.

That's what he doesn't understand about some people. They are more open when they feel warm towards you..so a vicious attack will be more devastating. Of course I can forget that to..hence what I've now learnt about the effects on kea of my anger.

But i always attack because I've been hurt myself..not because I've 'dehumanised' someone.

He utterly dehumanised me when he said that awful thing. He enjoyed the power of saying those horrible words about wishing me to die in a car crash. It made him feel clever..that's all that concerned him.

Posts of mine keep disappearing. It's getting to the point where I'm thinking solicitors. There must be something called mental cruelty, given the context. My sanity just dipped further.

Now with all this yikesing happening today..on top of that thing said. It's too much.

I'm phoning the mental health unit tomorrow. And I'm going to spell out *exactly* what was said, and the context of my important relationships here and no I can't just leave. Realistically that would be devastating.

I'm going to stop this stupid thing of hiding what's happened from real life people...as if the internet somehow doesn't really count.

One thing I'm very pleased about though is that I'm confining all this to my ps.

Of course the hardest thing of all is that the evidence has been disappeared. They might think I'm imagining things.

But of course it was known it would immediately be disappeared..but it was known *I* would read...but not others. And that would just send me crazy.

No wonder I'm obsessed.

And it was known that I was already very stressed...so this might send me entirely round the bend, as others would not take so seriously my reaction...even though I had just started to get more optimistic.

Even no friends of mine show support apart from kuzuchi and some from Sol and Peanut. None were on my friends list. Although K now is..

Life's a very nasty joke.

sorry I've not been around here much.


It seems it all happens on threads to which I'm not subscribed -- I'm not even completely sure of who it is that's doing the bad stuff.

I do think it's a good plan to call the real life help people. I don't think at this point in history there's any point in pretending that the internet is somehow not 'real life'.

Do you mind if I a bit, I don't want to intrude so I will unsub if you would like, Effers

anhaga if I say who, the post will be yikesed and I can't link because the post has been disappeared.

I'm just so angry. I had 2 months of being quite unwell. I started to be unwell and then that thing with kea happened who I thought of of my best friend here. 2 things happened both because of others destructive behaviour and I wasn't thinking straight and took it out on her. That was massive loss on top of the already unwellness

You helped to try and mediate. It didn't work. She always disconnected from my messages. Then finally she didn't..I had already started to get better. I was eating agin..I could taste food again. I was listening to optimistic music like Bach. i started the art thread which was creative and very important to me.

And the day after a slight good thing happened the boot was put in, in such a way as to be incredible, out of the blue, also the day after I made a really nice post to him. And now all these yikesings in various places. I'm so scared now I hardly now how to post to avoid it.

I dread to go to my mail now..its full of messages about yikesed posts.

Anyway I'm not well again. It was known I had been unwell..and this behaviour will lead to me also feeling isolated here because people think I'm a head case.

That was also known. Contempt was probably had for that. (Note I'm trying hard to write in a way that won't be yikesed).

I could have printed out that post to show at the mental health unit...but oh no as was always known it would be yikesed.

Everything is just horrible.

And this post might be yikesed for all I know..despite the care I take.

(Nice to see you lurking peanut).

<>

Shouldn't that be if you say Hoo?

I was here in the past as redpeckham which I've made clear a few times on h2g2...I got a bit drawn into the periphery of the Della wars..and didn't like of the stuff happening..but to be honest I can hardly remember that too well and I was mostly on the thingite threads. I took a 6 months break from h2g2..and came back, dropping the redpeckham name. But as redpeckham I left a message here. The response is quite interesting. I was badly hurt then as well because I had come with such good intentions and warmth. And he takes the first part of a sentence and uses it entirely out of context to attack me. What's said is somewhat ironic I'd say. http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/F35246?thread=710694

And if yikesed I'll just post the link.

This is what he's like.

yes. It is a bit rich coming from him.