h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

... I took a look at "Equilibrium".

Excellent use of the form, and it works well.

I have to say, I don't like the form, and here's why.

My mind can see three levels of structure: on one level, there's repetition, which is good, I like that. You've written stuff before with structured repetition of lines, and they've been very good (can't remember one of the top of my head, but you'll know the ones I mean).

On the next level, there's irregularity, chaos - the repetition does not happen at regular intervals, it changes where it is as you go along.

And on the next level, there is order to that irregularity because the rate of change of position of the repeated line is a constant - one line per stanza, upwards only. Cool. Order within chaos within order.

Problem being - my gut can only see to level 2, and it gets upset, because it can only see order spoiled by chaos. So while I can appreciate it on an intellectual level, my hindbrain doesn't like it, because it doesn't "get" it. This is of course my problem.

Note I'm talking here about the FORM, not the words themselves. The words work within the form.

Will this do?

H.

Wimp! Bottling out of the words like that!

I found it an interesting form, the first line moves down through the stanzas and the last line moves up through the stanzas, and I wanted to play with a form with repeating lines, shifting the sense of the lines through the stanzas. I have no idea whether I will use it again.

I was rather brutal with it, forcing the line "Where I was whole, my heart’s boundaries are redefined" through various relationships with the sentances with other lines. To be honest most poems like this - hell most poems - are best read aloud and listened to rather than being read.

For the record I have been spewing poems recently - three yesterday - but Chuck-a-dee is on the other side of the world, and I am pining! (Good for the figure, though!). If you have the strength for more of my guff you can find it here, there is one other which I have not put on-line.

Oh - and go on - nit-pick the sense too. You know you want too! I'll give you the link to the others if you do!

B

Actually - I know what I wanted to ask you about the two versions of Equilibrium, the unworked free verse one, and the full on formal one - which is very simply, which one works better?

I am genuinely curious, because although I feel quite dispationate about both of them (especially since I don't feel that way any more), I don't know which one works better, and you are the only person who has seen both of them.

And thank you for taking the time to make the comments that you did make.

B

I *think* I preferred the freer one, because it doesn't cause me that uncomfortable feeling of not being able to see to level three that I get with the formal one.

As for getting down and dirty and actually discussing actual human emotions - not really my style, is it?

By the way... didja get the coins?

H.

Yep! I thought I had thanked you for them, if not - then Thank you very much. Did you get the cat food?

Re the Poem: If I was a smart-arse, I would say that causing the uncomfortable feeling was a deliberate ploy, since the poem is about an uncomfortable feeling and being out of balance, and that I had chosen the form to deliberately induce confusion and the sensation of being out of balance, not to mention an uncomfortable feeling. Good job I am not a smart-arse, then, isn't it?

And I don't want you to discuss anything as messy as feelings, now, Hoo. I know better than that. I only want you for your word-smithery!

Take care, and have a good Easter.

B

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/brunel/F70143?thread=232096&post=3326747#p3326747 B