h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Random Thoughts That Keep Me Awake 7/31/00

Posted Jul 31, 2000

I can't sleep. Why? I don't know. My husband lies beside me, snoring, and I tell him to roll over. He does and for the first time, continues to snore like a freight train. A really BIG freight train. I sigh. I close my eyes and think of anything. I consintrate on the sound of the air conditionar and try to focus my thoughts on the steady whooshing sound it makes. Think of blackness, of nothing, of how comfortable the bed is under me, of how much I could accomplish witha million dollars.

"We could buy a house, get a new car, pay off my loan, debts, and I could help my parents fix their house too. I could pay off my 2 sisters loans Too, and we all could finally get on with their lives. I could take my mom and sisters on a shopping spree, buy my husband all his computer stuff so we don't have to argue about if the money should go for a new software program, of groceries....I could....!!!"
I start to get excited about all the possibilites and have to stop. Come back to the real world and face the facts that I don't have a million dollars and the bills are still screaming in my face. I need to get a job. It would help with the bills, but the price of child care thesse days, we'd end up with MAYBE $10 extra a month. More cost effective to stay home. This apartment, it's so small sometimes. 2 bedrooms, kitchen, bath, living room and half a dining room. The other half is my husbands computer workstation that just gets piled up with junk. I want a house, but unless we win the lottery or he gets a HUGE promotion, it'll be apt. living for probably a few more years. I want to cry.

Think about something else.

Does he find me attractive anymore? I've held onto 15 lbs since the baby and I can't loose it. All my old clothes, the ones that fit tight, or showed off my figure, all packed away in boxes, like so much of my past life. Packed up to make room for more. A husband, a baby, a bigger waist line and smaller breasts. I'm only 22 and yet feel like I've lived a lifetime. Sometimes I just want to go back to 18 and start from there. 18 when I graduated and started college. I was single, relatively worry free, and lived alone. The only responsibility was getting to class and getting the work done. If I could go back though, knowing what I know now, I would have tried harder. Would have lightned the load enough to pass all my classes, to get into the design program, and make something of myself. 4 years was all I needed. 4 years of not focusing so much on things that didn't matter and working to a degree. Then I could relax a little with a steady income and hard work to show for it.

I goofed. I didn't try. My high school mentality still saw any kind of schooling as dull and boring.

As I get older, I wonder why we didn't listen to our elders. To those people who said, "get your degree", "you can become anything you want", "sex can lead to babies". Why didn't I listen. Now I'm the one doing the telling. My heart is heavy with sadness when I think of the 13 year old sleeping with 18 year olds. Not because she's forced to, but becuase it's the "cool" thing to do. Why do we focus so much on what caste the world puts us in? Are we not still living by the caste system? Yes. Ask any kid in school and they'll tell you.

I love my family. I love my husband and daughter. I would go insane if I ever lost them. They are my life, my passion, my joy, and my comfort. Would I go back and change it if I could? I don't know. There are positives and negatives to that option and since it's an impossibility, I'm not going to decide. I can still think about it though.

Stop.

Don't think. Sleep.

I think I'll play some games....

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Latest reply: Jul 31, 2000