Journal Entries
Rules for driving in New Jersey
Posted Jul 20, 2000
1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real New Jersey driver never uses them.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
8. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.
9. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make New Jersey look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the police car parked in the median.
10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
12. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New Jersey driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot
13. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in New Jersey.
14. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
15. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the existing litter from getting lonely, and gives Adopt-a-highway crews something to clean up.
16. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge or Chevy logo.
17. Learn to swerve abruptly. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to NJDOT, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
18. It is traditional in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
19. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
20. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
21. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
22. Snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Jul 20, 2000
Potatoes
Posted Jul 10, 2000
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one ... a real sweet potato, whom they called "Yam."
They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like "Hot Potato," and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
She said not to worry, "No Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her!" But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped.
She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say, "Frito Lay."
Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to Idaho P.U., that's Potato University, where the Big Potatoes come from. When she graduates, she'll really be in the Chips.
But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just a ...
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
Are you sitting down?
This is REEEEEEALLY bad!
OK! Here it is! Remember I warned you!
COMMON TATER!!!
Don't say I didn't warn you ...
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Jul 10, 2000
jabberpook
Researcher U143388
Write an Entry
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."