h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

When we are born as nice little pink babies, as we are trying to understand why everything seems to be so paniful and why people tend to smack our bottoms at every opportunity they get, our parents have the furstrating job of giving us names. All these hours and hours of hard work ( you try to think for a whole hour!) seem to be wasted away when we enter the cyber world, when the cute little baby whose smacked bottom doesn't seem to be smacked often enough anymore has to change his identity by submitting a nickname to enter a cheesy chatroom (hmm...hidden message?).

This so called nickname is supposed to reflect his superiour character and unique taste in everything, thus making him the most wonderful person in the world ( yeah, sure ,we're ALL wonderful ). Since most of us are neither superiour nor unique this presents a bit of a problem. The ex - baby sits in front of a glowing screen trying to narrow his entire existence into one or two words, while wishing his bottom was being smacked by a beautiful ex - baby of the opposite sex. And so the search begins.

He goes through every movie he's seen, every book he's read, every band he's listened to and through all his cultural life in general. It is a quest for greater knowledge which one should not embark on unless properly prepared, for the dangers of getting lost in the world of infinite possibilities are known to all, mostly thorugh bitter personal experience. After long minutes of thinking, humming, thinking again, answering the phone, being disappointed by the lack of spanking going on, redecorating, boiling fish and other useful activities, he settles for the same name he gave his private parts when they first met, Jonny!

Therefore if you see an original nickname floating around in the abyss of syberspace, be sure to copy it down as fast as you possibly can and addopt it as your own. You know that you'll never do better.