h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have posted this on the size and prejudice convo...

'I do suffer from paranoia, so I took all of Hoos comments very personally.

This is stupid, but I havn't yet found the off button for my paranoia.

I am sorry for my behaviour.

Being fat is a difficult thing, I know I have to except responsibility for it, and for losing it. Why is it so difficult to lose my keys but not my fat?!

I will copy this to Hoos page, and hope to carry on. Hoo made some good comments when he said it was fat people who weren't making an effort which he didn't like. That does mean we must always be making an effort though, which is unfair, we all need a break.

I am feeling calmer and would like to learn more about this. I really hope I havn't killed the convo.'


I hope you can come back to the convo. BTW I remember you helping me with something last year. You are not an easy person to get on with, but I think that is more my problem than yours.

I unsubbed because I was upsetting you to an extent I judged unacceptable.

I don't see any reason why the convo should be in any way hindered just because I've left. It was doing fine before I turned up, after all.

H.

I overreact, however I am quick to get over it. I really am paranoid, I know now that your comments weren't just about me, but at the time, that was all I could think. I should have taken a breather earlier and gotten over it.

You did stir up the convo and brought it new life.

You challenged some of us, it made us feel bad (cause we know its true) so we were upset. Thats life, its unavoidable. I thought it was interesting that you were able to qualify your reactions to fat people more.

You gained something and so did others. I think therefore you should come back. Size is an emotive issue, people are going to get upset. I t would benefit all of us to learn to meet in the middle.

"I thought it was interesting that you were able to qualify your reactions to fat people more."

Never let me be accused of knee jerk reaction. I always try to engage by brain, and I positively enjoy it when something makes me either see my opinions in a new light, clarify more precisely what they actually are, or even change them altogether.

I may yet be back. We'll see...

H.

I see what you mean, I sometimes like to be proved wrong.

Regarding my being upset earlier, it meant I could go outdoors without being scared. I feel I have learnt something very valuble today, I am just not too sure what yet, or how to use it again. I believe I wake up scared, to have the opportunity to vent that fear earlier, meant I didn't have to do it outside. Normally the fear comes out whilst I am outside which reinforces the negative experience.

So I guess, thanks!

Hmm. Perhaps I *did* get precisely the reaction I was aiming for after all.



H.

Explain yourself?!

Could we replicate it everyday, to get my fear over and done with quicker? I can't imagine facing going out each day without fear. Its bound to go wrong though! Seriously though, if this has shown you anything about how I work, please do share it with me, as I really need to get myself sorted out. I am so far in the whole fear thing, I reackon I must see everything tinted with it and must miss so much.

I am worried I am coming across as 'me, me', but I know I am paranoid, and sod it, if I can learn to cope better then maybe being 'me, me' for a bit is worth it.

"Could we replicate it everyday, to get my fear over and done with quicker?"

Well, that's not the question, is it? I mean, *I* could replicate it every day - fine tuned meanness is one of my talents

The question is, could YOU replicate that reaction every day?

"I can't imagine facing going out each day without fear."

But the beauty of the situation is this: you don't HAVE to imagine it any more. Yesterday, you DID it. No imagination required. So you KNOW it is possible, know for certain that you CAN do it, because you HAVE.

"Its bound to go wrong though!"

Why? No, strike that. Do NOT answer that question. It'll only reinforce the negativity.

It did NOT go wrong yesterday. It will go right again today, because it went right yesterday.

Bleating that "It's bound to go wrong" is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

While I was learning to paraglide, my instructor made a very important point - when you're coming in to land, you focus on where you want to land. You do NOT focus on the fence 20 yards short of that point, because if you DO, you'll hit it. And later that same day, one of the learners did precisely that. Coming in for an easy landing, she fixated on a fencepost. And with a sickening crack, she hit it. She was OK eventually, but it showed up the lesson. In other sports I've done (windsurfing, snowboarding, unicycling...) one of the most important lessons to learn is - point your head where you want to go, and the rest of your body will follow. Your body *knows* how to do most of these things already, so your responsibility mainly is getting out of the way and letting it get on with it.

The point of all this is: your body goes where your head is pointing. If your head is pointing at "it's bound to go wrong", it will go wrong. If your head is pointing at "It worked brilliantly yesterday, so it will work brilliantly today", it will.

"Seriously though, if this has shown you anything about how I work, please do share it with me, as I really need to get myself sorted out."

I think it's more important that it's shown YOU something about how you work - isn't it?

"if I can learn to cope better then maybe being 'me, me' for a bit is worth it."

Absolutely - but you must be *completely* "me, me", because that's where the solution is going to come from - you. That's where the solution came from yesterday. I was just a catalyst. I can't take any credit. What you did yesterday, YOU did. And you can, and will, do it again.

And you will succeed.

H.

I was talking about all this with my husband last night. Its very exciting to think I might be understanding how I work, and able to change that, to reprogramme myself.

Thanks for your reply, I will read it again. Today I am so tired.

I have a suggestion for you.

Go back and find all the postings of mine that wound you up so much. Copy and paste them all (assuming there was more than one) into a single document. Print it out.

Once you have it all in one place, read it, slowly. But don't *just* read it. Relive how it made you feel, in as much detail as possible. Really get into the mindset you were in when you first read them. Get upset, exactly as you did yesterday.

Then put them aside. And feel the way you did yesterday, again. You don't even need to go out, necessarily. Just KNOW that you could if you really wanted to.

And keep those postings that upset you handy. They're a tool. Worth a try?

H.

I will read them again, but to conquer them. I don't think trying to replicate getting upset everyday is healthy! BUt learning what upsets me, and changing the reaction is. Yep I will read them and hopefully not get upset, to read them logically without the paranoia switched on.

Obviously you know yourself best.

I only suggest reliving the upset because you described venting that fear that way as the reason you were able to go out.

Have a serious think about it. Reliving that upset under controlled conditions, i.e. because you DECIDE to, actually might be helpful. Only you can say, though.

Good luck.

H.

So, er....

How's it going?

H.

Hi Hoo
I am keeping going!

I was scared to go out today, but managed it anyway.

I can't comtemplate the big issues everyday, I do hope I will get over this fear one day. I havn't re-read that convo yet, I shall tackle it though. Its an interesting experiment to try.

You have a reputation for being quite harsh, 'fine tuned meanness' you said, is that something you like to be? Do you think we all just need to stop waffling and cut to the chase sometimes? Do you think that there is a time to step back and let a person cut to their own chase sometimes? Personal questions there, but I am interested in the answers!

"You have a reputation for being quite harsh,"

Moi?

" 'fine tuned meanness' you said, is that something you like to be?"

Hmm. Yes, I think so. If it's to a purpose.

"Do you think we all just need to stop waffling and cut to the chase sometimes?"

Definitely. But I am a very male, left-brained, engineer type, so this should not be surprising.

"Do you think that there is a time to step back and let a person cut to their own chase sometimes?"

Hmm. Interesting one. Yes, people need space to be who they are. But sometimes who they are is clearly making them miserable. At such times, a well timed kick in the pants can be beneficial, if painful in the short term.

I've done a bit of kicking, so now I'm going to step back a bit and leave you to it. I hope I've given you some things to think about, or possibly the same things but a different way of thinking.

One thing I heard recently is that if you're unhappy, you should do something different. It doesn't necessarily matter what it is - just change something fundamental in your life, anything, and see where it gets you. Because making the change is the difficult bit. And if the particular change you make is the wrong one, you'll know, in a day or a week or a month. And making *another* change will be easier. And eventually you'll get to a place where you're happy. And you'll get better and better at recognising whether a change is positive, and you'll get better and better at making changes, so the rate of approach to happiness is exponential - it starts off slow, and builds slowly, but then accelerates in a big rush.

Best of luck.

H.

I welcomed your kicking H!

I like others to get to the point, but am not so good about it myself sometimes I know that and don't like it pointed out. But its true and I need to recognise it.

Its been a good week with much less fear than usual. I ran my moot on Monday night which normally wipes me out for the week before with fear, this time it was just the afternoon before.

You are right though, its time for me to take responsibility for my problems and change the things I can and make coping strategies for the things I can't.