h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have the real truth behind the legend of St. Patrick! Everything up to his kidnapping is true, but what your not told is how, when here, he developed a taste for our 'national beverage.' Well anyway, after about six or seven years of living in Ireland as a wandering drunk we finally got sick of the sight of him and threw him out. Now as you can imagine he was NOT a happy camper and vowing revenge he swore one day he would come back and wreak a terrible vengeance on the people of our fair isle…. (cue dramatic music!)
Another two (I think) years passed and Patrick, still bitter at his treatment from the Irish, had decided that he had better do something to get those stupid paddies back for kicking him out and making him give up the drink he loved so dearly. So he hatched a devious plan, “ah ha” he thought, “what better way to get my revenge than to bring the Christian god to their country, and I will then become their patron saint and outlaw drinking so that they can suffer as I have suffered!! And so, to put his plan into action, off he went and became a priest.
Another four years had passed and Patrick once again set foot on the shores of the Emerald Isle. He had changed a lot from when he left, gone was the ragged alcohol stained clothes, and as he stood on the docks he looked for all the world like a king. Without any delay he started his mission and around the country he went baptizing people left, right and centre.
At last, about nine years and three hundred pairs of boots on, he had almost completed his job. 90% of the country was now converted over to his way and he was as smug as you could get. At this time he was firmly placed as - or so he thought himself to be – Irelands saviour, and with this title on his head he became drunk (!) with power. He started by outlawing the sale of cattle, then the music came next – he made it against the law to play a musical instrument or to dance – regardless to say the Irish people were none too happy with this arrangement but they went along with it because they believed he was sent to save their souls. Unfortunately for him he had not noticed a small flaw in his plan. The one thing he had not factored in was the one thing that had made him so angry in the first place, the drink! He now passed a law making it illegal to drink alcohol or to brew any kinds of drink that could result in intoxication. This was what caused an uproar, the Irish not drinking?!? The people were flabbergasted! Soon he was being looked at with suspicion wherever he went and, not being a stupid man, soon realised that something was wrong. In every town he passed through he could hear the whispering of the people as he passed them. He knew he had gone too far with his last commandment and that the people were going to rise up against him. But, as I said, he was by no means a stupid man and he devised a clever plan to seal his laws and ideals upon the people. One day on his rambles he saw the perfect opportunity to put this into action. In the middle of a town a bull had gotten loose and was rampaging down the street towards a helpless young girl. Without a moments hesitation he pushed the girl to safety, sacrificing himself in the process. This last great, heroic effort erased any doubt from the minds of the people that he had anything other than their best interest at heart. There was a massive funeral and he was laid to rest, with mourning for many weeks after.
To this day he is revered in Ireland as a great man and in keeping with his plan he was made the patron saint of our island.



Unfortunately the last part of his plan failed. The Irish love of drink was more deeply rooted than he could ever hope to get at and within four years of his passing on the whole country was back on the booze again! This is where we get our modern day celebration of St. Patrick’s Day from, the total inability of the Irish to stay away from Guinness and Whiskey! And what better way to honour the man who tried to abolish drinking than for the whole country to go out and get completely rat-arsed on his feast day!



I have no idea if the time scale is right and I couldn’t be bothered looking it up.

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Posted 10 weeks ago by Peregrin
Subject: Hello!
Welcome to H2G2! I'm an ACE - Assistant Community Editor. If you have any questions about H2G2, feel free to ask me.
You might find these links useful:
The ACE's home - http://www.h2g2.com/A214796 - links to interesting bits and bobs, designed for newcomers;
The Newcomer's forum - http://www.h2g2.com/A5752 - Find other new researchers, and various helpful people (hopefully)
Don't hesitate to start chatting in various different forums, it's an excellent way to get to know the other researchers. A good start for this would be the Forum & Firkin at http://www.h2g2.com/A187508 or the Aroma Café at http://www.h2g2.com/A202924.
When you're ready, you might like to write your own Guide Entries. These can be of any subject whatsoever which interests you. A good subject to start with is about where you live.
There are plenty of helpful comments and helpful people about if you get stuck. If you run into problems, don't panic - click the Don't Panic! button in the goo at the top of the screen. And finally, remember that the front page of H2G2 (access it by clicking on the H2G2 logo in the top left of the screen) is updated with interesting new entries every day.
Hope to see you around!

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Posted 10 weeks ago by Scarlett
Subject: Hello!
Incoming!!!!!!!!
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................[]-> Ouch who put that there?
Hello and wecome to h2g2, I see one of the ACE (Assistent community editors) will droped in and said hello but I thought that I'd do the same! Hi and welcome back to reality!

Scarlett (Musing from the dark time)

This is one of mine to get you started (cynical as hell mind you)
http://www.h2g2.com/A265448

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Posted 10 weeks ago by Amanda ;P
Subject: Hello!
A big hello from me too, sionnach! We're so glad you joined our community...and we look forward to your future contributions. As Peregrin pointed out, there is no shortage of helpfulness on H2G2. If you ever need anything while you're settling in, please let any of us know.

Oh, and your name - sionnach. Isn't that Gaelic for "bagpipes"? Please correct me if I'm wrong.

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Posted 10 weeks ago by Demon Drawer, ACE
Subject: Hello!
Just adding my hi to everybody elses, they seem to have covered the basics, however if you like a good Doughnut and want to chat to lots of fellow researchers check out Joanna's fabulous stall.
]
http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?forum=26840&thread=41308

Bye for now

DD

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Posted 10 weeks ago by Sionnach (im back all rejoice! - is that the right spelling?)
Subject: Hello!
Hi Amanda! thanks for writing to me! actually sionnach is Irish for fox (i have no idea what the word for bagpipes is, i dont even know if we have one!)
anything else you want to know just ask!


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Posted 10 weeks ago by Sionnach (im back all rejoice! - is that the right spelling?)
Subject: thank you!
and a big thanks to all who offered help, i might have to take you up on that offer sometime. im going to like being here, i know it!

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Posted 10 weeks ago by Greebo T. Cat. ACE
Subject: thank you!
~Greebo bounces in.. ~

Of course you are going to like it here... ~grin~... whats not to like...

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Posted 10 weeks ago by Bluebottle (The Phantom Men)ACE (Blessed is he who can laugh at himself for he shall have endless amusement)
Subject: thank you!
Well, there is the fact that I'm on H2G2 too - not everyone likes that.
But I do.

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Posted 10 weeks ago by Sionnach (im back all rejoice! - is that the right spelling?)
Subject: No Subject
ok

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Posted 10 weeks ago by Demon Drawer, ACE
Subject: Fox, eh?
So that's what it means, my Gaelic is improving incredibly on this site.

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Posted 10 weeks ago by Greebo T. Cat. ACE
Subject: Fox, eh?
Oh Yuck... me not like Gaelic... ~grin~... it makes your breath smell...

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Posted 10 weeks ago by Demon Drawer, ACE
Subject: Fox, eh?
Gaelic not Garlic. You might offend someone's native sensitivities especially around where I am.

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Posted 10 weeks ago by Greebo T. Cat. ACE
Subject: Fox, eh?
Ohhhhh... hmmm... ~sheepish grin~... well me is only a cat... me can't tell the difference...

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Posted 10 weeks ago by Duncan Jones (Spearcarrier)
Subject: Fox, eh?
I've always heard the language referred to a "Irish" rather than "Gaelic", but then I am in Dublin and no-one round here speaks it really - possibly a lack of good Brothers schools?



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Posted 10 weeks ago by Demon Drawer, ACE
Subject: Fox, eh?
Well up here they call it Gaelic, but that is propable because it has become politicised in the North.

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Posted 10 weeks ago by Greebo T. Cat. ACE
Subject: Fox, eh?
Hmmm... sounds nasty... and me still not think it tastes nice... especially on doughnuts...

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Posted 10 weeks ago by Sionnach (im back all rejoice! - is that the right spelling?)
Subject: Fox, eh?
i dont know....i quite like it on buns and cakes. it adds a little flavour.

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Posted 10 weeks ago by Duncan Jones (Spearcarrier)
Subject: Fox, eh?
All this is making me a bit thirsty - it's early yet, but do you fancy a pint?
http://www.h2g2.com/A274213

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Posted 9 weeks ago by Sionnach (im back all rejoice! - is that the right spelling?)
Subject: Fox, eh?
im up for it!

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Posted 9 weeks ago by Greebo T. Cat. ACE
Subject: Fox, eh?
Is that a pint of milk.. ~grins hopefully!!!~

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Posted 9 weeks ago by Sionnach (im back all rejoice! - is that the right spelling?)
Subject: Fox, eh?
i think that can be arranged!

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Posted 9 weeks ago by Greebo T. Cat. ACE
Subject: Fox, eh?
In a tall glass please... with a straw if possible... ~grin~

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Posted 9 weeks ago by Sionnach (im back all rejoice! - is that the right spelling?)
Subject: Fox, eh?
coming right up sir....would you like vodka with that?

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Posted 9 weeks ago by Greebo T. Cat. ACE
Subject: Fox, eh?
Sir... ~grin~...me is never a sir...

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Posted 9 weeks ago by Sionnach (im back all rejoice! - is that the right spelling?)
Subject: Fox, eh?
madam? thing? ~chuckles~ throw me a bone here!

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Posted 9 weeks ago by Sionnach (im back all rejoice! - is that the right spelling?)
Subject: Fox, eh?
maybe you'd like a ?

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Posted 9 weeks ago by Greebo T. Cat. ACE
Subject: Greebz - The Explanation
~grin~... Me is a girlie cat... but me also a veggie cat... so me will accept that fishie and release him back where he come from...
Me would give you one of my choccie, foil covered fishies in return... but me gave the last one me had away in a previous forum... sorry...

Oh... if you REALLY want to make me happy... ~big grin~... then try giving me a doughnut... all cats eat doughnuts you know...

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Posted 9 weeks ago by Bluebottle (The Phantom Men)ACE (Blessed is he who can laugh at himself for he shall have endless amusement)
Subject: Greebz - The Explanation
..Or they would if Greebo gave them a chance to - she eats them all before they can get near them!

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Posted 9 weeks ago by Greebo T. Cat. ACE
Subject: Greebz - The Explanation
Now... now... Buzzing One... don't go starting no rumours about me... ~ sheepish grin~

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Posted 9 weeks ago by Bluebottle (The Phantom Men)ACE (Blessed is he who can laugh at himself for he shall have endless amusement)
Subject: Greebz - The Explanation
Even ones that are true?

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Posted 9 weeks ago by Greebo T. Cat. ACE
Subject: Greebz - The Explanation
Truth is a one way door... lunchtime doubly so... apprentice Buzzing One...
~Greebo's eyes cross as she tried to make sense of what she just said...~

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Posted 9 weeks ago by Sionnach (im back all rejoice! - is that the right spelling?)
Subject: doughnuts!!!!!!!!
hey Greebo!
you want doughnuts? then go here and you can get all the ones you want!

http://www.elliskaiser.com/doughnuts

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Posted 8 weeks ago by Greebo T. Cat. ACE
Subject: doughnuts!!!!!!!!
WOW... thats a great site... thankyou for pointing it out to me... ~Greebo stuffs a doughnut in her mouth that she snaffled from above mentioned site... grin~