h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Over 300 men in the USA, who have sought help from the Alternative Religions Goddess Helpline today filed a class action lawsuit against the Norn goddess of being 'Verdandi' (recently renamed Belldandy for equity reasons) and Asgard itself for fraud and contract violations. A solicitor is to have said to be suing for approximately $4.4 billion (or $4.4 thousand million) in emotional damages and unpaid maid bills.

The lawsuit claims that its clients were granted wishes by the Goddess Helpline, but that their wishes were not granted as promised. In every case, the victim is said to have wished for Verdandi to be their girlfriend, but the Goddess was unable to comply because of her current contract was attend with fate and not destiny.

Neighbour Thor, god of thunder, crops and children helped out by saying "The Goddess Helpline is there to grant wishes, and not grant the impossible".

A member of the legal team representing the all-male clients said "Its premise is that it helps people in need by granting one wish. When one of my clients wishes to have Belldandy as a girlfriend, the wish should be granted. It’s that simple. That Belldandy and the Lord in Heaven keep snubbing my clients represents a clear legal violation".

God was not available for comment in relation to such heathen affairs.

Belldandy, reached for comment at Urd's well, was shocked to hear of the lawsuit. "I cannot believe this," she said, unsurprisingly in tears. "I have a contract and have been incontact with Asgard, and it cannot be broken. Even if it could, my heart belongs to the tree of Yggdrasil and these men don't understand that the spirit of being in the universe will fall apart if I fulfil their wishes".

This would not be the first lawsuit filed against eternal paradise. Two years ago, a class action suit in the United Kingdom lost its bid to secure financial reparations for destroying Chris Evan's boat. The accusations were based on an act of god, Zeus was later blammed for the incident saying he could'nt cope with all the prayers from Mark Lammar.

More recently, other Norns Urd and Skuld were sued by plaintiffs across twelve Middle Eastern countries over their encouragement and participation in the explosion of local rat populations. However, this case would represent the first time Heaven’s help policies are being directly affected. The legal offices of the halls of Asgard have admitted this will be a 'tough case'.

“We'd would rather not get involved in another religious war" said Odin, and we are prepared to offer a settlement to the 300 plus members of the prosecution,” a spokeswoman for Asgard told the BBC via telephone earlier today. “We have offered Venus, Aphridite and other beautiful goddesses as replacement girlfriends to these…individuals. We are confident this will be satisfactory settlement.

The initial response, however, has been anything but satisfactory.

"That would be a completely unacceptable solution", a representative of the prosecution explained. "My clients feel defrauded enough as it is. Now for Asgard to have the audacity to offer up a bunch of second-class goddesses as compensation is downright insulting. We’re adding personal insult to the list of complaints against them and another $2 billion (80 trillion Turkish Lira) to the compensatory demands!"

In a recent interview on Jerry Springer, one of the clients had said "Are they nuts?!" Joe Jones of New Jersey told ex-mayor of Cinncitanti "Who wants Urd or Skuld or any of those other brain chicks?! They think! They talk back at you and have opinions! They don’t do dishes or cook! Who the heck would want a girlfriend like that?!"

Mike Michaels, a student of Illinois Polytechnick echoes the sentiment. "We want Belldandy, plain and simple. I mean, look at her! The girl doesn’t have her own opinion and she’s always there to attend to my fate apparently! It's about time for some real results from her it’s time for her to come to my apartment and clean the place up! I’ve been living off canned food for six months now, man!"

Belldandy came back with the statement, "I think it is very sad that these students are living off canned food and living in dumps," she explains tearfully. “I will plead to Bob Geldof to organise a charity song and concert for these impoverished people of the first world".

Fellow Norn Urd expresses her disdain over both the accusations and her sister. “I suppose,” she said, “that I’ll have to wait a bit longer for Belldandy to grow a spine. Maybe Skuld can invent one for her. In the meantime, however, I’m sending in an appeal to Odin to grant me a First Class twenty-four hour drinking license. I’m thinking that the legal offices of Gimmemore and Associates could use a little localized hurricane to start things off with. And then I’ll go and make sure canned food is the least of the worries for those bunch of losers."

For their own part, the Helpline services of the Goddess Helpline are being temporarily suspended, pending a decision, or settlement, to arise from the current situation.

There is no word yet on whether the hundreds that will be left stranded, poor, girlfriend-less, or dying this solctice as a result of this temporary suspension of services will file lawsuits of their own against Asgard.

Picture: http://www.thorshof.org/verdandipic.htm Source: Reuters