h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You see, I've been introduced and allowed / initiated into various religions (as a child, mind you, I had no part in the deal!) which seem to contradict themselves. If I'm an Infidel Jew with Islam and Protestantism in my background, though I tend toward Buddhism in actual, operating life, does that mean I'm

a) Considered all, and so if one group is 'right', I'm in like Flynn...

~ or ~

b) Screwed?

After much debate I've decided to confront you personally on the issue.

Look, in the old days such a line in questioning would invariably lead to one of the following

a) personally being escorted by St.Michael to the 'inferal' gates.
b) being roundly condemned as a Heretic, and being burnt at the stake,
fast tracking your way to 'firelighter city'.
c) being invited around for jam & cream to my place, before being
affectionately hit in the face with a gooey, creamy, blamanche
like cake, for being so impertinent.

But these days being as they are, most religious deities consider anyone even remotely pious worth the effort. I was only talking to Allah the other day over a pot of Earl-Grey, that finding new souls basically came down to whether the intended had, more or less, ever considered joining an 'organised' religion.

If you can't narrow it down to say one god (Alright, thousands if you want to be a Hindu, but I digress). We tend to turn a blind eye, and we work out somekind of 'timeshare' arrangement in regards to your eternal soul.

- Gee, some people are more aquainted with the souls of their feet

Well that was a bit brutal. You don't take into consideration that most of this happened before the Age of Reason (that's 6 years) and thus I had no control over my soul? And I am not impertinent! Hmph!

The soles of my feet are quite nice, thankyouvery much! I thought you'd be more understanding of this all, what with my generous use of the church and all. And I haven't eaten ham in at least a few years. But I suppose you wouldn't care one way or the eother. Now would you?

* absent mindedly mumbles about the Age of Enlightenment, being generally a bad move, what with humanity deciding that having their deities around for dinner was like inviting their Neanderthalic forebears for tea. Who invariably smash the fine bone china, laugh at the light patter in all the wrong places, and whose liguistic skills match that of Oscar Wilde - shortly after consuming an 'elephant's dose' of Absinthe *

Yes, your feet are rather nice in a bland, phantic conversational niceity, kind of a way. Certainly cleanliness has been observed, so your soles, are at least, ehem...not as black as your soul.

Alright, that last sentiment was a little glib, I'm sorry, but that's what your get when you hang around with humanity for a inordinate length of time.

By the way, not eating ham solely for the reason that you don't like the taste, certainly doesn't aquire you any 'celestial' brownie points, to my mind.

* blushes frofusley *

I guess that's what you get when one partakes of the demon alcohol...

- DEFINITELY, holier than thou...

I don't know about you, God. Quips about my soul? References to the oddest, most Narcissistic playwright ever? DRINKING? I'm a bit shocked. Just a bit.

By the way... Have you got Dionysus' number? I'm thinking of switching insurance companies...

* his almighty preens his hair & halo in a newly created mirror *

It is nonsense about poor old Oscar, just look at his final days tramping around Paris, fine silk shirt stained green, mind wandering the greater part of the Universe, magnamiously taking it upon himself to care for the feyest of Parisian boys.

Up here he has long decried the impurity of those sallied days, encumbered the the vast excesses of vanity. Mind you, he does relate this whilst lounging on a sofa, wearing a smoking jacket, with a martini & cigar at hand.

I think in terms of Insurance Companies, I think you'll find most of them are underwritten by the 'infernal one'.

- Job just can't take a joke.