h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

very cool... Wish I still had some of my creative writing stuff from wehn I was younger... although, the spelling is even worse back then than now; and my handwriting was terrible, with lots of wrong-way round 'B', 'D' s etc...

Deb

I've just been transcribing it and trust me, you'd be thinking of a lot of other words to describe the writing before you got to "creative"!

I have no idea where the phrase about the trousers comes from Lil, but it's quite well known. If there is enough blue sky to make a sailor a pair of trousers then it won't rain. A bit of Googling reveals that it's not always sailors, sometimes it's Dutchman or a Chinaman, but in all cases the trousers are bell bottoms or baggy, so it's not just about the colour. This answer: http://www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/51/messages/679.html has someone who remembers it from the East End of London, and that's certainly where my granny was from, she was a proper cockney - born in 1910 within the sound of Bow Bells.

Don't think I've ever heard that saying

I have, though, just suddenly recalled I do* have a 'book' I wrote, as part of a project, in English, at middle school... and I think* I know where it is... it is, from waht I recall, really rather aweful and about wheelie bins... and mad scientists... and has probably not got a single correctly spelt word in it

My amazing daughters, Sunshine and Moonlight refer to my childhood in the 60s and 70s as being "back in ye", when life was black and white and everyone did dangerous things like go to playgrounds with very high slides, swings without barriers in front and concrete floors. They use phrases like "Times were simpler back in ye" or ask questions that begin "Mum, did you have _____ back in ye?" inserting any idea that amuses them such as electricity, motorised vehicles, groats, supermarkets, or the "butter man" street vendor that they have actually invented as being a likely character from ye. I counter with stories of big old pennies to spend on sweets, the coal man and his horse, reel to reel tape recorders, Radio Caroline, drinking in pubs at 14 and Depeche Mode. Their usual reply is "well everyone was on drugs back in ye", but I think they are secretly jealous of the experiences, freedom and total lack of health and safety concerns.

I have a collection of their school books and stories, and we regularly look at them. I also have a few of my own from ye. So today I bring you extracts from "Geography Project on the Sea" by coelacanth, aged 12.

The cover is uninspiring brown cardboard folder, but the title is a psychedelic mixture of colour from my felt pen set, done boldly and freehand in early 70s "bubble writing" (if you too are from ye, you'll know what I mean). I've clearly spent some time on this. Each letter is filled in with a different colour. Opening the cover we reach a front page, written loopily but quite neatly in blue fountain pen (my childhood handwriting was dreadful but I explored a few styles back in ye before reaching the italic script I now use). My spelling is mostly excellent, thanks to learning to read by a phonic method. Ready? Let's dive in.


THE SEA
INTRODUCTION
"This project is about the sea. It is about the history of the sea, and the life in it. The beach, cliffs and other things beside the sea, and on the sea shore. The plant and animal life by the sea is very interesting. It is also very profitable in the way of driftwood, and many people go beachcombing early in the morning, carve things out of the driftwood and make money. The shells are made into jewellery, and also raise money. So the sea is very profitable to those who wish to make money."


[I think we can all spot padding when we see it. I clearly know very little about the sea, but maybe I went to a driftwood and shell shop in Southend or something. This writing takes up about a third of the page, but I have left lines and spaces to make it look like half a page. The other half of the page is illustrated with a large fish. It's a lovely fish, lots of detail, and either I traced it from a book or got someone else to draw it, because I have no artistic talent at all. Also, I'm not entirely sure, but it might be a freshwater fish. Let's turn the page.]


THE SEA
CONTENTS

Chapter 1 - Life in the Sea - page 1
Chapter 2 - Sea weed - page 3
Chapter 3 - Scenery by the Sea - page 6
Chapter 4 - Coastal Erosion - page 7
Chapter 5 - The Sea Coast - page 8
Chapter 6 - The Sea and its History - page 10


[Having 6 Chapters make it sound like a mighty work, but the page numbers clearly show that it isn't. I fear my contribution to the body of knowledge about the sea is not going to set the world of geography buzzing, but who knows. Let's start with page 1 and find out.]


THE SEA
CHAPTER 1
LIFE IN THE SEA
FISH
"Fishes are the most ancient form of life [] and from fish all other life was formed. They are cold blooded animals ranging from half an inch [old measurements back in ye] to fourty [sic] feet in length and are adapted to breath underwater with the aid of gills. Seahorses are the only fish with a tail, so that it can hold on to sea weed. The female lays her eggs into a pouch on the belly of the male."


[With all the headings and leaving lines, this is even more spaced out to make it look like half a page. It isn't fooling anyone. I know nothing about fish. The bottom half of the page is filled with a giant seahorse. Helpfully labelled "A seahorse". I didn't draw it.]


Page 2
SOME FISH
[The top half of the page is filled with beautiful and detailed drawings (tracings) of 7 different fish, all shaded carefully with colouring pencils in a range of browns and greens. They are numbered 1-7 and there is a key on the bottom half of the page.]
1 Minnow
2 Rudd
3 Salmon
4 Carp
5 Bream
6 Tench
7 Dace


[There's no prize for spotting the obvious!]

[Chapter 2 looks more meaty at first glance. Two pages of writing, subheadings and an illustration.]


CHAPTER 2
SEAWEED
"There are many different types of seaweed. Here are some of them."

[I have then listed 11 different kinds of seaweed and clearly just copied all this from a book. There is useful information about which ones are edible and which you would use for manure. They include 5 different kinds of wrack such as "Bladder Wrack (see drawing)" [there is no drawing] and others eg "Oar weed (see drawing)" [there is no drawing] "Dulse (see drawing) [there is no drawing] "Green Laver (see drawing)" [there is no drawing] and "Purple Laver - Same as above but it is purple". There is a drawing of Irish Moss. There is no information about the only kind of seaweed I would have encountered on the beaches of Essex, the shiny black slimy stuff with bubbles you can pop.]


I can't take much more, can you? Chapters 3 - 6 tomorrow!

[Amy P]

I was laughing out loud, this is superb and really ought to be published. If people can make money out of books entitled '101 things to do with a dead.....' this is three classes above that.

My only objection is that you gave no warning that this was episode one of two and just as I settled in with my toast and coffee you flashed up the titles...to be continued.

I am not ye....I am pre ye. But I love that so much I will definitely steal it.

Just one tidbit of info on the mystical YE. In Elizabethan secretary hand and probably before, there was an additional letter called 'thorn'. It was shaped like a 'y' but pronounced 'th'. All those Ye Olde Tea Shoppes are actually The Old Tea Shops.

Don't you believe me? Oh ye of little faith.

I particularly loved the list, of pretty-much entirely fresh-water fish This has* to be published!

I'm glad you're enjoying it! One of my days made it to The Post last year, I'm happy to let this out to a wider audience too.

It was too much to take in for just one day, so brace yourselves for part 2 tomorrow. And if you're lucky I might release some of my stories too!

Deb

*catching up*

so many things to comment on - the blue sky/trousers was a saying my optimistic Nan used to say on family picnics when there was far more cloud than space for the sun to peep through.

I obviously *need* a smartphone.

I'll listen out to Jarvis Cocker sometime soon and your writing is really touching - thanks for sharing!


Lanzababy

Continuing: "Geography project on the sea" by coelacanth, aged 12. (Part 1 is in #105 if you missed it.)

We left the project yesterday after Chapter 2, covering pages 3 and 4 - Seaweed. There is no page 5. This could either be because it was reserved for the missing drawings of sea weed, or I had a cunning plan to fool my teacher into thinking the project was longer. Either way, we're straight into page 6.


CHAPTER 3
SCENERY BY THE SEA
"Cliffs by the sea at Dover are very famous, and a song has been written about them. In forigen [sic] countries if the sea is surrounded by land it is called a lagoon"


[In the middle of the page is something I must have drawn for myself. It is three wobbly upright rectangular shapes, joined together and shaded grey. There's a thick wavy blue/green line at the bottom, with thinner blue/green wavy lines underneath. The only thing missing is a bluebird. This illustration is titled "A Cliff by the sea". The chapter continues:]


"Southend pier is the most famous of all the piers, as it is the longest in the world. Nearly every seaside town has a pier, as they bring in money. By the sea there are many amusements, such as one-armed bandits and slot machines. Fish shops also sell a lot if they are by the sea."


[So that's the full extent of my knowledge of scenery. I had been to Dover on a trip with Brownies a couple of years before, and mum did take us to Southend when she could afford the train. We would walk along the pier and occasionally play on the arcade machines or have fish and chips. There ends the chapter on scenery. Over the page to Chapter 4. At first I have numbered this as page 8 but then, perhaps thinking I couldn't fool the teacher twice in succession, I have crossed this out and put 7. There's quite a lot of writing, so have I hit my specialism? (Hint. No.)]


CHAPTER 4
COASTAL EROSION
"Erosion is the wearing away of the landscape by the sea. Coastal erosion is the wearing away of the land to form it into things like cliffs.
"The sea eventually wears away an even coastline, in the same way that a river wears away the hill it runs down, and wears away the land. This makes both the sea, and a river, agents of erosion, or both wear away the landscape.
"However, rivers wear away the whole land around it, the sea only nibbles at the edge. In each case, the rocks worn away are carried out to see although some parts may get deposited temporarily on a river bank.
"The erosion depends on what type of land it is on which they set to work. [] More wearing away occurs on an upland coast than a lowland coast, and very often hard resistant rocks will take much longer to wear away than soft weak rocks."


[Do you like the way I have skilfully changed the subject away from something I know nothing about (the sea) and towards something I know even less about (rivers). Even I can see this chapter is probably nonsense, although for all I know it could be true. It may not come as a great surprise to hear that I failed Geography O Level 3 times. Once at school and twice more at FE college.
Anyway, the bottom half of the page is illustrated by a pencil drawing of what claims to be "Coastal erosion south of Lowestoft, Suffolk", showing several rather boxy black and brown buildings with improbably large chimneys, built on top of something which looks very similar to "A Cliff by the sea" from the previous chapter. Why Lowestoft I have no idea. To the best of my knowledge I've never been there. However, I've discovered something quite thrilling! I seem to have drawn a simplistic version of this: http://www.maritimelowestoft.co.uk/images/greetings/pakefield_cliff_large.jpg which means there are actual facts in my project! I'm as amazed as you! Riding along on the crest of a wave of success (see what I did there?) we now head for the next page, which is numbered 9. There is no page 8.]


CHAPTER 5
THE SEA COAST

[There are no actual words here. This chapter is one page, divided in two. In the top half there are some shapeless brown lumps sitting in something green. If you turn the page sideways it looks a bit like a teddy bear trying to free its head from a brown paper bag. This illustration is called "Arch Jointed Limestone". Insert your own punctuation, I have no idea. The bottom half has some giant wisdom teeth floating in blue soup. It is called "Chalk Stacks". We move swiftly on to the final page and chapter 6, which is rather promisingly full of writing, with no illustrations.]


PAGE 10
CHAPTER 6
THE SEA AND ITS HISTORY
"Long ago, in Ancient Greece, the Greeks believed that the world was round and flat, with a sea called Ocean all round the edge.
"Later, men thought that the world was flat and if you sailed long enough you could sail off the end.
"People like Columbus proved that this was not true, and pirates and captains of ships claimed to have sailed the "seven seas". There are more than seven seas. Here are some of them.
Dead Sea (This has a lot of salt in it)
Black Sea
Atlantic Ocean
Pacific Ocean
Medditerranean Sea
Southern Ocean
Pacific Ocean
Indian Ocean
"There are many more smaller seas around the world."


[Underneath this statement I have firmly drawn a straight line in purple felt pen. Time to stop. I have given my all to the world of geography.]


So that's it. I think we've all learned something.

Indeed yes! An h2g2 researcher in the bud. I never got the hang of geography and gave it up well before O levels, (and managed to fail history twice instead.)


... and thanks for writing about Jarvis Cocker's Sunday Service. I listened to it on the iPlayer. and it's added to my favourites for future shows.

To be honest I thought that part two could not live up to the promise in part one. It would not be humanly possible for any writer to maintain that level. How wrong I was, part two, in fact, exceeds part one!

Mr Gove should be printing this in little pamphlets to give free to all children so they have something to aspire to.

Not sure if this qualifies for a nomination for the Turner Prize (for the artwork) or the Booker Prize (for the fiction).

Deb

[Amy P]

maybe you were channelling through zen-like knowledge of Lowestoft, and pakefield cliffs, from me (where I'm from, basically)

The erosion bit was... so* close.... you almost had it there
And, very sneaky with the clever page numbering to make it look longer

Wasn't my project great, I have laughed so much typing it up!

Tucked in the back of the folder are two geography tests. In one I have been scored 12.5 out of 35, although I'd like to lodge an appeal on one question about igneous rocks. However 2legs, you will be pleased to know one question I got right. It's a multiple choice - if two counts as multiple.
"Rivers, wind, ice and the sea are known as agents of - weathering/erosion"
I have correctly ringed erosion!

Some of the questions are a quite taxing, eg:
"Choose Granite or Limestone scenery and put your choice here____________"
I have put "Granite" and been awarded a mark.


My NaJoPoMo readers can vote for some more extracts from ye, which will probably appear next week. It's stories from my primary school English book when I was 9. Would you like:
a) "Landing on Earth" - Opening sentence "I live on the planet Saturn and my name is Oxo..." Teachers comment "Very good"
b) "The land of youth" - Opening sentence "Once there was a place where all the people danced..." Teachers comment "Good"
c) "Lost in the wood" - Opening sentence "It was a dark morning..." Teachers comment "Good story but - your writing is still untidy. Please try to improve it and the general tidiness of your work."
d) "High in the air" - Opening sentence "Alan had a plane..." Teachers comment "Good but untidy"
e) "Lost in a cave" - Opening sentence "I was going to go birds nesting..." Teachers comment "Good. Perhaps a little too untidy?"
f) "Escape from a locked room" - Opening sentence "Peter stood at his bedroom window and looked out at the moon..." Teachers comment "Very good. Your writing is tidier than last time."

Please vote a) b) c) d) e) or f) and I'll count the votes after a week or so.

Lanza, I'm glad I was able to introduce you to the Sunday service!

I got a real sense, in your work, that not only had you researched, and recalled facts, and details, but, most especially in terms of costal erosion, it was an erea, to which had sparked your interest, and you had a good, developed deeper understnading of the process. Perhaps, in some rspects, it was your articulation of this understanding, in the constraints of the written 'prjet', that limited your ability to express it more fully?

(I was better at geography, esp physical geography than I was at history; indeed I had briefly started an A level in Georgraphy at one point... which was mainly concerned with physical georgrpahy; My actually being able to know where pleaces are, type georgraphy is hopeless mind )

oh... oh... too tricky to hcose between those choices, yet... I'll need to think