Journal Entries
At last, just what I have been waiting to hear.
Posted Feb 22, 2006
I have been reading this website http://www.mcmanweb.com/index.html
He has bipolar and now writes about it, he now knows a lot about it and has learnt there is more to bipolar and depression than the DSM-IV. He discusses its limitations and reading this website I cried and cried, I saw myself in it so much.
For instance...
"Most participants were fanatic about maintaining their sleep. When disruptions to their routines did happen, they did not hesitate to take a sleep medication."
This me, I know how important sleep is to me, one night disrupted and I can lose days to anxious manicness, which then stops me from catching up on my sleep.
"The course of the illness is speeded up in some people, so that they are known as "rapid-cyclers, who can go up and down and back again, sometimes in a matter of hours."
At last after reading so much about how rapid cyclers get 4 manic episodes a year, according to the DSM-IV, someone recognises that it canhapen within a day, more than once, yeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss!!!!
"But, what about those of us who can cycle several times in a single day?..."
Someone else who get that too.
"My "ups" were what I mistook for normal behavior, so I did not feel compelled to bring them to my psychiatrist's attention."
I love my ups, I get stuff done, I am happy, I accomplish stuff, they are my best times, till I get so manic I shake and freak and have to hide.
"Simply losing a night's sleep may trigger a manic episode"
Yep
"Then there are those with "mixed states," who can be up and down at the same time, with agitated depression or dysphoric mania."
YES YES YES YES YES 'agitated depression' somebody has put me into words, I recognise myself, this is life-changing
"Personal Relationship Problems due to influence of moods causing a constant "pulling close and pushing away" of emotions"
I know I shouldn't pull away but you hurt me, so I shall. I know at the end of the day I am only punishing myself, but its not the end of the day yet, so I feel vindicated and righteous, later I shall feel lonely and grey.
"Sleep difficulties are prominent, with affected persons sleeping little during hypomania, and "unable to get out of bed" during depression."
At the mo, I go to bed, read and then am awake agai at 5am. Today I have decided to stop pretending, to embrace the cycles, I am staying up, rather than lying in bed trying to fit in. I shall be manic when I am manic and depressed when I am depressed. All the time I wasted when manic, pretending to be normal, when I should have been catching up on the stuff I couldn't do when depressed. I shall celebrate and embrace my new cycles and stop fighting myself, I shall work with myself - AT LAST, I know what to do and I am begining to understand who I am.
'"Eighty percent of patients with depression come to the doctor with exclusively physical symptoms." But you would never know it by looking at the DSM-IV, which makes no reference to pain in its criteria for depression.'
An earlier doctor said my back, chest, vaginal, stomach pain etc was all in my head. Yet she refused to help me deal with it and just abandoned me to it. Even if it was all caused by depression, she still should have referred me to a pschiatrist to allow me the opportunity to deal with it. In fact she said she had, but she lied. Anyway, it wouldn't have worked as they only use DSM-IV and not their own brains.
"I have found whilst taking anti-depressants my IBS symptoms (predominantly the pain) disappears. In particular when I took Olanzapine for 2 years I had no IBS symptoms at all. Such a relief! However, after putting on 7 stone I had to come off the Olanzapine. The IBS is back. This is a slight digression from your main point but is related and pertinent. Shame my Psychiatrist shows no interest in this finding."
Someone elses experience, how very pertinent.
"In fact, most people with depression go to their primary care physicians complaining of physical symptoms instead of saying they are depressed."
It is time to chance my life, Moonglum used to try to stop my manic episodes but last year he finally understood that if I try to stop them, they get worse. They arn't always that bad, sometimes they can be useful. They provide periods of activity tomake up for the depression. Stop the manic and I only have depression left. He understands now and lets me be manic, I don't have to hide anymore.
Why lie in bed when manic, I shall be doing stuff.
When depressed I shall lie in bed and catch up on teh reading, when manic I shall do more active stuff.
I explained today how much I want to draw, but am afraid to hold the pencil. Finally I explained it in such a way that Moonglum understood. We now have a plan and I shall try. He will now listen to all my ideas and urges cause of them or maybe more of them are me, they are what I need to do in life, and we need to investigate them all.
Normally when on here, I have to force myself to type, or I try to hold it all in, today is the first day I am just typing and typing what I feel. I t feels fantastic to embrace myself and to be who I really am.
Some days I shall be manic, some I shall be depressed, but never shall I have to pretent anymore. I shall be who I am and there is strength in that, even in the painful stages, I shall never pretend again.
Discuss this Journal entry [19]
Latest reply: Feb 22, 2006
Depression and lobotomies
Posted Feb 21, 2006
I have been reading about lobotomies and its gruesome stuff. I first read in the Sunday Times that the draft Mental Health Bill which is coming up has a provision which will allow lobotomies to be performed on patients without their consent.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/newspaper/0,,176-2034199,00.html
I had hoped that lobotomies had been left behind where they deserved to be left. I read in that article about Walter Freeman who invented the procedure, he rehearsed with a pen on a cadaver and then went for it, doing many lobotomies without anaesthetic, using an ice-pick type instrument to get to the brain through the tear ducts. Many went wrong, his first patient was not able to remember her name afterwards but he still viewed it as a success.
I guess that to empty wards of mental patients who were in need of sedation and make them pliant and quiet, was a success then. They were easier to deal with. 
I read a bit more about him here http://www.mcmanweb.com/article-122.htm
This website is about depression and bipolar and on the left hand side are famous people who suffered from it, such as Pollack, Sylvia Plath, Van Gogh etc. I am currently reading about Abraham Lincoln, its quite an interesting website.
Discuss this Journal entry [11]
Latest reply: Feb 21, 2006
H5N1
Posted Feb 20, 2006
I have been following this for a few years now, watching the panic and assumptions and on the other hand, the people who thought it was all a fuss about nothing and it would never affect us.
Well today 9 dead swans from the UK are being tested, maybe a coincidence but also it was going to happen sometime I believe.
Discuss this Journal entry [9]
Latest reply: Feb 20, 2006
Asian cinema
Posted Feb 20, 2006
Its fantastic to watch something different, I remember Red Sorghum was one of the first Asian films I saw, I hope to see it again one day.
I love modern Bollywood, but what I am getting into at the moment is Hong Kong, Japanese and Korean cinema, but not the very violent stuff.
We saw The Twilight Samurai yesterday, the attitudes of the samurai in their last years were very annoying. Rather than admire someone for not having enough time to do their hair because they were working hard, it was an insult! Still the one who did not have time to do his hair and have perfect clothes, ended up being the best fighter and saving the day. Perhaps you fight better if you are not bothered about ruining your perfect hair style?!
We have Takeshi's Zatoichi waiting for a good time. We have seen a few Takeshi now, he is very dour and still. I can imagine him starting as a comedian.
There are many many more I have seen, I need to remind myself of the names, I just wanted to keep a record of them somewhere. We havn't even seen Ghost in the Shell, but hope to order both of them soon. Oh and we saw Shanghai Soccer 
, now Hong Kong Hustle is on the list.
Discuss this Journal entry [2]
Latest reply: Feb 20, 2006
Is sex mandatory in relationships?
Posted Feb 20, 2006
I would answer from personal experience - no.
However closeness is, whether physical and or emotional, preferably both.
I write as someone whose sex life with their husband finished in 1999. We had been together only 3 years then, but now we are still together after 10 years. So the end of sex doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship.
It stopped because of a condition called vulval vestibulitis, which makes sex too painful. For the first few years, I railed against this and was very angry. Eventually though you have to begin to accept for your own peace of mind.
I wanted more help from the nhs, I was offered to see a sex therapist who told me off for getting diagnosed in the wrong order and then proceeded to slag me off in surprising ways. The NHS cannot offer a magic solution to problems like this, many of them have never even heard of vv as yet.
At first VV makes the whole area very painful 24 hours a day, too painful to even touch. Thats when I went on the contraceptive injection, to stop my periods. It over-sensitises you so that you feel very very horny, in a very painful way. After some years you maybe able to touch yourself to relieve the pain, but that for me involved even more pain, helped in the long run though.
Eventually the day to day pain stops with only the odd shooting sensation to surprise you. Thats when you seem to have a choice, to relieve yourself, as that is possible although sex itself is still far too painful. Or to stop. I have gone through stages, where all desire goes and you don't need to relieve yourself anymore. I am in one right now, and I hope one day to stay in one, it will make life easier.
Anyway, this is all very annoying and painful and down right sickening sometimes. No sex since marriage, not even on honeymmon, it feels unfair. However I get cuddles and he shares it all with me, I actually feel quite lucky. We will never need to get hung up over sex, we just accept its not there anymore. I am not saying that is easy, but life is easier when you can accept these things.
Yes it gets ridiculous when you hear of people going without for weeks, who are having trouble coping. Its best not to listen or take it personally. You know you can devote your time to understanding each other on a new level and that is a very good thing to do.
Its not easy and 
like, but if the situation is going to continue whether you like it or not, then surely to accept is the best thing to do.
Discuss this Journal entry [8]
Latest reply: Feb 20, 2006
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